CONTENTS.
Chapter 2.I.—Of the original and antiquity of the great
Pantagruel.
Chapter 2.II.—Of the nativity of the most dread and
redoubted Pantagruel.
Chapter 2.III.—Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was
moved at the decease of his wife Badebec.
Chapter 2.IV.—Of the infancy of Pantagruel.
Chapter 2.V.—Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his
youthful age.
Chapter 2.VI.—How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who
too affectedly did counterfeit the French language.
Chapter 2.VII.—How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the
choice books of the Library of St. Victor.
Chapter 2.VIII.—How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received
letters from his father Gargantua, and the copy of them.
Chapter 2.IX.—How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he
loved all his lifetime.
Chapter 2.X.—How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a
controversy, which was wonderfully obscure and
difficult, that, by reason of his just decree therein,
he was reputed to have a most admirable judgment.
Chapter 2.XI.—How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist
did plead before Pantagruel without and attorney.
Chapter 2.XII.—How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before
Pantagruel.
Chapter 2.XIII.—How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the
difference of the two lords.
Chapter 2.XIV.—How Panurge related the manner how he
escaped out of the hands of the Turks.
Chapter 2.XV.—How Panurge showed a very new way to build
the walls of Paris.
Chapter 2.XVI.—Of the qualities and conditions of
Panurge.
Chapter 2.XVII.—How Panurge gained the pardons, and
married the old women, and of the suit in law which he
had at Paris.
Chapter 2.XVIII.—How a great scholar of England would
have argued against Pantagruel, and was overcome by
Panurge.
Chapter 2.XIX.—How Panurge put to a nonplus the
Englishman that argued by signs.
Chapter 2.XX.—How Thaumast relateth the virtues and
knowledge of Panurge.
Chapter 2.XXI.—How Panurge was in love with a lady of
Paris.
Chapter 2.XXII.—How Panurge served a Parisian lady a
trick that pleased her not very well.
Chapter 2.XXIII.—How Pantagruel departed from Paris,
hearing news that the Dipsodes had invaded the land of
the Amaurots; and the cause wherefore the leagues are so
short in France.
Chapter 2.XXIV.—A letter which a messenger brought to
Pantagruel from a lady of Paris, together with the
exposition of a posy written in a gold ring.
Chapter 2.XXV.—How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and
Epistemon, the gentlemen attendants of Pantagruel,
vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore
horsemen very cunningly.
Chapter 2.XXVI.—How Pantagruel and his company were
weary in eating still salt meats; and how Carpalin went
a-hunting to have some venison.
Chapter 2.XXVII.—How Pantagruel set up one trophy in
memorial of their valour, and Panurge another in
remembrance of the hares. How Pantagruel likewise with
his farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little
women; and how Panurge broke a great staff over two
glasses.
Chapter 2.XXVIII.—How Pantagruel got the victory very
strangely over the Dipsodes and the Giants.
Chapter 2.XXIX.—How Pantagruel discomfited the three
hundred giants armed with free-stone, and Loupgarou
their captain.
Chapter 2.XXX.—How Epistemon, who had his head cut off,
was finely healed by Panurge, and of the news which he
brought from the devils, and of the damned people in
hell.
Chapter 2.XXXI.—How Pantagruel entered into the city of
the Amaurots, and how Panurge married King Anarchus to
an old lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier of
green sauce.
Chapter 2.XXXII.—How Pantagruel with his tongue covered
a whole army, and what the author saw in his mouth.
Chapter 2.XXXIII.—How Pantagruel became sick, and the
manner how he was recovered.
Chapter 2.XXXIV.—The conclusion of this present book,
and the excuse of the author.
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THE SECOND BOOK.
For the Reader.
The Reader here may be pleased to take notice that the copy of
verses by the title of 'Rablophila', premised to the first book of
this translation, being but a kind of mock poem, in imitation of
somewhat lately published (as to any indifferent observer will
easily appear, by the false quantities in the Latin, the abusive
strain of the English, and extravagant subscription to both), and as
such, by a friend of the translator's, at the desire of some frolic
gentlemen of his acquaintance, more for a trial of skill than
prejudicacy to any, composed in his jollity to please their fancies,
was only ordained to be prefixed to a dozen of books, and no more,
thereby to save the labour of transcribing so many as were requisite
for satisfying the curiosity of a company of just that number; and
that, therefore, the charging of the whole impression with it is
merely to be imputed to the negligence of the pressmen, who,
receiving it about the latter end of the night, were so eager before
the next morning to afford complete books, that, as they began, they
went on, without animadverting what was recommended to their
discretion. This is hoped will suffice to assure the ingenuous
Reader that in no treatise of the translator's, whether original or
translatitious, shall willingly be offered the meanest rub to the
reputation of any worthy gentleman, and that, however providence
dispose of him, no misfortune shall be able to induce his mind to
any complacency in the disparagement of another.
Again.
The Pentateuch of Rabelais mentioned in the title-page of the
first book of this translation being written originally in the
French tongue (as it comprehendeth some of its brusquest dialects),
with so much ingeniosity and wit, that more impressions have been
sold thereof in that language than of any other book that hath been
set forth at any time within these fifteen hundred years; so
difficult nevertheless to be turned into any other speech that many
prime spirits in most of the nations of Europe, since the year 1573,
which was fourscore years ago, after having attempted it, were
constrained with no small regret to give it over as a thing
impossible to be done, is now in its translation thus far advanced,
and the remainder faithfully undertaken with the same hand to be
rendered into English by a person of quality, who (though his lands
be sequestered, his house garrisoned, his other goods sold, and
himself detained a prisoner of war at London, for his having been at
Worcester fight) hath, at the most earnest entreaty of some of his
especial friends well acquainted with his inclination to the
performance of conducible singularities, promised, besides his
version of these two already published, very speedily to offer up
unto this Isle of Britain the virginity of the translation of the
other three most admirable books of the aforesaid author; provided
that by the plurality of judicious and understanding men it be not
declared he hath already proceeded too far, or that the continuation
of the rigour whereby he is dispossessed of all his both real and
personal estate, by pressing too hard upon him, be not an impediment
thereto, and to other more eminent undertakings of his, as hath been
oftentimes very fully mentioned by the said translator in several
original treatises of his own penning, lately by him so numerously
dispersed that there is scarce any, who being skilful in the English
idiom, or curious of any new ingenious invention, hath not either
read them or heard of them.
Mr. Hugh Salel to Rabelais.
If profit mixed with pleasure may suffice
T' extol an author's worth above the skies,
Thou certainly for both must praised be:
I know it; for thy judgment hath in the
Contexture of this book set down such high
Contentments, mingled with utility,
That (as I think) I see Democritus
Laughing at men as things ridiculous.
Insist in thy design; for, though we prove
Ungrate on earth, thy merit is above.
The Author's Prologue.
Most illustrious and thrice valorous champions, gentlemen and
others, who willingly apply your minds to the entertainment of
pretty conceits and honest harmless knacks of wit; you have not long
ago seen, read, and understood the great and inestimable Chronicle
of the huge and mighty giant Gargantua, and, like upright
faithfullists, have firmly believed all to be true that is contained
in them, and have very often passