THE SURPRISING ADVENTURES
OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN
1895
THE SECOND VOLUME
PREFACE
TO THE SECOND VOLUME
Baron Munchausen has certainly been productive of much benefit to the
literary world; the numbers of egregious travellers have been such, that
they demanded a very Gulliver to surpass them. If Baron de Tott dauntlessly
discharged an enormous piece of artillery, the Baron Munchausen has done
more; he has taken it and swam with it across the sea. When travellers are
solicitous to be the heroes of their own story, surely they must admit to
superiority, and blush at seeing themselves out-done by the renowned
Munchausen: I doubt whether any one hitherto, Pantagruel, Gargantua, Captain
Lemuel, or De Tott, has been able to out-do our Baron in this species of
excellence: and as at present our curiosity seems much directed to the
interior of Africa, it must be edifying to have the real relation of
Munchausen's adventures there before any further intelligence arrives; for
he seems to adapt himself and his exploits to the spirit of the times, and
recounts what he thinks should be most interesting to his auditors.
I do not say that the Baron, in the following stories, means a satire on
any political matters whatever. No; but if the reader understands them so, I
cannot help it.
If the Baron meets with a parcel of negro ships carrying whites into
slavery to work upon their plantations in a cold climate, should we
therefore imagine that he intends a reflection on the present traffic in
human flesh? And that, if the negroes should do so, it would be simple
justice, as retaliation is the law of God! If we were to think this a
reflection on any present commercial or political matter, we should be
tempted to imagine, perhaps, some political ideas conveyed in every page, in
every sentence of the whole. Whether such things are or are not the
intentions of the Baron the reader must judge.
We have had not only wonderful travellers in this vile world, but
splenetic travellers, and of these not a few, and also conspicuous enough.
It is a pity, therefore, that the Baron has not endeavoured to surpass them
also in this species of story-telling. Who is it can read the travels of
Smellfungus, as Sterne calls him, without admiration? To think that a person
from the North of Scotland should travel through some of the finest
countries in Europe, and find fault with everything he meets—nothing to
please him! And therefore, methinks, the Tour to the Hebrides is more
excusable, and also perhaps Mr. Twiss's Tour in Ireland. Dr. Johnson, bred
in the luxuriance of London, with more reason should become cross and
splenetic in the bleak and dreary regions of the Hebrides.
The Baron, in the following work, seems to be sometimes philosophical;
his account of the language of the interior of Africa, and its analogy with
that of the inhabitants of the moon, show him to be profoundly versed in the
etymological antiquities of nations, and throw new light upon the abstruse
history of the ancient Scythians, and the Collectanea.
His endeavour to abolish the custom of eating live flesh in the interior
of Africa, as described in Bruce's Travels, is truly humane. But far be it
from me to suppose, that by Gog and Magog and the Lord Mayor's show he means
a satire upon any person or body of persons whatever: or, by a tedious
litigated trial of blind judges and dumb matrons following a wild goose
chase all round the world, he should glance at any trial whatever.
Nevertheless, I must allow that it was extremely presumptuous in
Munchausen to tell half the sovereigns of the world that they were wrong,
and advise them what they ought to do; and that instead of ordering millions
of their subjects to massacre one another, it would be more to their
interest to employ their forces in concert for the general good; as if he
knew better than the Empress of Russia, the Grand Vizier, Prince Potemkin,
or any other butcher in the world. But that he should be a royal Aristocrat,
and take the part of the injured Queen of France in the present political
drama, I am not at all surprised; but I suppose his mind was fired by
reading the pamphlet written by Mr. Burke.
CHAPTER XXI
The Baron insists on the veracity of his former Memoirs—Forms a design
of making discoveries in the interior parts of Africa—His discourse with
Hilaro Frosticos about it—His conversation with Lady Fragrantia—The Baron
goes, with other persons of distinction, to Court; relates an anecdote of
the Marquis de Bellecourt.
All that I have related before, said the Baron, is gospel; and if there
be any one so hardy as to deny it, I am ready to fight him with any weapon
he pleases. Yes, cried he, in a more elevated tone, as he started from his
seat, I will condemn him to swallow this decanter, glass and all perhaps,
and filled with kerren-wasser [a kind of ardent spirit distilled from
cherries, and much used in some parts of Germany]. Therefore, my dear
friends and companions, have confidence in what I say, and pay honour to the
tales of Munchausen. A traveller has a right to relate and embellish his
adventures as he pleases, and it is very unpolite to refuse that deference
and applause they deserve.
Having passed some time in England since the completion of my former
memoirs, I at length began to revolve in my mind what a prodigious field of
discovery must be in the interior part of Africa. I could not sleep with the
thoughts of it; I therefore determined to gain every proper assistance from
Government to penetrate the celebrated source of the Nile, and assume the
viceroyship of the interior kingdoms of Africa, or, at least, the great
realm of Monomotapa. It was happy for me that I had one most powerful friend
at court, whom I shall call the illustrious Hilaro Frosticos. You perchance
know him not by that name; but we had a language among ourselves, as well we
may, for in the course of my peregrinations I have acquired precisely nine
hundred and ninety-nine leash of languages. What! gentlemen, do you stare?
Well, I allow there are not so many languages spoken in this vile world; but
then, have I not been in the moon? and trust me, whenever I write a treatise
upon education, I shall delineate methods of inculcating whole dozens of
languages at once, French, Spanish, Greek, Hebrew, Cherokee, &c., in such a
style as will shame all the pedagogues existing.
Having passed a whole night without being able to sleep for the vivid
imagination of African discoveries, I hastened to the levee of my
illustrious friend Hilaro Frosticos, and having mentioned my intention with
all the vigour of fancy, he gravely considered my words, and after some
awful meditations thus he spoke: Olough, ma genesat, istum fullanah, cum
dera kargos belgarasah eseum balgo bartigos triangulissimus! However,
added he, it behoveth thee to consider and ponder well upon the perils and
the multitudinous dangers in the way of that wight who thus advanceth in all
the perambulation of adventures: and verily, most valiant sire and Baron, I
hope thou wilt demean thyself with all that laudable gravity and precaution
which, as is related in the three hundred and forty-seventh chapter of the
Prophilactics, is of more consideration than all the merit in this
terraqueous globe. Yes, most truly do I advise thee unto thy good, and speak
unto thee, most valiant Munchausen, with the greatest esteem, and wish thee
to succeed in thy voyage; for it is said, that in the interior realms of
Africa there are tribes that can see but just three inches and a half beyond
the extremity of their noses; and verily thou shouldest moderate thyself,
even sure and slow; they stumble who walk fast. But we shall bring you unto
the Lady Fragrantia, and have her opinion of the matter. He then took from
his pocket a cap of dignity, such as described in the most honourable and
antique heraldry, and placing it upon my head, addressed me thus:—"As thou
seemest again to revive the spirit of ancient adventure, permit me to place
upon thy head this favour, as a mark of the esteem in which I hold thy
valorous disposition."
The Lady Fragrantia, my dear friends, was one of the most divine
creatures in all Great Britain, and was desperately in love with me. She was
drawing my portrait upon a piece of white satin, when the most noble Hilaro
Frosticos advanced. He pointed to the cap of dignity which he had placed
upon my head. "I do declare, Hilaro," said the lovely Fragrantia, "'tis
pretty, 'tis interesting; I love you, and I like you, my dear Baron," said
she, putting on another plume: "this gives it an air more delicate and more
fantastical. I do thus, my dear Munchausen, as your friend, yet you can
reject or accept my present just as you please; but I like the fancy, 'tis a
good one, and I mean to improve it: and against whatever enemies you go, I
shall have the sweet satisfaction to remember you bear my favour on your
head!"
I snatched it with trepidation, and gracefully dropping on my knees, I
three times kissed it with all the rapture of romantic love. "I swear,"
cried I, "by thy bright eyes, and by the lovely whiteness of thine arm, that
no savage, tyrant, or enemy upon the face of the earth shall despoil me of
this favour, while one drop of the blood of the Munchausens doth circulate
in my veins! I will bear it triumphant through the realms of Africa, whither
I now intend my course, and make it respected, even in the court of Prester
John."
"I admire your spirit," replied she, "and shall use my utmost interest at
court to have you despatched with every pomp, and as soon as possible; but
here comes a most brilliant company indeed, Lady Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia
Skeggs, Lord Spigot, and Lady Faucet, and the Countess of Belleair."
After the ceremonies of introduction to this company were over, we
proceeded to consult upon the business; and as the cause met with general
applause, it was immediately determined that I should proceed without delay,
as soon as I obtained the sovereign approbation. "I am convinced," said Lord
Spigot, "that if there be any thing really unknown and worthy of our most
ardent curiosity, it must be in the immense regions of Africa; that country,
which seems to be the oldest on the globe, and yet with the greater part of
which we are almost utterly unacquainted; what prodigious wealth of gold and
diamonds must not lie concealed in those torrid regions, when the very
rivers on the coast pour forth continual specimens of golden sand! 'Tis my
opinion, therefore, that the Baron deserves the applause of all Europe for
his spirit, and merits the most powerful assistance of the sovereign."
So flattering an approbation, you may be sure, was delightful to my
heart, and with every confidence and joy I suffered them to take me to court
that instant. After the usual ceremonies of introduction, suffice it to say
that I met with every honour and applause that my most sanguine expectations
could demand. I had always a taste for the fashionable je ne sais quoi
of the most elegant society, and in the presence of all the sovereigns of
Europe I ever found myself quite at home, and experienced from the whole
court the most flattering esteem and admiration. I remember, one particular
day, the fate of the unfortunate Marquis de Bellecourt. The Countess of
Rassinda, who accompanied him, looked most divinely. "Yes, I am confident,"
said the Marquis de Bellecourt to me, "that I have acted according to the
strictest sentiments of justice and of loyalty to my sovereign. What
stronger breast-plate than a heart untainted? and though I did not receive a
word nor a look, yet I cannot think—no, it were impossible to be
misrepresented. Conscious of my own integrity, I will try again—I will go
boldly up." The Marquis de Bellecourt saw the opportunity; he advanced three
paces, put his hand upon his breast and bowed. "Permit me," said he, "with
the most profound respect, to——." His tongue faltered—he could scarcely
believe his sight, for at that moment the whole company were moving out of
the room. He found himself almost alone, deserted by every one. "What!" said
he, "and did he turn upon his heel with the most marked contempt? Would he
not speak to me? Would he not even hear me utter a word in my defence?" His
heart died within him—not even a look, a smile from any one. "My friends! Do
they not know me? Do they not see me? Alas! they fear to catch the contagion
of my——. Then," said he, "adieu!—'tis more than I can bear. I shall go to my
country seat, and never, never will return. Adieu, fond court, adieu!—"
The venerable Marquis de Bellecourt stopped for a moment ere he entered
his carriage. Thrice he looked back, and thrice he wiped the starting tear
from his eye. "Yes," said he, "for once, at least, truth shall be found—in
the bottom of a well!"
Peace to thy ghost, most noble marquis! a King of kings shall pity thee;
and thousands who are yet unborn shall owe their happiness to thee, and have
cause to bless the thousands, perhaps, that shall never even know thy name;
but Munchausen's self shall celebrate thy glory!
CHAPTER XXII
Preparations for the Baron's expedition into Africa—Description of his
chariot; the beauties of its interior decorations; the animals that drew it,
and the mechanism of the wheels.
Everything being concluded, and having received my instructions for the
voyage, I was conducted by the illustrious Hilaro Frosticos, the Lady
Fragrantia, and a prodigious crowd of nobility, and placed sitting upon the
summit of the whale's bones at the palace; and having remained in this
situation for three days and three nights, as a trial ordeal, and a specimen
of my perseverance and resolution, the third hour after midnight they seated
me in the chariot of Queen Mab. It was a prodigious dimension, large enough
to contain more stowage than the tun of Heidelberg, and globular like a
hazel-nut: in fact, it seemed to be really a hazel-nut grown to a most
extravagant dimension, and that a great worm of proportionable enormity had
bored a hole in the shell. Through this same entrance I was ushered. It was
as large as a coach-door, and I took my seat in the centre, a kind of chair
self-balanced without touching anything, like the fancied tomb of Mahomet.
The whole interior surface of the nutshell appeared a luminous
representation of all the stars of heaven, the fixed stars, the planets, and
a comet. The stars were as large as those worn by our first nobility, and
the comet, excessively brilliant, seemed as if you had assembled all the
eyes of the beautiful girls in the kingdom, and combined them, like a
peacock's plumage, into the form of a comet—that is, a globe, and a bearded
tail to it, diminishing gradually to a point. This beautiful constellation
seemed very sportive and delightful. It was much in the form of a tadpole!
and, without ceasing, went, full of playful giddiness, up and down, all over
the heaven on the concave surface of the nutshell. One time it would be at
that part of the heavens under my feet, and in the next minute would be over
my head. It was never at rest, but for ever going east, west, north, or
south, and paid no more respect to the different worlds than if they were so
many lanterns without reflectors. Some of them he would dash against and
push out of their places; others he would burn up and consume to ashes: and
others again he would split into fritters, and their fragments would
instantly take a globular form, like spilled quicksilver, and become
satellites to whatever other worlds they should happen to meet with in their
career. In short, the whole seemed an epitome of the creation, past,
present, and future; and all that passes among the stars during one thousand
years was here generally performed in as many seconds.
I surveyed all the beauties of the chariot with wonder and delight.
"Certainly," cried I, "this is heaven in miniature!" In short, I took the
reins in my hand. But before I proceed on my adventures, I shall mention the
rest of my attendant furniture. The chariot was drawn by a team of nine
bulls harnessed to it, three after three. In the first rank was a most
tremendous bull named John Mowmowsky; the rest were called Jacks in general,
but not dignified by any particular denomination. They were all shod for the
journey, not indeed like horses, with iron, or as bullocks commonly are, to
drag on a cart; but were shod with men's skulls. Each of their feet was,
hoof and all, crammed into a man's head, cut off for the purpose, and
fastened therein with a kind of cement or paste, so that the skull seemed to
be a part of the foot and hoof of the animal. With these skull-shoes the
creatures could perform astonishing journeys, and slide upon the water, or
upon the ocean, with great velocity. The harnesses were fastened with golden
buckles, and decked with studs in a superb style, and the creatures were
ridden by nine postillions, crickets of a great size, as large as monkeys,
who sat squat upon the heads of the bulls, and were continually chirping at
a most infernal rate, loud in proportion to their bodies.
The wheels of the chariot consisted of upwards of ten thousand springs,
formed so as to give the greater impetuosity to the vehicle, and were more
complex than a dozen clocks like that of Strasburgh. The external of the
chariot was adorned with banners, and a superb festoon of laurel that
formerly shaded me on horseback. And now, having given you a very concise
description of my machine for travelling into Africa, which you must allow
to be far superior to the apparatus of Monsieur Vaillant, I shall proceed to
relate the exploits of my voyage.
CHAPTER XXIII
The Baron proceeds on his voyage—Convoys a squadron to Gibraltar
—Declines the acceptance of the island of Candia—His chariot damaged by
Pompey's Pillar and Cleopatra's Needle—The Baron out-does Alexander—Breaks
his chariot, and splits a great rock at the Cape of Good Hope.
Taking the reins in my hand, while the music gave a general salute, I
cracked my whip, away they went, and in three hours I found myself just
between the Isle of Wight and the main land of England. Here I remained four
days, until I had received part of my accompaniment, which I was ordered to
take under my convoy. 'Twas a squadron of men-of-war that had been a long
time prepared for the Baltic, but which were now destined for the
Mediterranean. By the assistance of large hooks and eyes, exactly such as
are worn in our hats, but of a greater size, some hundredweight each, the
men-of-war hooked themselves on to the wheels of the vehicle: and, in fact,
nothing could be more simple or convenient, because they could be hooked or
unhooked in an instant with the utmost facility. In short, having given a
general discharge of their artillery, and three cheers, I cracked my whip,
away we went, helter skelter, and in six jiffies I found myself and all my
retinue safe and in good spirits just at the rock of Gibraltar. Here I
unhooked my squadron, and having taken an affectionate leave of the
officers, I suffered them to proceed in their ordinary manner to the place
of their destination. The whole garrison were highly delighted with the
novelty of my vehicle; and at the pressing solicitations of the governor and
officers I went ashore, and took a view of that barren old rock, about which
more powder has been fired away than would purchase twice as much fertile
ground in any part of the world! Mounting my chariot, I took the reins, and
again made forward, in mad career, down the Mediterranean to the isle of
Candia. Here I received despatches from the Sublime Porte, entreating me to
assist in the war against Russia, with a reward of the whole island of
Candia for my alliance. At first I hesitated, thinking that the island of
Candia would be a most valuable acquisition to the sovereign who at that
time employed me, and that the most delicious wines, sugar, &c., in
abundance would flourish on the island; yet, when I considered the trade of
the East India Company, which would most probably suffer by the intercourse
with Persia through the Mediterranean, I at once rejected the proposal, and
had afterwards the thanks of the Honourable the House of Commons for my
propriety and political discernment.
Having been properly refreshed at Candia, I again proceeded, and in a
short time arrived in the land of Egypt. The land of this country, at least
that part of it near the sea, is very low, so that I came upon it ere I was
aware, and the Pillar of Pompey got entangled in the various wheels of the
machine, and damaged the whole considerably. Still I drove on through thick
and thin, till, passing over that great obelisk, the Needle of Cleopatra,
the work got entangled again, and jolted at a miserable rate over the mud
and swampy ground of all that country; yet my poor bulls trotted on with
astonishing labour across the Isthmus of Suez into the Red Sea, and left a
track, an obscure channel, which has since been taken by De Tott for the
remains of a canal cut by some of the Ptolemies from the Red Sea to the
Mediterranean; but, as you perceive, was in reality no more than the track
of my chariot, the car of Queen Mab.
As the artists at present in that country are nothing wonderful, though
the ancient Egyptians, 'tis said, were most astonishing fellows, I could not
procure any new coach-springs, or have a possibility of setting my machine
to rights in the kingdom of Egypt; and as I could not presume to attempt
another journey overland, and the great mountains of marble beyond the
source of the Nile, I thought it most eligible to make the best way I could,
by sea, to the Cape of Good Hope, where I supposed I should get some Dutch
smiths and carpenters, or perhaps some English artists; and my vehicle being
properly repaired, it was my intention thence to proceed, overland, through
the heart of Africa. The surface of the water, I well knew, afforded less
resistance to the wheels of the machine—it passed along the waves like the
chariot of Neptune; and in short, having gotten upon the Red Sea, we scudded
away to admiration through the pass of Babelmandeb to the great Western
coast of Africa, where Alexander had not the courage to venture.
And really, my friends, if Alexander had ventured toward the Cape of Good
Hope he most probably would have never returned. It is difficult to
determine whether there were then any inhabitants in the more southern parts
of Africa or not; yet, at any rate, this conqueror of the world would have
made but a nonsensical adventure; his miserable ships, not contrived for a
long voyage, would have become leaky, and foundered, before he could have
doubled the Cape, and left his Majesty fairly beyond the limits of the then
known world. Yet it would have been an august exit for an Alexander, after
having subdued Persia and India, to be wandering the Lord knows where, to
Jup or Ammon, perhaps, or on a voyage to the moon, as an Indian chief once
said to Captain Cook.
But, for my part, I was far more successful than Alexander; I drove on
with the most amazing rapidity, and thinking to halt on shore at the Cape, I
unfortunately drove too close, and shattered the right side wheels of my
vehicle against the rock, now called the Table Mountain. The machine went
against it with such impetuosity as completely shivered the rock in a
horizontal direction; so that the summit of the mountain, in the form of a
semi-sphere, was knocked into the sea, and the steep mountain becoming
thereby flattened at the top, has since received the name of the Table
Mountain, from its similarity to that piece of furniture.
Just as this part of the mountain was knocked off, the ghost of the Cape,
that tremendous sprite which cuts such a figure in the Lusiad, was
discovered sitting squat in an excavation formed for him in the centre of
the mountain. He seemed just like a young bee in his little cell before he
comes forth, or like a bean in a bean-pod; and when the upper part of the
mountain was split across and knocked off, the superior half of his person
was discovered. He appeared of a bottle-blue colour, and started, dazzled
with the unexpected glare of the light: hearing the dreadful rattle of the
wheels, and the loud chirping of the crickets, he was thunder-struck, and
instantly giving a shriek, sunk down ten thousand fathoms into the earth,
while the mountain, vomiting out some smoke, silently closed up, and left
not a trace behind!
CHAPTER XXIV
The Baron secures his chariot, &c., at the Cape and takes his passage
for England in a homeward-bound Indiaman—Wrecked upon an island of ice, near
the coast of Guinea—Escapes from the wreck, and rears a variety of
vegetables upon the island—Meets some vessels belonging to the negroes
bringing white slaves from Europe, in retaliation, to work upon their
plantations in a cold climate near the South Pole—Arrives in England, and
lays an account of his expedition before the Privy Council—Great
preparations for a new expedition—The Sphinx, Gog and Magog, and a great
company attend him—The ideas of Hilaro Frosticos respecting the interior
parts of Africa.
I perceived with grief and consternation the miscarriage of all my
apparatus; yet I was not absolutely dejected: a great mind is never known
but in adversity. With permission of the Dutch governor the chariot was
properly laid up in a great storehouse, erected at the water's edge, and the
bulls received every refreshment possible after so terrible a voyage. Well,
you may be sure they deserved it, and therefore every attendance was engaged
for them, until I should return.
As it was not possible to do anything more I took my passage in a
homeward-bound Indiaman, to return to London, and lay the matter before the
Privy Council.
We met with nothing particular until we arrived upon the coast of Guinea,
where, to our utter astonishment, we perceived a great hill, seemingly of
glass, advancing against us in the open sea; the rays of the sun were
reflected upon it with such splendour, that it was extremely difficult to
gaze at the phenomenon. I immediately knew it to be an island of ice, and
though in so very warm a latitude, determined to make all possible sail from
such horrible danger. We did so, but all in vain, for about eleven o'clock
at night, blowing a very hard gale, and exceedingly dark, we struck upon the
island. Nothing could equal the distraction, the shrieks, and despair of the
whole crew, until I, knowing there was not a moment to be lost, cheered up
their spirits, and bade them not despond, but do as I should request them.
In a few minutes the vessel was half full of water, and the enormous castle
of ice that seemed to hem us in on every side, in some places falling in
hideous fragments upon the deck, killed one half of the crew; upon which,
getting upon the summit of the mast, I contrived to make it fast to a great
promontory of the ice, and calling to the remainder of the crew to follow
me, we all escaped from the wreck, and got upon the summit of the island.
The rising sun soon gave us a dreadful prospect of our situation, and the
loss, or rather iceification, of the vessel; for being closed in on every
side with castles of ice during the night, she was absolutely frozen over
and buried in such a manner that we could behold her under our feet, even in
the central solidity of the island. Having debated what was best to be done,
we immediately cut down through the ice, and got up some of the cables of
the vessel, and the boats, which, making fast to the island, we towed it
with all our might, determined to bring home island and all, or perish in
the attempt. On the summit of the island we placed what oakum and dregs of
every kind of matter we could get from the vessel, which, in the space of a
very few hours, on account of the liquefying of the ice, and the warmth of
the sun, were transformed into a very fine manure; and as I had some seeds
of exotic vegetables in my pocket, we shortly had a sufficiency of fruits
and roots growing upon the island to supply the whole crew, especially the
bread-fruit tree, a few plants of which had been in the vessel; and another
tree, which bore plum-puddings so very hot, and with such exquisite
proportion of sugar, fruit, &c., that we all acknowledged it was not
possible to taste anything of the kind more delicious in England: in short,
though the scurvy had made such dreadful progress among the crew before our
striking upon the ice, the supply of vegetables, and especially the
bread-fruit and pudding-fruit, put an almost immediate stop to the
distemper.
We had not proceeded thus many weeks, advancing with incredible fatigue
by continual towing, when we fell in with a fleet of Negro-men, as they call
them. These wretches, I must inform you, my dear friends, had found means to
make prizes of those vessels from some Europeans upon the coast of Guinea,
and tasting the sweets of luxury, had formed colonies in several new
discovered islands near the South Pole, where they had a variety of
plantations of such matters as would only grow in the coldest climates. As
the black inhabitants of Guinea were unsuited to the climate and excessive
cold of the country, they formed the diabolical project of getting Christian
slaves to work for them. For this purpose they sent vessels every year to
the coast of Scotland, the northern parts of Ireland, and Wales, and were
even sometimes seen off the coast of Cornwall. And having purchased, or
entrapped by fraud or violence, a great number of men, women, and children,
they proceeded with their cargoes of human flesh to the other end of the
world, and sold them to their planters, where they were flogged into
obedience, and made to work like horses all the rest of their lives.
My blood ran cold at the idea, while every one on the island also
expressed his horror that such an iniquitous traffic should be suffered to
exist. But, except by open violence, it was found impossible to destroy the
trade, on account of a barbarous prejudice, entertained of late by the
negroes, that the white people have no souls! However, we were determined to
attack them, and steering down our island upon them, soon overwhelmed them:
we saved as many of the white people as possible, but pushed all the blacks
into the water again. The poor creatures we saved from slavery were so
overjoyed, that they wept aloud through gratitude, and we experienced every
delightful sensation to think what happiness we should shower upon their
parents, their brothers and sisters and children, by bringing them home
safe, redeemed from slavery, to the bosom of their native country.
Having happily arrived in England, I immediately laid a statement of my
voyage, &c., before the Privy Council, and entreated an immediate assistance
to travel into Africa, and, if possible, refit my former machine, and take
it along with the rest. Everything was instantly granted to my satisfaction,
and I received orders to get myself ready for departure as soon as possible.
As the Emperor of China had sent a most curious animal as a present to
Europe, which was kept in the Tower, and it being of an enormous stature,
and capable of performing the voyage with éclat, she was ordered to
attend me. She was called Sphinx, and was one of the most tremendous though
magnificent figures I ever beheld. She was harnessed with superb trappings
to a large flat-bottomed boat, in which was placed an edifice of wood,
exactly resembling Westminster Hall. Two balloons were placed over it,
tackled by a number of ropes to the boat, to keep up a proper equilibrium,
and prevent it from overturning, or filling, from the prodigious weight of
the fabric.
The interior of the edifice was decorated with seats, in the form of an
amphitheatre, and crammed as full as it could hold with ladies and lords, as
a council and retinue for your humble servant. Nearly in the centre was a
seat elegantly decorated for myself, and on either side of me were placed
the famous Gog and Magog in all their pomp.
The Lord Viscount Gosamer being our postillion, we floated gallantly down
the river, the noble Sphinx gambolling like the huge leviathan, and towing
after her the boat and balloons.
Thus we advanced, sailing gently, into the open sea; being calm weather,
we could scarcely feel the motion of the vehicle, and passed our time in
grand debate upon the glorious intention of our voyage, and the discoveries
that would result.
"I am of opinion," said my noble friend, Hilaro Frosticos, "that Africa
was originally inhabited for the greater part, or, I may say, subjugated by
lions which, next to man, seem to be the most dreaded of all mortal tyrants.
The country in general—at least, what we have been hitherto able to
discover, seems rather inimical to human life; the intolerable dryness of
the place, the burning sands that overwhelm whole armies and cities in
general ruin, and the hideous life many roving hordes are compelled to lead,
incline me to think, that if ever we form any great settlements therein, it
will become the grave of our countrymen. Yet it is nearer to us than the
East Indies, and I cannot but imagine, that in many places every production
of China, and of the East and West Indies, would flourish, if properly
attended to. And as the country is so prodigiously extensive and unknown,
what a source of discovery must not it contain! In fact, we know less about
the interior of Africa than we do of the moon; for in this latter we measure
the very prominences, and observe the varieties and inequalities of the
surface through our glasses—
"Forests and mountains on her spotted orb.
"But we see nothing in the interior of Africa, but what some compilers of
maps or geographers are fanciful enough to imagine. What a happy event,
therefore, should we not expect from a voyage of discovery and colonisation
undertaken in so magnificent a style as the present! what a pride—what an
acquisition to philosophy!"
CHAPTER XXV
Count Gosamer thrown by Sphinx into the snow on the top of
Teneriffe—Gog and Magog conduct Sphinx for the rest of the voyage—The Baron
arrives at the Cape, and unites his former chariot, &c., to his new
retinue—Passes into Africa, proceeding from the Cape northwards—Defeats a
host of lions by a curious stratagem—Travels through an immense desert—His
whole company, chariot, &c., overwhelmed by a whirlwind of sand—Extricates
them, and arrives in a fertile country.
The brave Count Gosamer, with a pair of hell-fire spurs on, riding upon
Sphinx, directed the whole retinue towards the Madeiras. But the Count had
no small share of an amiable vanity, and perceiving great multitudes of
people, Gascons, &c., assembled upon the French coast, he could not refrain
from showing some singular capers, such as they had never seen before: but
especially when he observed all the members of the National Assembly extend
themselves along the shore, as a piece of French politeness, to honour this
expedition, with Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub at their head; he set
spurs to Sphinx, and at the same time cut and cracked away as hard as he
could, holding in the reins with all his might, striving to make the
creature plunge and show some uncommon diversion. But sulky and ill-tempered
was Sphinx at the time: she plunged indeed—such a devil of a plunge, that
she dashed him in one jerk over her head, and he fell precipitately into the
water before her. It was in the Bay of Biscay, all the world knows a very
boisterous sea, and Sphinx, fearing he would be drowned, never turned to the
left or the right out of her way, but advancing furious, just stooped her
head a little, and supped the poor count off the water, into her mouth,
together with the quantity of two or three tuns of water, which she must
have taken in along with him, but which were, to such an enormous creature
as Sphinx, nothing more than a spoonful would be to any of you or me. She
swallowed him, but when she had got him in her stomach, his long spurs so
scratched and tickled her, that they produced the effect of an emetic. No
sooner was he in, but out he was squirted with the most horrible
impetuosity, like a ball or a shell from the calibre of a mortar. Sphinx was
at this time quite sea-sick, and the unfortunate count was driven forth like
a sky-rocket, and landed upon the peak of Teneriffe, plunged over head and
ears in the snow—requiescat in pace!
I perceived all this mischief from my seat in the ark, but was in such a
convulsion of laughter that I could not utter an intelligible word. And now
Sphinx, deprived of her postillion, went on in a zigzag direction, and
gambolled away after a most dreadful manner. And thus had everything gone to
wreck, had I not given instant orders to Gog and Magog to sally forth. They
plunged into the water, and swimming on each side, got at length right
before the animal, and then seized the reins. Thus they continued swimming
on each side, like tritons, holding the muzzle of Sphinx, while I, sallying
forth astride upon the creature's back, steered forward on our voyage to the
Cape of Good Hope.
Arriving at the Cape, I immediately gave orders to repair my former
chariot and machines, which were very expeditiously performed by the
excellent artists I had brought with me from Europe. And now everything
being refitted, we launched forth upon the water: perhaps there never was
anything seen more glorious or more august. 'Twas magnificent to behold
Sphinx make her obeisance on the water, and the crickets chirp upon the
bulls in return of the salute; while Gog and Magog, advancing, took the
reins of the great John Mowmowsky, and leading towards us chariot and all,
instantly disposed of them to the forepart of the ark by hooks and eyes, and
tackled Sphinx before all the bulls. Thus the whole had a most tremendous
and triumphal appearance. In front floated forwards the mighty Sphinx, with
Gog and Magog on each side; next followed in order the bulls with crickets
upon their heads; and then advanced the chariot of Queen Mab, containing the
curious seat and orrery of heaven; after which appeared the boat and ark of
council, overtopped with two balloons, which gave an air of greater
lightness and elegance to the whole. I placed in the galleries under the
balloons, and on the backs of the bulls, a number of excellent vocal
performers, with martial music of clarionets and trumpets. They sung the
"Watery Dangers," and the "Pomp of Deep Cerulean!" The sun shone glorious on
the water while the procession advanced toward the land, under five hundred
arches of ice, illuminated with coloured lights, and adorned in the most
grotesque and fanciful style with sea-weed, elegant festoons, and shells of
every kind; while a thousand water-spouts danced eternally before and after
us, attracting the water from the sea in a kind of cone, and suddenly
uniting with the most fantastical thunder and lightning.
Having landed our whole retinue, we immediately began to proceed toward
the heart of Africa, but first thought it expedient to place a number of
wheels under the ark for its greater facility of advancing. We journeyed
nearly due north for several days, and met with nothing remarkable except
the astonishment of the savage natives to behold our equipage.
The Dutch Government at the Cape, to do them justice, gave us every
possible assistance for the expedition. I presume they had received
instruction on that head from their High Mightinesses in Holland. However,
they presented us with a specimen of some of the most excellent of their
Cape wine, and showed us every politeness in their power. As to the face of
the country, as we advanced, it appeared in many places capable of every
cultivation, and of abundant fertility. The natives and Hottentots of this
part of Africa have been frequently described by travellers, and therefore
it is not necessary to say any more about them. But in the more interior
parts of Africa the appearance, manners, and genius of the people are
totally different.
We directed our course by the compass and the stars, getting every day
prodigious quantities of game in the woods, and at night encamping within a
proper enclosure for fear of the wild beasts. One whole day in particular we
heard on every side, among the hills, the horrible roaring of lions,
resounding from rock to rock like broken thunder. It seemed as if there was
a general rendezvous of all these savage animals to fall upon our party.
That whole day we advanced with caution, our hunters scarcely venturing
beyond pistol shot from the caravan for fear of dissolution. At night we
encamped as usual, and threw up a circular entrenchment round our tents. We
had scarce retired to repose when we found ourselves serenaded by at least
one thousand lions, approaching equally on every side, and within a hundred
paces. Our cattle showed the most horrible symptoms of fear, all trembling,
and in cold perspiration. I directly ordered the whole company to stand to
their arms, and not to make any noise by firing till I should command them.
I then took a large quantity of tar, which I had brought with our caravan
for that purpose, and strewed it in a continued stream round the encampment,
within which circle of tar I immediately placed another train or circle of
gunpowder, and having taken this precaution, I anxiously waited the lions'
approach. These dreadful animals, knowing, I presume, the force of our
troop, advanced very slowly, and with caution, approaching on every side of
us with an equal pace, and growling in hideous concert, so as to resemble an
earthquake, or some similar convulsion of the world. When they had at length
advanced and steeped all their paws in the tar, they put their noses to it,
smelling it as if it were blood, and daubed their great bushy hair and
whiskers with it equal to their paws. At that very instant, when, in
concert, they were to give the mortal dart upon us, I discharged a pistol at
the train of gunpowder, which instantly exploded on every side, made all the
lions recoil in general uproar, and take to flight with the utmost
precipitation. In an instant we could behold them scattered through the
woods at some distance, roaring in agony, and moving about like so many
Will-o'-the-Wisps, their paws and faces all on fire from the tar and the
gun-powder. I then ordered a general pursuit: we followed them on every side
through the woods, their own light serving as our guide, until, before the
rising of the sun, we followed into their fastnesses and shot or otherwise
destroyed every one of them, and during the whole of our journey after we
never heard the roaring of a lion, nor did any wild beast presume to make
another attack upon our party, which shows the excellence of immediate
presence of mind, and the terror inspired into the savage enemies by a
proper and well-timed proceeding.
We at length arrived on the confines of an immeasurable desert—an immense
plain, extending on every side of us like an ocean. Not a tree, nor a shrub,
nor a blade of grass was to be seen, but all appeared an extreme fine sand,
mixed with gold-dust and little sparkling pearls.
The gold-dust and pearls appeared to us of little value, because we could
have no expectation of returning to England for a considerable time. We
observed, at a great distance, something like a smoke arising just over the
verge of the horizon, and looking with our telescopes we perceived it to be
a whirlwind tearing up the sand and tossing it about in the heavens with
frightful impetuosity. I immediately ordered my company to erect a mound
around us of a great size, which we did with astonishing labour and
perseverance, and then roofed it over with certain planks and timber, which
we had with us for the purpose. Our labour was scarcely finished when the
sand came rolling in like the waves of the sea; 'twas a storm and river of
sand united. It continued to advance in the same direction, without
intermission, for three days, and completely covered over the mound we had
erected, and buried us all within. The intense heat of the place was
intolerable; but guessing, by the cessation of the noise, that the storm was
passed, we set about digging a passage to the light of day again, which we
effected in a very short time, and ascending, perceived that the whole had
been so completely covered with the sand, that there appeared no hills, but
one continued plain, with inequalities or ridges on it like the waves of the
sea. We soon extricated our vehicle and retinue from the burning sands, but
not without great danger, as the heat was very violent, and began to proceed
on our voyage. Storms of sand of a similar nature several times attacked us,
but by using the same precautions we preserved ourselves repeatedly from
destruction. Having travelled more than nine thousand miles over this
inhospitable plain, exposed to the perpendicular rays of a burning sun,
without ever meeting a rivulet, or a shower from heaven to refresh us, we at
length became almost desperate, when, to our inexpressible joy, we beheld
some mountains at a great distance, and on our nearer approach observed them
covered with a carpet of verdure and groves and woods. Nothing could appear
more romantic or beautiful than the rocks and precipices intermingled with
flowers and shrubs of every kind, and palm-trees of such a prodigious size
as to surpass anything ever seen in Europe. Fruits of all kinds appeared
growing wild in the utmost abundance, and antelopes and sheep and buffaloes
wandered about the groves and valleys in profusion. The trees resounded with
the melody of birds, and everything displayed a general scene of rural
happiness and joy.
CHAPTER XXVI
A feast on live bulls and kava—The inhabitants admire the European
adventurers—The Emperor comes to meet the Baron, and pays him great
compliments—The inhabitants of the centre of Africa descended from the
people of the moon proved by an inscription in Africa, and by the analogy of
their language, which is also the same with that of the ancient
Scythians—The Baron is declared sovereign of the interior of Africa on the
decease of the Emperor—He endeavours to abolish the custom of eating live
bulls, which excites much discontent—The advice of Hilaro Frosticos upon the
occasion—The Baron makes a speech to an Assembly of the states, which only
excites greater murmurs—He consults with Hilaro Frosticos.
Having passed over the nearest mountains we entered a delightful vale,
where we perceived a multitude of persons at a feast of living bulls, whose
flesh they cut away with great knives, making a table of the creature's
carcase, serenaded by the bellowing of the unfortunate animal. Nothing
seemed requisite to add to the barbarity of this feast but kava, made
as described in Cook's voyages, and at the conclusion of the feast we
perceived them brewing this liquor, which they drank with the utmost
avidity. From that moment, inspired with an idea of universal benevolence, I
determined to abolish the custom of eating live flesh and drinking of kava.
But I knew that such a thing could not be immediately effected, whatever in
future time might be performed.
Having rested ourselves during a few days, we determined to set out
towards the principal city of the empire. The singularity of our appearance
was spoken of all over the country as a phenomenon. The multitude looked
upon Sphinx, the bulls, the crickets, the balloons, and the whole company,
as something more than terrestrial, but especially the thunder of our
fire-arms, which struck horror and amazement into the whole nation.
We at length arrived at the metropolis, situated on the banks of a noble
river, and the emperor, attended by all his court, came out in grand
procession to meet us. The emperor appeared mounted on a dromedary, royally
caparisoned, with all his attendants on foot through respect for his
Majesty. He was rather above the middle stature of that country, four feet
three inches in height, with a countenance, like all his countrymen, as
white as snow! He was preceded by a band of most exquisite music, according
to the fashion of the country, and his whole retinue halted within about
fifty paces of our troop. We returned the salute by a discharge of musketry,
and a flourish of our trumpets and martial music. I commanded our caravan to
halt, and dismounting, advanced uncovered, with only two attendants, towards
his Majesty. The emperor was equally polite, and descending from his
dromedary, advanced to meet me. "I am happy," said he, "to have the honour
to receive so illustrious a traveller, and assure you that everything in my
empire shall be at your disposal."
I thanked his Majesty for his politeness, and expressed how happy I was
to meet so polished and refined a people in the centre of Africa, and that I
hoped to show myself and company grateful for his esteem, by introducing the
arts and sciences of Europe among the people.
I immediately perceived the true descent of this people, which does not
appear of terrestrial origin, but descended from some of the inhabitants of
the moon, because the principal language spoken there, and in the centre of
Africa, is very nearly the same. Their alphabet and method of writing are
pretty much the same, and show the extreme antiquity of this people, and
their exalted origin. I here give you a specimen of their writing [Vide
Otrckocsus de Orig. Hung. p. 46]:—Stregnah, dna skoohtop.
These characters I have submitted to the inspection of a celebrated
antiquarian, and it will be proved to the satisfaction of every one, in his
next volume, what an immediate intercourse there must have been between the
inhabitants of the moon and the ancient Scythians, which Scythians did not
by any means inhabit a part of Russia, but the central part of Africa, as I
can abundantly prove to my very learned and laborious friend. The above
words, written in our characters, are Sregnah dna skoohtop; that is,
The Scythians are of heavenly origin. The word Sregnah, which
signifies Scythians, is compounded of sreg or sre,
whence our present English word sire, or sir: and nah, or gnah,
knowledge, because the Scythians united the essentials of nobility and
learning together: dna signifies heaven, or belonging to the moon,
from duna, who was anciently worshipped as goddess of that luminary.
And skooh-top signifies the origin or beginning of anything, from
skoo, the name used in the moon for a point in geometry, and top
or htop, vegetation. These words are inscribed at this day upon a
pyramid in the centre of Africa, nearly at the source of the river Niger;
and if any one refuses his assent, he may go there to be convinced.
The emperor conducted me to his court amidst the admiration of his
courtiers, and paid us every possible politeness that African magnificence
could bestow. He never presumed to proceed on any expedition without
consulting us, and looking upon us as a species of superior beings, paid the
greatest respect to our opinions. He frequently asked me about the states of
Europe, and the kingdom of Great Britain, and appeared lost in admiration at
the account I gave him of our shipping, and the immensity of the ocean. We
taught him to regulate the government nearly on the same plan with the
British constitution, and to institute a parliament and degrees of nobility.
His majesty was the last of his royal line, and on his decease, with the
unanimous consent of the people, made me heir to the whole empire. The
nobility and chiefs of the country immediately waited upon me with
petitions, entreating me to accept the government. I consulted with my noble
friends, Gog and Magog, &c., and after much consultation it was agreed that
I should accept the government, not as actual and independent monarch of the
place, but as viceroy to his Majesty of England.
I now thought it high time to do away the custom of eating of live flesh
and drinking of kava, and for that purpose used every persuasive method to
wean the majority of the people from it. This, to my astonishment, was not
taken in good part by the nation, and they looked with jealousy at those
strangers who wanted to make innovations among them.
Nevertheless, I felt much concern to think that my fellow-creatures could
be capable of such barbarity. I did everything that a heart fraught with
universal benevolence and good will to all mankind could be capable of
desiring. I first tried every method of persuasion and incitement. I did not
harshly reprove them, but I invited frequently whole thousands to dine,
after the fashion of Europe, upon roasted meat. Alas, 'twas all in vain! my
goodness nearly excited a sedition. They murmured among themselves, spoke of
my intentions, my wild and ambitious views, as if I, O heaven! could have
had any personal interested motive in making them live like men, rather than
like crocodiles and tigers. In fine, perceiving that gentleness could be of
no avail, well knowing that when complaisance can effect nothing from some
spirits, compulsion excites respect and veneration, I prohibited, under the
pain of the severest penalties, the drinking of kava, or eating of live
flesh, for the space of nine days, within the districts of Angalinar and
Paphagalna.
But this created such an universal abhorrence and detestation of my
government, that my ministers, and even myself, were universally
pasquinadoed; lampoons, satires, ridicule, and insult, were showered upon
the name of Munchausen wherever it was mentioned; and in fine, there never
was a government so much detested, or with such little reason.
In this dilemma I had recourse to the advice of my noble friend Hilaro
Frosticos. In his good sense I now expected some resource, for the rest of
the council, who had advised me to the former method, had given but a poor
specimen of their abilities and discernment, or I should have succeeded more
happily. In short, he addressed himself to me and to the council as
follows:—
"It is in vain, most noble Munchausen, that your Excellency endeavours to
compel or force these people to a life to which they have never been
accustomed. In vain do you tell them that apple-pies, pudding, roast beef,
minced pies, or tarts, are delicious, that sugar is sweet, that wine is
exquisite. Alas! they cannot, they will not comprehend what deliciousness
is, what sweetness, or what the flavour of the grape. And even if they were
convinced of the superior excellence of your way of life, never, never would
they be persuaded; and that if for no other reason, but because force or
persuasion is employed to induce them to it. Abandon that idea for the
present, and let us try another method. My opinion, therefore, is, that we
should at once cease all endeavours to compel or persuade them. But let us,
if possible, procure a quantity of fudge from England, and carelessly
scatter it over all the country; and from this disposal of matters I
presume—nay, I have a moral certainty, that we shall reclaim this people
from horror and barbarity."
Had this been proposed at any other time, it would have been violently
opposed in the council; but now, when every other attempt had failed, when
there seemed no other resource, the majority willingly submitted to they
knew not what, for they absolutely had no idea of the manner, the
possibilities of success, or how they could bring matters to bear. However,
'twas a scheme, and as such they submitted. For my part, I listened with
ecstasy to the words of Hilaro Frosticos, for I knew that he had a most
singular knowledge of human kind, and could humour and persuade them on to
their own happiness and universal good. Therefore, according to the advice
of Hilaro, I despatched a balloon with four men over the desert to the Cape
of Good Hope, with letters to be forwarded to England, requiring, without
delay, a few cargoes of fudge.
The people had all this time remained in a general state of ferment and
murmur. Everything that rancour, low wit, and deplorable ignorance could
conceive to asperse my government, was put in execution. The most worthy,
even the most beneficent actions, everything that was amiable, were
perverted into opposition.
The heart of Munchausen was not made of such impenetrable stuff as to be
insensible to the hatred of even the most worthless wretch in the whole
kingdom; and once, at a general assembly of the states, filled with an idea
of such continued ingratitude, I spoke as pathetic as possible, not,
methought, beneath my dignity, to make them feel for me: that the universal
good and happiness of the people were all I wished or desired; that if my
actions had been mistaken, or improper surmises formed, still I had no wish,
no desire, but the public welfare, &c. &c. &c.
Hilaro Frosticos was all this time much disturbed; he looked sternly at
me—he frowned, but I was so engrossed with the warmth of my heart, my
intentions, that I understood him not: in a minute I saw nothing but as if
through a cloud (such is the force of amiable sensibility)—lords, ladies,
chiefs—the whole assembly seemed to swim before my sight. The more I thought
on my good intentions, the lampoons which so much affected my delicacy, good
nature, tenderness—I forgot myself—I spoke rapid,
violent—beneficence—fire—tenderness—alas! I melted into tears!
"Pish! pish!" said Hilaro Frosticos.
Now, indeed, was my government lampooned, satirised, carribonadoed,
bepickled, and bedevilled. One day, with my arm full of lampoons, I started
up as Hilaro entered the room, the tears in my eyes: "Look, look here,
Hilaro!—how can I bear all this? It is impossible to please them; I will
leave the government—I cannot bear it! See what pitiful anecdotes—what
surmises: I will make my people feel for me—I will leave the government!"
"Pshaw!" says Hilaro. At that simple mono-syllable I found myself changed
as if by magic! for I ever looked on Hilaro as a person so experienced—such
fortitude, such good sense. "There are three sails, under the convoy of a
frigate," added Hilaro, "just arrived at the Cape, after a fortunate
passage, laden with the fudge that we demanded. No time is to be lost; let
it be immediately conducted hither, and distributed through the principal
granaries of the empire."
CHAPTER XXVII
A proclamation by the Baron—Excessive curiosity of the people to know
what fudge was—The people in a general ferment about it—They break open all
the granaries in the empire—The affections of the people conciliated—An ode
performed in honour of the Baron—His discourse with Fragrantia on the
excellence of the music.
Some time after I ordered the following proclamation to be published in
the Court Gazette, and in all the other papers of the empire:—
BY THE MOST MIGHTY AND PUISSANT LORD,
HIS EXCELLENCY THE
LORD BARON MUNCHAUSEN.
Whereas a quantity of fudge has been distributed through all the
granaries of the empire for particular uses; and as the natives have ever
expressed their aversion to all manner of European eatables, it is hereby
strictly forbidden, under pain of the severest penalties, for any of the
officers charged with the keeping of the said fudge to give, sell, or suffer
to be sold, any part or quantity whatever of the said material, until it be
agreeable unto our good will and pleasure.
Dated in our Castle of Gristariska
this Triskill of the month of
Griskish, in the year Moulikasra-
navas-kashna-vildash.
This proclamation excited the most ardent curiosity all over the empire.
"Do you know what this fudge is?" said Lady Mooshilgarousti to Lord
Darnarlaganl. "Fudge!" said he, "Fudge! no: what fudge?" "I mean," replied
her Ladyship, "the enormous quantity of fudge that has been distributed
under guards in all the strong places in the empire, and which is strictly
forbidden to be sold or given to any of the natives under the severest
penalties." "Lord!" replied he, "what in the name of wonder can it be?
Forbidden! why it must, but pray do you, Lady Fashashash, do you know what
this fudge is? Do you, Lord Trastillauex? or you, Miss Gristilarkask? What!
nobody know what this fudge can be?"
It engrossed for several days the chit-chat of the whole empire. Fudge,
fudge, fudge, resounded in all companies and in all places, from the rising
until the setting of the sun; and even at night, when gentle sleep refreshed
the rest of mortals, the ladies of all that country were dreaming of fudge!
"Upon my honour," said Kitty, as she was adjusting her modesty piece
before the glass, just after getting out of bed, "there is scarce anything I
would not give to know what this fudge can be." "La! my dear," replied Miss
Killnariska, "I have been dreaming the whole night of nothing but fudge; I
thought my lover kissed my hand, and pressed it to his bosom, while I,
frowning, endeavoured to wrest it from him: that he kneeled at my feet. No,
never, never will I look at you, cried I, till you tell me what this fudge
can be, or get me some of it. Begone! cried I, with all the dignity of
offended beauty, majesty, and a tragic queen. Begone! never see me more, or
bring me this delicious fudge. He swore, on the honour of a knight, that he
would wander o'er the world, encounter every danger, perish in the attempt,
or satisfy the angel of his soul."
The chiefs and nobility of the nation, when they met together to drink
their kava, spoke of nothing but fudge. Men, women, and children all, all
talked of nothing but fudge. 'Twas a fury of curiosity, one general ferment,
and universal fever—nothing but fudge could allay it.
But in one respect they all agreed, that government must have had some
interested view, in giving such positive orders to preserve it, and keep it
from the natives of the country. Petitions were addressed to me from all
quarters, from every corporation and body of men in the whole empire. The
majority of the people instructed their constituents, and the parliament
presented a petition, praying that I would be pleased to take the state of
the nation under consideration, and give orders to satisfy the people, or
the most dreadful consequences were to be apprehended. To these requests, at
the entreaty of my council, I made no reply, or at best but unsatisfactory
answers. Curiosity was on the rack; they forgot to lampoon the government,
so engaged were they about the fudge. The great assembly of the states could
think of nothing else. Instead of enacting laws for the regulation of the
people, instead of consulting what should seem most wise, most excellent,
they could think, talk, and harangue of nothing but fudge. In vain did the
Speaker call to order; the more checks they got the more extravagant and
inquisitive they were.
In short, the populace in many places rose in the most outrageous and
tumultuous manner, forced open the granaries in all places in one day, and
triumphantly distributed the fudge through the whole empire.
Whether on account of the longing, the great curiosity, imagination, or
the disposition of the people, I cannot say—but they found it infinitely to
their taste; 'twas intoxication of joy, satisfaction, and applause.
Finding how much they liked this fudge, I procured another quantity from
England, much greater than the former, and cautiously bestowed it over all
the kingdom. Thus were the affections of the people regained; and they, from
hence, began to venerate, applaud, and admire my government more than ever.
The following ode was performed at the castle, in the most superb style, and
universally admired:—
ODE.
Ye bulls and crickets, and Gog, Magog,
And trump'ts high chiming anthrophog,
Come sing blithe choral all in og,
Caralog, basilog, fog, and bog!
Great and superb appears thy cap sublime,
Admired and worshipp'd as the rising sun;
Solemn, majestic, wise, like hoary Time,
And fam'd alike for virtue, sense, and fun.
Then swell the noble strain with song,
And elegance divine,
While goddesses around shall throng,
And all the muses nine.
And bulls, and crickets, and Gog, Magog,
And trumpets chiming anthrophog,
Shall sing blithe choral all in og,
Caralog, basilog, fog, and bog!
This piece of poetry was much applauded, admired, and encored in
every public assembly, celebrated as an astonishing effort of genius; and
the music, composed by Minheer Gastrashbark Gkrghhbarwskhk, was thought
equal to the sense!—Never was there anything so universally admired, the
summit of the most exquisite wit, the keenest praise, the most excellent
music.
"Upon my honour, and the faith I owe my love," said I, "music may be
talked of in England, but to possess the very soul of harmony the world
should come to the performance of this ode." Lady Fragrantia was at that
moment drumming with her fingers on the edge of her fan, lost in a reverie,
thinking she was playing upon——Was it a forte piano?
"No, my dear Fragrantia," said I, tenderly taking her in my arms while
she melted into tears; "never, never, will I play upon any other——!"
Oh! 'twas divine, to see her like a summer's morning, all blushing and
full of dew!
CHAPTER XXVIII
The Baron sets all the people of the empire to work to build a bridge
from their country to Great Britain—His contrivance to render the arch
secure—Orders an inscription to be engraved on the bridge—Returns with all
his company, chariot, etc., to England—Surveys the kingdoms and nations
under him from the middle of the bridge.
"And now, most noble Baron," said the illustrious Hilaro Frosticos, "now
is the time to make this people proceed in any business that we find
convenient. Take them at this present ferment of the mind, let them not
think, but at once set them to work." In short, the whole nation went
heartily to the business, to build an edifice such as was never seen in any
other country. I took care to supply them with their favourite kava and
fudge, and they worked like horses. The tower of Babylon, which, according
to Hermogastricus, was seven miles high, or the Chinese wall, was a mere
trifle, in comparison to this stupendous edifice, which was completed in a
very short space of time.
It was of an immense height, far beyond anything that ever had been
before erected, and of such gentle ascent, that a regiment of cavalry with a
train of cannon could ascend with perfect ease and facility. It seemed like
a rainbow in the heavens, the base of which appeared to rise in the centre
of Africa, and the other extremity seemed to stoop into great Britain. A
most noble bridge indeed, and a piece of masonry that has outdone Sir
Christopher Wren. Wonderful must it have been to form so tremendous an arch,
especially as the artists had certain difficulties to labour against which
they could not have in the formation of any other arch in the world—I mean,
the attraction of the moon and planets: Because the arch was of so great a
height, and in some parts so elongated from the earth, as in a great measure
to diminish in its gravitation to the centre of our globe; or rather, seemed
more easily operated upon by the attraction of the planets: So that the
stones of the arch, one would think, at certain times, were ready to fall
up to the moon, and at other times to fall down to the earth. But as the
former was more to be dreaded, I secured stability to the fabric by a very
curious contrivance: I ordered the architects to get the heads of some
hundred numbskulls and blockheads, and fix them to the interior surface of
the arch, at certain intervals, all the whole length, by which means the
arch was held together firm, and its inclination to the earth eternally
established; because of all the things in the world, the skulls of these
kind of animals have a strange facility of tending to the centre of the
earth.
The building being completed, I caused an inscription to be engraved in
the most magnificent style upon the summit of the arch, in letters so great
and luminous, that all vessels sailing to the East or West Indies might read
them distinct in the heavens, like the motto of Constantine.
KARDOL BAGARLAN KAI TON FARINGO SARGAI RA
MO PASHROL VATINEAC CAL COLNITOS RO
NA FILNAT
AGASTRA SA DINGANNAL FANO.
That is to say, "As long as this arch and bond of union shall exist, so
long shall the people be happy. Nor can all the power of the world affect
them, unless the moon, advancing from her usual sphere, should so much
attract the skulls as to cause a sudden elevation, on which the whole will
fall into the most horrible confusion."
An easy intercourse being thus established between Great Britain and the
centre of Africa, numbers travelled continually to and from both countries,
and at my request mail coaches were ordered to run on the bridge between
both empires. After some time, having settled the government to my
satisfaction, I requested permission to resign, as a great cabal had been
excited against me in England; I therefore received my letters of recall,
and prepared to return to Old England.
In fine, I set out upon my journey, covered with applause and general
admiration. I proceeded with the same retinue that I had before—Sphinx, Gog
and Magog, &c., and advanced along the bridge, lined on each side with rows
of trees, adorned with festoons of various flowers, and illuminated with
coloured lights. We advanced at a great rate along the bridge, which was so
very extensive that we could scarcely perceive the ascent, but proceeded
insensibly until we arrived on the centre of the arch. The view from thence
was glorious beyond conception; 'twas divine to look down on the kingdoms
and seas and islands under us. Africa seemed in general of a tawny brownish
colour, burned up by the sun: Spain seemed more inclining to a yellow, on
account of some fields of corn scattered over the kingdom; France appeared
more inclining to a bright straw-colour, intermixed with green; and England
appeared covered with the most beautiful verdure. I admired the appearance
of the Baltic Sea, which evidently seemed to have been introduced between
those countries by the sudden splitting of the land, and that originally
Sweden was united to the western coast of Denmark; in short, the whole
interstice of the Gulf of Finland had no being, until these countries, by
mutual consent, separated from one another. Such were my philosophical
meditations as I advanced, when I observed a man in armour with a tremendous
spear or lance, and mounted upon a steed, advancing against me. I soon
discovered by a telescope that it could be no other than Don Quixote, and
promised myself much amusement in the rencounter.
CHAPTER XXIX
The Baron's retinue is opposed in a heroic style by Don Quixote, who
in his turn is attacked by Gog and Magog—Lord Whittington, with the Lord
Mayor's show, comes to the assistance of Don Quixote—Gog and Magog assail
his Lordship—Lord Whittington makes a speech, and deludes Gog and Magog to
his party—A general scene of uproar and battle among the company, until the
Baron, with great presence of mind, appeases the tumult.
"What art thou?" exclaimed Don Quixote on his potent steed. "Who art
thou? Speak! or, by the eternal vengeance of mine arm, thy whole machinery
shall perish at sound of this my trumpet!"
Astonished at so rude a salutation, the great Sphinx stopped short, and
bridling up herself, drew in her head, like a snail when it touches
something that it does not like: the bulls set up a horrid bellowing, the
crickets sounded an alarm, and Gog and Magog advanced before the rest. One
of these powerful brothers had in his hand a great pole, to the extremity of
which was fastened a cord of about two feet in length, and to the end of the
cord was fastened a ball of iron, with spikes shooting from it like the rays
of a star; with this weapon he prepared to encounter, and advancing thus he
spoke:—
"Audacious wight! that thus, in complete steel arrayed, doth dare to
venture cross my way, to stop the great Munchausen. Know then, proud knight,
that thou shalt instant perish 'neath my potent arm."
When Quixote, Mancha's knight, responded firm:—
"Gigantic monster! leader of witches, crickets, and chimeras dire! know
thou, that here before yon azure heaven the cause of truth, of valour, and
of faith right pure shall ordeal counter try it!"
Thus he spoke, and brandishing his mighty spear, would instant prodigies
sublime perform, had not some wight placed 'neath the tail of dark Rosinante
furze all thorny base; at which, quadrupedanting, plunged the steed, and
instant on the earth the knight roared credo for his life.
At that same moment ten thousand frogs started from the morions of Gog
and Magog, and furiously assailed the knight on every side. In vain he
roared, and invoked fair Dulcinea del Toboso: for frogs' wild croaking
seemed more loud, more sonorous than all his invocations. And thus in battle
vile the knight was overcome, and spawn all swarmed upon his glittering
helmet.
"Detested miscreants!" roared the knight; "avaunt! Enchanters dire and
goblins could alone this arduous task perform; to rout the knight of Mancha,
foul defeat, and war, even such as ne'er was known before. Then hear, O del
Toboso! hear my vows, that thus in anguish of my soul I urge, midst frogs,
Gridalbin, Hecaton, Kai, Talon, and the Rove! [for such the names and
definitions of their qualities, their separate powers.] For Merlin plumed
their airy flight, and then in watery moonbeam dyed his rod eccentric. At
the touch ten thousand frogs, strange metamorphosed, croaked even thus: And
here they come, on high behest, to vilify the knight that erst defended
famed virginity, and matrons all bewronged, and pilgrims hoar, and courteous
guise of all! But the age of chivalry is gone, and the glory of Europe is
extinguished for ever?"
He spake, and sudden good Lord Whittington, at head of all his
raree-show, came forth, armour antique of chivalry, and helmets old, and
troops, all streamers, flags and banners glittering gay, red, gold, and
purple; and in every hand a square of gingerbread, all gilded nice, was
brandished awful. At a word, ten thousand thousand Naples biscuits,
crackers, buns, and flannel-cakes, and hats of gingerbread encountered in
mid air in glorious exaltation, like some huge storm of mill-stones, or when
it rains whole clouds of dogs and cats.
The frogs, astonished, thunderstruck, forgot their notes and music, that
before had seemed so terrible, and drowned the cries of knight renown, and
mute in wonder heard the words of Whittington, pronouncing solemn:—"Goblins,
chimeras dire, or frogs, or whatsoe'er enchantment thus presents in antique
shape, attend and hear the words of peace; and thou, good herald, read aloud
the Riot Act!"
He ceased, and dismal was the tone that softly breathed from all the
frogs in chorus, who quick had petrified with fright, unless redoubted Gog
and Magog, both with poles, high topped with airy bladders by a string
dependent, had not stormed against his lordship. Ever and anon the bladders,
loud resounding on his chaps, proclaimed their fury against all potent law,
coercive mayoralty; when he, submissive, thus in cunning guile addressed the
knights assailant:—"Gog, Magog, renowned and famous! what, my sons, shall
you assail your father, friend, and chief confessed? Shall you, thus armed
with bladders vile, attack my title, eminence, and pomp sublime? Subside,
vile discord, and again return to your true 'legiance. Think, my friends,
how oft your gorgeous pouch I've crammed, all calapash, green fat, and
calapee. Remember how you've feasted, stood inert for ages, until size
immense you've gained. And think, how different is the service of
Munchausen, where you o'er seas, cold, briny, float along the tide, eternal
toiling like to slaves of Algiers and Tripoli. And ev'n on high, balloon
like, through the heavens have journeyed late, upon a rainbow or some awful
bridge stretched eminent, as if on earth he had not work sufficient to
distress your potent servitudes, but he should also seek in heaven dire
cause of labour! Recollect, my friends, even why or wherefore should you
thus assail your lawful magistrate, or why desert his livery? or for what or
wherefore serve this German Lord Munchausen, who for all your labour shall
alone bestow some fudge and heroic blows in war? Then cease, and thus in
amity return to friendship aldermanic, bungy, brown, and sober."
Ceased he then, right worshipful, when both the warring champions instant
stemmed their battle, and in sign of peace and unity returning, 'neath their
feet reclined their weapons. Sudden at a signal either stamped his foot
sinistrine, and the loud report of bursten bladder stunned each ear
surrounding, like the roar of thunder from on high convulsing heaven and
earth.
'Twas now upon the saddle once again the knight of Mancha rose, and in
his hand far balancing his lance, full tilt against the troops of bulls
opposing run. And thou, shrill Crillitrilkril, than whom no cricket e'er on
hob of rural cottage, or chimney black, more gladsome turned his merry note,
e'en thou didst perish, shrieking gave the ghost in empty air, the sport of
every wind; for e'en that heart so jocund and so gay was pierced, harsh
spitted by the lance of Mancha, while undaunted thou didst sit between the
horns that crowned Mowmowsky. And now Whittington advanced, 'midst armour
antique and the powers Magog and Gog, and with his rod enchanting touched
the head of every frog, long mute and thunderstruck, at which, in universal
chorus and salute, they sung blithe jocund, and amain advanced rebellious
'gainst my troop.
While Sphinx, though great, gigantic, seemed instinctive base and
cowardly, and at the sight of storming gingerbread, and powers, Magog and
Gog, and Quixote, all against her, started fierce, o'erturning boat,
balloons, and all; loud roared the bulls, hideous, and the crash of wheels,
and chaos of confusion drear, resounded far from earth to heaven. And still
more fierce in charge the great Lord Whittington, from poke of ermine his
famed Grimalkin took. She screamed, and harsh attacked my bulls confounded;
lightning-like she darted, and from half the troop their eyes devouring
tore. Nor could the riders, crickets throned sublime, escape from rage, from
fury less averse than cannons murder o'er the stormy sea. The great
Mowmowsky roared amain and plunged in anguish, shunning every dart of
fire-eyed fierce Grimalkin. Dire the rage of warfare and contending
crickets, Quixote and great Magog; when Whittington advancing—"Good, my
friends and warriors, headlong on the foe bear down impetuous." He spoke,
and waving high the mighty rod, tipped wonderful each bull, at which more
fierce the creatures bellowed, while enchantment drear devoured their
vitals. And all had gone to wreck in more than mortal strife, unless, like
Neptune orient from the stormy deep, I rose, e'en towering o'er the ruins of
my fighting troops. Serene and calm I stood, and gazed around undaunted; nor
did aught oppose against my foes impetuous. But sudden from chariot purses
plentiful of fudge poured forth, and scattered it amain o'er all the crowd
contending. As when old Catherine or the careful Joan doth scatter to the
chickens bits of bread and crumbs fragmented, while rejoiced they gobble
fast the proffered scraps in general plenty and fraternal peace, and "hush,"
she cries, "hush! hush!"
CHAPTER XXX
The Baron arrives in England—the Colossus of Rhodes comes to
congratulate him—Great rejoicings on the Baron's return, and a tremendous
concert—The Baron's discourse with Fragrantia, and her opinion of the Tour
to the Hebrides.
Having arrived in England once more, the greatest rejoicings were made
for my return; the whole city seemed one general blaze of illumination, and
the Colossus of Rhodes, hearing of my astonishing feats, came on purpose to
England to congratulate me on such unparalleled achievements. But above all
other rejoicings on my return, the musical oratorio and song of triumph were
magnificent in the extreme. Gog and Magog were ordered to take the maiden
tower of Windsor, and make a tambourine or great drum of it. For this
purpose they extended an elephant's hide, tanned and prepared for the
design, across the summit of the tower, from parapet to parapet, so that in
proportion this extended elephant's hide was to the whole of the castle what
the parchment is to a drum, in such a manner that the whole became one great
instrument of war.
To correspond with this, Colossus took Guildhall and Westminster Abbey,
and turning the foundations towards the heavens, so that the roofs of the
edifices were upon the ground, he strung them across with brass and steel
wire from side to side, and thus, when strung, they had the appearance of
most noble dulcimers. He then took the great dome of St. Paul's, raising it
off the earth with as much facility as you would a decanter of claret. And
when once risen up it had the appearance of a quart bottle. Colossus
instantly, with his teeth, cracked off the superior part of the cupola, and
then applying his lips to the instrument, began to sound it like a trumpet.
'Twas martial beyond description—tantara!—tara!—ta!
During the concert I walked in the park with Lady Fragrantia: she was
dressed that morning in a chemise à la reine. "I like," said she,
"the dew of the morning, 'tis delicate and ethereal, and, by thus
bespangling me, I think it will more approximate me to the nature of the
rose [for her looks were like Aurora]; and to confirm the vermilion I shall
go to Spa." "And drink the Podhon spring?" added I, gazing at her from top
to toe. "Yes," replied the lovely Fragrantia, "with all my heart; 'tis the
drink of sweetness and delicacy. Never were there any creatures like the
water-drinkers at spa; they seem like so many thirsty blossoms on a
peach-tree, that suck up the shower in the scorching heat. There is a
certain something in the waters that gives vigour to the whole frame, and
expands every heart with rapture and benevolence. They drink! good gods! how
they do drink! and then, how they sleep! Pray, my dear Baron, were you ever
at the falls of Niagara?" "Yes, my lady," replied I, surprised at such a
strange association of ideas; "I have been, many years ago, at the Falls of
Niagara, and found no more difficulty in swimming up and down the cataracts
than I should to move a minuet." At that moment she dropped her nosegay.
"Ah," said she, as I presented it to her, "there is no great variety in
these polyanthuses. I do assure you, my dear Baron, that there is taste in
the selection of flowers as well as everything else, and were I a girl of
sixteen I should wear some rosebuds in my bosom, but at five-and-twenty I
think it would be more apropos to wear a full-blown rose, quite ripe,
and ready to drop off the stalk for want of being pulled—heigh-ho!" "But
pray, my lady," said I, "how do you like the concert?" "Alas!" said she,
languishingly, while she laid her hand upon my shoulder, "what are these
bodiless sounds and vibration to me? and yet what an exquisite sweetness in
the songs of the northern part of our island:—'Thou art gone awa' from
me, Mary!' How pathetic and divine the little airs of Scotland and the
Hebrides! But never, never can I think of that same Doctor Johnson—that
CONSTABLE, as Fergus MacLeod calls him—but I have an idea of a great brown
full-bottomed wig and a hogshead of porter! Oh, 'twas base! to be treated
everywhere with politeness and hospitality, and in return invidiously to
smellfungus them all over; to go to the country of Kate of Aberdeen, of Auld
Robin Gray, 'midst rural innocence and sweetness, take up their plaids, and
dance. Oh! Doctor, Doctor!"
"And what would you say, Fragrantia, if you were to write a tour to the
Hebrides?" "Peace to the heroes," replied she, in a delicate and theatrical
tone; "peace to the heroes who sleep in the isle of Iona; the sons of the
wave, and the chiefs of the dark-brown shield! The tear of the sympathising
stranger is scattered by the wind over the hoary stones as she meditates
sorrowfully on the times of old! Such could I say, sitting upon some
druidical heap or tumulus. The fact is this, there is a right and wrong
handle to everything, and there is more pleasure in thinking with pure
nobility of heart than with the illiberal enmities and sarcasm of a
blackguard."
CHAPTER XXXI
A litigated contention between Don Quixote, Gog, Magog, &c.—A grand
court assembled upon it—The appearance of the company—The matrons, judges,
&c.—The method of writing, and the use of the fashionable amusement
quizzes—Wauwau arrives from the country of Prester John, and leads the whole
Assembly a wild-goose chase to the top of Plinlimmon, and thence to
Virginia—The Baron meets a floating island in his voyage to America—Pursues
Wauwau with his whole company through the deserts of North America—His
curious contrivance to seize Wauwau in a morass.
The contention between Gog and Magog, and Sphinx, Hilaro Frosticos, the
Lord Whittington, &c., was productive of infinite litigation. All the
lawyers in the kingdom were employed, to render the affair as complex and
gloriously uncertain as possible; and, in fine, the whole nation became
interested, and were divided on both sides of the question. Colossus took
the part of Sphinx, and the affair was at length submitted to the decision
of a grand council in a great hall, adorned with seats on every side in form
of an amphitheatre. The assembly appeared the most magnificent and splendid
in the world. A court or jury of one hundred matrons occupied the principal
and most honourable part of the amphitheatre; they were dressed in flowing
robes of sky-blue velvet adorned with festoons of brilliants and diamond
stars; grave and sedate-looking matrons, all in uniform, with spectacles
upon their noses; and opposite to these were placed one hundred judges, with
curly white wigs flowing down on each side of them to their very feet, so
that Solomon in all his glory was not so wise in appearance. At the ardent
request of the whole empire I condescended to be the president of the court,
and being arrayed accordingly, I took my seat beneath a canopy erected in
the centre. Before every judge was placed a square inkstand, containing a
gallon of ink, and pens of a proportionable size; and also right before him
an enormous folio, so large as to serve for table and book at the same time.
But they did not make much use of their pens and ink, except to blot and
daub the paper; for, that they should be the more impartial, I had ordered
that none but the blind should be honoured with the employment: so that when
they attempted to write anything, they uniformly dipped their pens into the
machine containing sand, and having scrawled over a page as they thought,
desiring them to dry it with sand, would spill half a gallon of ink upon the
paper, and thereby daubing their fingers, would transfer the ink to their
face whenever thy leaned their cheek upon their hand for greater gravity. As
to the matrons, to prevent an eternal prattle that would drown all manner of
intelligibility, I found it absolutely necessary to sew up their mouths; so
that between the blind judges and the dumb matrons methought the trial had a
chance of being terminated sooner than it otherwise would. The matrons,
instead of their tongues, had other instruments to convey their ideas: each
of them had three quizzes, one quiz pendent from the string that sewed up
her mouth, and another quiz in either hand. When she wished to express her
negative, she darted and recoiled the quizzes in her right and left hand;
and when she desired to express her affirmative, she, nodding, made the quiz
pendent from her mouth flow down and recoil again. The trial proceeded in
this manner for a long time, to the admiration of the whole empire, when at
length I thought proper to send to my old friend and ally, Prester John,
entreating him to forward to me one of the species of wild and curious birds
found in his kingdom, called a Wauwau. This creature was brought over the
great bridge before mentioned, from the interior of Africa, by a balloon.
The balloon was placed upon the bridge, extending over the parapets on each
side, with great wings or oars to assist its velocity, and under the balloon
was placed pendant a kind of boat, in which were the persons to manage the
steerage of the machine, and protect Wauwau. This oracular bird, arriving in
England, instantly darted through one of the windows of the great hall, and
perched upon the canopy in the centre to the admiration of all present. Her
cackling appeared quite prophetic and oracular; and the first question
proposed to her by the unanimous consent of the matrons and judges was,
Whether or not the moon was composed of green cheese? The solution of this
question was deemed absolutely necessary before they could proceed farther
on the trial.
Wauwau seemed in figure not very much differing from a swan, except that
the neck was not near so long, and she stood after an admirable fashion like
to Vestris. She began cackling most sonorously, and the whole assembly
agreed that it was absolutely necessary to catch her, and having her in
their immediate possession, nothing more would be requisite for the
termination of this litigated affair. For this purpose the whole house rose
up to catch her, and approached in tumult, the judges brandishing their
pens, and shaking their big wigs, and the matrons quizzing as much as
possible in every direction, which very much startled Wauwau, who, clapping
her wings, instantly flew out of the hall. The assembly began to proceed
after her in order and style of precedence, together with my whole train of
Gog and Magog, Sphinx, Hilaro Frosticos, Queen Mab's chariot, the bulls and
crickets, &c., preceded by bands of music; while Wauwau, descending on the
earth, ran on like an ostrich before the troop, cackling all the way.
Thinking suddenly to catch this ferocious animal, the judges and matrons
would suddenly quicken their pace, but the creature would as quickly outrun
them, or sometimes fly away for many miles together, and then alight to take
breath until we came within sight of her again. Our train journeyed over a
most prodigious tract of country in a direct line, over hills and dales, to
the summit of Plinlimmon, where we thought to have seized Wauwau; but she
instantly took flight, and never ceased until she arrived at the mouth of
the Potomac river in Virginia.
Our company immediately embarked in the machines before described, in
which we had journeyed into Africa, and after a few days' sail arrived in
North America. We met with nothing curious on our voyage, except a floating
island, containing some very delightful villages, inhabited by a few whites
and negroes; the sugar cane did not thrive there well, on account, as I was
informed, of the variety of the climates; the island being sometimes driven
up as far as the north pole, and at other times wafted under the
equinoctial. In pity to the poor islanders, I got a huge stake of iron, and
driving it through the centre of the island, fastened it to the rocks and
mud at the bottom of the sea, since which time the island has become
stationary, and is well known at present by the name of St. Christopher's,
and there is not an island in the world more secure.
Arriving in North America, we were received by the President of the
United States with every honour and politeness. He was pleased to give us
all the information possible relative to the woods and immense regions of
America, and ordered troops of the different tribes of the Esquimaux to
guide us through the forests in pursuit of Wauwau, who, we at length found,
had taken refuge in the centre of a morass. The inhabitants of the country,
who loved hunting, were much delighted to behold the manner in which we
attempted to seize upon Wauwau; the chase was noble and uncommon. I
determined to surround the animal on every side, and for this purpose
ordered the judges and matrons to surround the morass with nets extending a
mile in height, on various parts of which net the company disposed
themselves, floating in the air like so many spiders upon their cobwebs.
Magog, at my command, put on a kind of armour that he had carried with him
for the purpose, corselet of steel, with gauntlets, helmet, &c., so as
nearly to resemble a mole. He instantly plunged into the earth, making way
with his sharp steel head-piece, and tearing up the ground with his iron
claws, and found not much difficulty therein, as morass in general is of a
soft and yielding texture. Thus he hoped to undermine Wauwau, and suddenly
rising, seize her by the foot, while his brother Gog ascended the air in a
balloon, hoping to catch her if she could escape Magog. Thus the animal was
surrounded on every side, and at first was very much terrified, knowing not
which way she had best to go. At length hearing an obscure noise under
ground, Wauwau took flight before Magog could have time to catch her by the
foot. She flew to the right, then to the left, north, east, west, and south,
but found on every side the company prepared upon their nets. At length she
flew right up, soaring at a most astonishing rate towards the sun, while the
company on every side set up one general acclamation. But Gog in his balloon
soon stopped Wauwau in the midst of her career, and snared her in a net, the
cords of which he continued to hold in his hand. Wauwau did not totally lose
her presence of mind, but after a little consideration, made several violent
darts against the volume of the balloon; so fierce, as at length to tear
open a great space, on which the inflammable air rushing out, the whole
apparatus began to tumble to the earth with amazing rapidity. Gog himself
was thrown out of the vehicle, and letting go the reins of the net, Wauwau
got liberty again, and flew out of sight in an instant.
Gog had been above a mile elevated from the earth when he began to fall,
and as he advanced the rapidity increased, so that he went like a ball from
a cannon into the morass, and his nose striking against one of the
iron-capped hands of his brother Magog, just then rising from the depths, he
began to bleed violently, and, but for the softness of the morass, would
have lost his life.
CHAPTER XXXII
The Baron harangues the company, and they continue the pursuit—The
Baron, wandering from his retinue, is taken by the savages, scalped, and
tied to a stake to be roasted; but he contrives to extricate himself, and
kills the savages—The Baron travels overland through the forests of North
America, to the confines of Russia—Arrives at the castle of the Nareskin
Rowskimowmowsky, and gallops into the kingdom of Loggerheads—A battle, in
which the Baron fights the Nareskin in single combat, and generously gives
him his life—Arrives at the Friendly Islands, and discourses with Omai—The
Baron, with all his attendants, goes from Otaheite to the isthmus of Darien,
and having cut a canal across the isthmus, returns to England.
"My friends, and very learned and profound Judiciarii," said I, "be not
disheartened that Wauwau has escaped from you at present: persevere, and we
shall yet succeed. You should never despair, Munchausen being your general;
and therefore be brave, be courageous, and fortune shall second your
endeavours. Let us advance undaunted in pursuit, and follow the fierce
Wauwau even three times round the globe, until we entrap her."
My words filled them with confidence and valour, and they unanimously
agreed to continue the chase. We penetrated the frightful deserts and gloomy
woods of America, beyond the source of the Ohio, through countries utterly
unknown before. I frequently took the diversion of shooting in the woods,
and one day that I happened with three attendants to wander far from our
troop, we were suddenly set upon by a number of savages. As we had expended
our powder and shot, and happened to have no side-arms, it was in vain to
make any resistance against hundreds of enemies. In short, they bound us,
and made us walk before them to a gloomy cavern in a rock, where they
feasted upon what game they had killed, but which not being sufficient, they
took my three unfortunate companions and myself, and scalped us. The pain of
losing the flesh from my head was most horrible; it made me leap in agonies,
and roar like a bull. They then tied us to stakes, and making great fires
around us, began to dance in a circle, singing with much distortion and
barbarity, and at times putting the palms of their hands to their mouths,
set up the war-whoop. As they had on that day also made a great prize of
some wine and spirits belonging to our troop, these barbarians, finding it
delicious, and unconscious of its intoxicating quality, began to drink it in
profusion, while they beheld us roasting, and in a very short time they were
all completely drunk, and fell asleep around the fires. Perceiving some
hopes, I used most astonishing efforts to extricate myself from the cords
which I was tied, and at length succeeded. I immediately unbound my
companions, and though half roasted, they still had power enough to walk. We
sought about for the flesh that had been taken off our heads, and having
found the scalps, we immediately adapted them to our bloody heads, sticking
them on with a kind of glue of a sovereign quality, that flows from a tree
in that country, and the parts united and healed in a few hours. We took
care to revenge ourselves on the savages, and with their own hatchets put
every one of them to death. We then returned to our troop, who had given us
up for lost, and they made great rejoicings on our return. We now proceeded
in our journey through this prodigious wilderness, Gog and Magog acting as
pioneers, hewing down the trees, &c., at a great rate as we advanced. We
passed over numberless swamps and lakes and rivers, until at length we
discovered a habitation at some distance. It appeared a dark and gloomy
castle, surrounded with strong ramparts, and a broad ditch. We called a
council of war, and it was determined to send a deputation with a trumpet to
the walls of the castle, and demand friendship from the governor, whoever he
might be, and an account if aught he knew of Wauwau. For this purpose our
whole caravan halted in the wood, and Gog and Magog reclined amongst the
trees, that their enormous strength and size should not be discovered, and
give umbrage to the lord of the castle. Our embassy approached the castle,
and having demanded admittance for some time, at length the drawbridge was
let down, and they were suffered to enter. As soon as they had passed the
gate it was immediately closed after them, and on either side they perceived
ranks of halberdiers, who made them tremble with fear. "We come," the herald
proclaimed, "on the part of Hilaro Frosticos, Don Quixote, Lord Whittington,
and the thrice-renowned Baron Munchausen, to claim friendship from the
governor of this puissant castle, and to seek Wauwau." "The most noble the
governor," replied the officer, "is at all times happy to entertain such
travellers as pass through these immense deserts, and will esteem it an
honour that the great Hilaro Frosticos, Don Quixote, Lord Whittington, and
the thrice-renowned Baron Munchausen, enter his castle walls."
In short, we entered the castle. The governor sat with all our company to
table, surrounded by his friends, of a very fierce and warlike appearance.
They spoke but little, and seemed very austere and reserved, until the first
course was served up. The dishes were brought in by a number of bears
walking on their hind-legs, and on every dish was a fricassee of pistols,
pistol-bullets, sauce of gunpowder, and aqua-vitæ. This entertainment seemed
rather indigestible by even an ostrich's stomach, when the governor
addressed us, and informed me that it was ever his custom to strangers to
offer them for the first course a service similar to that before us; and if
they were inclined to accept the invitation, he would fight them as much as
they pleased, but if they could not relish the pistol-bullets, &c., he would
conclude them peaceable, and try what better politeness he could show them
in his castle. In short, the first course being removed untouched, we dined,
and after dinner the governor forced the company to push the bottle about
with alacrity and to excess. He informed us that he was the Nareskin
Rowskimowmowsky, who had retired amidst these wilds, disgusted with the
court of Petersburgh. I was rejoiced to meet him; I recollected my old
friend, whom I had known at the court of Russia, when I rejected the hand of
the Empress. The Nareskin, with all his knights-companions, drank to an
astonishing degree, and we all set off upon hobby horses in full cry out of
the castle. Never was there seen such a cavalcade before. In front galloped
a hundred knights belonging to the castle, with hunting horns and a pack of
excellent dogs; and then came the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky, Gog and Magog,
Hilaro Frosticos, and your humble servant, hallooing and shouting like so
many demoniacs, and spurring our hobby horses at an infernal rate until we
arrived in the kingdom of Loggerheads. The kingdom of Loggerheads was wilder
than any part of Siberia, and the Nareskin had here built a romantic
summer-house in a Gothic taste, to which he would frequently retire with his
company after dinner. The Nareskin had a dozen bears of enormous stature
that danced for our amusement, and their chiefs performed the minuet de
la cour to admiration. And here the most noble Hilaro Frosticos thought
proper to ask the Nareskin some intelligence about Wauwau, in quest of whom
we had travelled over such a tract of country, and encountered so many
dangerous adventures, and also invited the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky to
attend us with all his bears in the expedition. The Nareskin appeared
astonished at the idea; he looked with infinite hauteur and ferocity on
Hilaro, and affecting a violent passion asked him, "Did he imagine that the
Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky could condescend to take notice of a Wauwau, let
her fly what way she would! Or did he think a chief possessing such blood in
his veins could engage in such a foreign pursuit? By the blood and by the
ashes of my great grandmother, I would cut off your head!"
Hilaro Frosticos resented this oration, and in short a general riot
commenced. The bears, together with the hundred knights, took the part of
the Nareskin, and Gog and Magog, Don Quixote, the Sphinx, Lord Whittington,
the bulls, the crickets, the judges, the matrons, and Hilaro Frosticos, made
noble warfare against them.
I drew my sword, and challenged the Nareskin to single combat. He
frowned, while his eyes sparkled fire and indignation, and bracing a buckler
on his left arm, he advanced against me. I made a blow at him with all my
force, which he received upon his buckler, and my sword broke short.
Ungenerous Nareskin; seeing me disarmed, he still pushed forward, dealing
his blows upon me with the utmost violence, which I parried with my shield
and the hilt of my broken sword, and fought like a game-cock.
An enormous bear at the same time attacked me, but I ran my hand still
retaining the hilt of my broken sword down his throat, and tore up his
tongue by the roots. I then seized his carcase by the hind-legs, and
whirling it over my head, gave the Nareskin such a blow with his own bear as
evidently stunned him. I repeated my blows, knocking the bear's head against
the Nareskin's head, until, by one happy blow, I got his head into the
bear's jaws, and the creature being still somewhat alive and convulsive, the
teeth closed upon him like nutcrackers. I threw the bear from me, but the
Nareskin remained sprawling, unable to extricate his head from the bear's
jaws, imploring for mercy. I gave the wretch his life: a lion preys not upon
carcases.
At the same time my troop had effectually routed the bears and the rest
of their adversaries. I was merciful, and ordered quarter to be given.
At that moment I perceived Wauwau flying at a great height through the
heavens, and we instantly set out in pursuit of her, and never stopped until
we arrived at Kamschatka; thence we passed to Otaheite. I met my old
acquaintance Omai, who had been in England with the great navigator, Cook,
and I was glad to find he had established Sunday schools over all the
islands. I talked to him of Europe, and his former voyage to England. "Ah!"
said he, most emphatically, "the English, the cruel English, to murder me
with goodness, and refine upon my torture—took me to Europe, and showed me
the court of England, the delicacy of exquisite life; they showed me gods,
and showed me heaven, as if on purpose to make me feel the loss of them."
From these islands we set out, attended by a fleet of canoes with
fighting-stages and the chiefest warriors of the islands, commanded by Omai.
Thus the chariot of Queen Mab, my team of bulls and the crickets, the ark,
the Sphinx, and the balloons, with Hilaro Frosticos, Gog and Magog, Lord
Whittington, and the Lord Mayor's show, Don Quixote, &c., with my fleet of
canoes, altogether cut a very formidable appearance on our arrival at the
Isthmus of Darien. Sensible of what general benefit it would be to mankind,
I immediately formed a plan of cutting a canal across the isthmus from sea
to sea.
For this purpose I drove my chariot with the greatest impetuosity
repeatedly from shore to shore, in the same track, tearing up the rocks and
earth thereby, and forming a tolerable bed for the water. Gog and Magog next
advanced at the head of a million of people from the realms of North and
South America, and from Europe, and with infinite labour cleared away the
earth, &c., that I had ploughed up with my chariot. I then again drove my
chariot, making the canal wider and deeper, and ordered Gog and Magog to
repeat their labour as before. The canal being a quarter of a mile broad,
and three hundred yards in depth, I thought it sufficient, and immediately
let in the waters of the sea. I did imagine, that from the rotatory motion
of the earth on its axis from west to east the sea would be higher on the
eastern than the western coast, and that on the uniting of the two seas
there would be a strong current from the east, and it happened just as I
expected. The sea came in with tremendous magnificence, and enlarged the
bounds of the canal, so as to make a passage of some miles broad from ocean
to ocean, and make an island of South America. Several sail of trading
vessels and men-of-war sailed through this new channel to the South Seas,
China, &c., and saluted me with all their cannon as they passed.
I looked through my telescope at the moon, and perceived the philosophers
there in great commotion. They could plainly discern the alteration on the
surface of our globe, and thought themselves somehow interested in the
enterprise of their fellow-mortals in a neighbouring planet. They seemed to
think it admirable that such little beings as we men should attempt so
magnificent a performance, that would be observable even in a separate
world.
Thus having wedded the Atlantic Ocean to the South Sea, I returned to
England, and found Wauwau precisely in the very spot whence she had set out,
after having led us a chase all round the world.
CHAPTER XXXIII
The Baron goes to Petersburgh, and converses with the Empress—
Persuades the Russians and Turks to cease cutting one another's throats, and
in concert cut a canal across the Isthmus of Suez—The Baron discovers the
Alexandrine Library, and meets with Hermes Trismegistus—Besieges
Seringapatam, and challenges Tippoo Sahib to single combat—They fight—The
Baron receives some wounds to his face, but at last vanquishes the
tyrant—The Baron returns to Europe, and raises the hull of the "Royal
George."
Seized with a fury of canal-cutting, I took it in my head to form an
immediate communication between the Mediterranean and the Red Sea, and
therefore set out for Petersburgh.
The sanguinary ambition of the Empress would not listen to my proposals,
until I took a private opportunity, taking a cup of coffee with her Majesty,
to tell her that I would absolutely sacrifice myself for the general good of
mankind, and if she would accede to my proposals, would, on the completion
of the canal, ipso facto, give her my hand in marriage!
"My dear, dear Baron," said she, "I accede to everything you please, and
agree to make peace with the Porte on the conditions you mention. And,"
added she, rising with all the majesty of the Czarina, Empress of half the
world, "be it known to all subjects, that We ordain these conditions, for
such is our royal will and pleasure."
I now proceeded to the Isthmus of Suez, at the head of a million of
Russian pioneers, and there united my forces with a million of Turks, armed
with shovels and pickaxes. They did not come to cut each other's throats,
but for their mutual interest, to facilitate commerce and civilisation, and
pour all the wealth of India by a new channel into Europe. "My brave
fellows," said I, "consider the immense labour of the Chinese to build their
celebrated wall; think of what superior benefit to mankind is our present
undertaking; persevere, and fortune will second your endeavours. Remember it
is Munchausen who leads you on, and be convinced of success."
Saying these words, I drove my chariot with all my might in my former
track, that vestige mentioned by the Baron de Tott, and when I was advanced
considerably, I felt my chariot sinking under me. I attempted to drive on,
but the ground, or rather immense vault, giving way, my chariot and all went
down precipitately. Stunned by the fall, it was some moments before I could
recollect myself, when at length, to my amazement, I perceived myself fallen
into the Alexandrine Library, overwhelmed in an ocean of books; thousands of
volumes came tumbling on my head amidst the ruins of that part of the vault
through which my chariot had descended, and for a time buried my bulls and
all beneath a heap of learning. However, I contrived to extricate myself,
and advanced with awful admiration through the vast avenues of the library.
I perceived on every side innumerable volumes and repositories of ancient
learning, and all the science of the Antediluvian world. Here I met with
Hermes Trismegistus, and a parcel of old philosophers debating upon the
politics and learning of their days. I gave them inexpressible delight in
telling them, in a few words, all the discoveries of Newton, and the history
of the world since their time. These gentry, on the contrary, told me a
thousand stories of antiquity that some of our antiquarians would give their
very eyes to hear.
In short, I ordered the library to be preserved, and I intend making a
present of it, as soon as it arrives in England, to the Royal Society,
together with Hermes Trismegistus, and half a dozen old philosophers. I have
got a beautiful cage made, in which I keep these extraordinary creatures,
and feed them with bread and honey, as they seem to believe in a kind of
doctrine of transmigration, and will not touch flesh. Hermes Trismegistus
especially is a most antique looking being, with a beard half a yard long,
covered with a robe of golden embroidery, and prates like a parrot. He will
cut a very brilliant figure in the Museum.
Having made a track with my chariot from sea to sea, I ordered my Turks
and Russians to begin, and in a few hours we had the pleasure of seeing a
fleet of British East Indiamen in full sail through the canal. The officers
of this fleet were very polite, and paid me every applause and
congratulation my exploits could merit. They told me of their affairs in
India, and the ferocity of that dreadful warrior, Tippoo Sahib, on which I
resolved to go to India and encounter the tyrant. I travelled down the Red
Sea to Madras, and at the head of a few Sepoys and Europeans pursued the
flying army of Tippoo to the gates of Seringapatam. I challenged him to
mortal combat, and, mounted on my steed, rode up to the walls of the
fortress amidst a storm of shells and cannon-balls. As fast as the bombs and
cannon-balls came upon me, I caught them in my hands like so many pebbles,
and throwing them against the fortress, demolished the strongest ramparts of
the place. I took my mark so direct, that whenever I aimed a cannon-ball or
a shell at any person on the ramparts I was sure to hit him: and one time
perceiving a tremendous piece of artillery pointed against me, and knowing
the ball must be so great it would certainly stun me, I took a small
cannon-ball, and just as I perceived the engineer going to order them to
fire, and opening his mouth to give the word of command, I took aim and
drove my ball precisely down his throat.
Tippoo, fearing that all would be lost, that a general and successful
storm would ensue if I continued to batter the place, came forth upon his
elephant to fight me; I saluted him, and insisted he should fire first.
Tippoo, though a barbarian, was not deficient in politeness, and declined
the compliment; upon which I took off my hat, and bowing, told him it was an
advantage Munchausen should never be said to accept from so gallant a
warrior: on which Tippoo instantly discharged his carbine, the ball from
which, hitting my horse's ear, made him plunge with rage and indignation. In
return I discharged my pistol at Tippoo, and shot off his turban. He had a
small field-piece mounted with him on his elephant, which he then discharged
at me, and the grape-shot coming in a shower, rattled in the laurels that
covered and shaded me all over, and remained pendant like berries on the
branches. I then, advancing, took the proboscis of his elephant, and turning
it against the rider, struck him repeatedly with the extremity of it on
either side of the head, until I at length dismounted him. Nothing could
equal the rage of the barbarian finding himself thrown from his elephant. He
rose in a fit of despair, and rushed against my steed and myself: but I
scorned to fight him at so great a disadvantage on his side, and directly
dismounted to fight him hand to hand. Never did I fight with any man who
bore himself more nobly than this adversary; he parried my blows, and dealt
home his own in return with astonishing precision. The first blow of his
sabre I received upon the bridge of my nose, and but for the bony firmness
of that part of my face, it would have descended to my mouth. I still bear
the mark upon my nose.
He next made a furious blow at my head, but I, parrying, deadened the
force of his sabre, so that I received but one scar on my forehead, and at
the same instant, by a blow of my sword, cut off his arm, and his hand and
sabre fell to the earth; he tottered for some paces, and dropped at the foot
of his elephant. That sagacious animal, seeing the danger of his master,
endeavoured to protect him by flourishing his proboscis round the head of
the Sultan.
Fearless I advanced against the elephant, desirous to take alive the
haughty Tippoo Sahib; but he drew a pistol from his belt, and discharged it
full in my face as I rushed upon him, which did me no further harm than
wound my cheek-bone, which disfigures me somewhat under my left eye. I could
not withstand the rage and impulse of that moment, and with one blow of my
sword separated his head from his body.
I returned overland from India to Europe with admirable velocity, so that
the account of Tippoo's defeat by me has not as yet arrived by the ordinary
passage, nor can you expect to hear of it for a considerable time. I simply
relate the encounter as it happened between the Sultan and me; and if there
be any one who doubts the truth of what I say, he is an infidel, and I will
fight him at any time and place, and with any weapon he pleases.
Hearing so many persons talk about raising the "Royal George," I began to
take pity on that fine old ruin of British plank, and determined to have her
up. I was sensible of the failure of the various means hitherto employed for
the purpose, and therefore inclined to try a method different from any
before attempted. I got an immense balloon, made of the toughest sail-cloth,
and having descended in my diving-bell, and properly secured the hull with
enormous cables, I ascended to the surface, and fastened my cables to the
balloon. Prodigious multitudes were assembled to behold the elevation of the
"Royal George," and as soon as I began to fill my balloon with inflammable
air the vessel evidently began to move: but when my balloon was completely
filled, she carried up the "Royal George" with the greatest rapidity. The
vessel appearing on the surface occasioned a universal shout of triumph from
the millions assembled on the occasion. Still the balloon continued
ascending, trailing the hull after like a lantern at the tail of a kite, and
in a few minutes appeared floating among the clouds.
It was then the opinion of many philosophers that it would be more
difficult to get her down then it had been to draw her up. But I convinced
them to the contrary by taking my aim so exactly with a twelve-pounder, that
I brought her down in an instant.
I considered, that if I should break the balloon with a cannon-ball while
she remained with the vessel over the land, the fall would inevitable
occasion the destruction of the hull, and which, in its fall, might crush
some of the multitude; therefore I thought it safer to take my aim when the
balloon was over the sea, and pointing my twelve-pounder, drove the ball
right through the balloon, on which the inflammable air rushed out with
great force, and the "Royal George" descended like a falling star into the
very spot from whence she had been taken. There she still remains, and I
have convinced all Europe of the possibility of taking her up.
A portrait of Baron Karl Münchhausen
ca. 1740 as a Cuirassier in Riga.
CHAPTER XXXIV
The Baron makes a speech to the National Assembly, and drives out all
the members—Routs the fishwomen and the National Guards—Pursues the whole
rout into a Church, where he defeats the National Assembly, &c., with
Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub at their head, and liberates Marie
Antoinette and the Royal Family.
Passing through Switzerland on my return from India, I was informed that
several of the German nobility had been deprived of the honours and
immunities of their French estates. I heard of the sufferings of the amiable
Marie Antoinette, and swore to avenge every look that had threatened her
with insult. I went to the cavern of these Anthropophagi, assembled to
debate, and gracefully putting the hilt of my sword to my lips—"I swear,"
cried I, "by the sacred cross of my sword, that if you do not instantly
reinstate your king and his nobility, and your injured queen, I will cut the
one half of you to pieces."
On which the President, taking up a leaden inkstand, flung it at my head.
I stooped to avoid the blow, and rushing to the tribunal seized the Speaker,
who was fulminating against the Aristocrats, and taking the creature by one
leg, flung him at the President. I laid about me most nobly, drove them all
out of the house, and locking the doors put the key in my pocket.
I then went to the poor king, and making my obeisance to him—"Sire," said
I, "your enemies have all fled. I alone am the National Assembly at present,
and I shall register your edicts to recall the princes and the nobility; and
in future, if your majesty pleases, I will be your Parliament and Council."
He thanked me, and the amiable Marie Antoinette, smiling, gave me her hand
to kiss.
At that moment I perceived a party of the National Assembly, who had
rallied with the National Guards, and a vast procession of fishwomen,
advancing against me. I deposited their Majesties in a place of safety, and
with my drawn sword advanced against my foes. Three hundred fishwomen, with
bushes dressed with ribbons in their hands, came hallooing and roaring
against me like so many furies. I scorned to defile my sword with their
blood, but seized the first that came up, and making her kneel down I
knighted her with my sword, which so terrified the rest that they all set up
a frightful yell and ran away as fast as they could for fear of being
aristocrated by knighthood.
As to the National Guards and the rest of the Assembly, I soon put them
to flight; and having made prisoners of some of them, compelled them to take
down their national, and put the old royal cockade in its place.
I then pursued the enemy to the top of a hill, where a most noble edifice
dazzled my sight; noble and sacred it was but now converted to the vilest
purposes, their monument de grands hommes, a Christian church that
these Saracens had perverted into abomination. I burst open the doors, and
entered sword in hand. Here I observed all the National Assembly marching
round a great altar erected to Voltaire; there was his statue in triumph,
and the fishwomen with garlands decking it, and singing "Ca ira!" I could
bear the sight no longer; but rushed upon these pagans, and sacrificed them
by dozens on the spot. The members of the Assembly, and the fishwomen,
continued to invoke their great Voltaire, and all their masters in this
monument de grands hommes, imploring them to come down and succour
them against the Aristocrats and the sword of Munchausen. Their cries were
horrible, like the shrieks of witches and enchanters versed in magic and the
black art, while the thunder growled, and storms shook the battlements, and
Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub appeared, three horrible spectres; one all
meagre, mere skin and bone, and cadaverous, seemed death, that hideous
skeleton; it was Voltaire, and in his hand were a lyre and a dagger. On the
other side was Rousseau, with a chalice of sweet poison in his hand, and
between them was their father Beelzebub!
I shuddered at the sight, and with all the enthusiasm of rage, horror,
and piety, rushed in among them. I seized that cursed skeleton Voltaire, and
soon compelled him to renounce all the errors he had advanced; and while he
spoke the words, as if by magic charm, the whole assembly shrieked, and the
pandemonium began to tumble in hideous ruin on their heads.
I returned in triumph to the palace, where the Queen rushed into my arms,
weeping tenderly. "Ah, thou flower of nobility," cried she, "were all the
nobles of France like thee, we should never have been brought to this!"
I bade the lovely creature dry her eyes, and with the King and Dauphin
ascend my carriage, and drive post to Mont-Medi, as not an instant was to be
lost. They took my advice and drove away. I conveyed them within a few miles
of Mont-Medi, when the King, thanking me for my assistance, hoped I would
not trouble myself any farther, as he was then, he presumed, out of danger;
and the Queen also, with tears in her eyes, thanked me on her knees, and
presented the Dauphin for my blessing. In short, I left the King eating a
mutton chop. I advised him not to delay, or he would certainly be taken, and
setting spurs to my horse, wished them a good evening, and returned to
England. If the King remained too long at table, and was taken, it was not
my fault.
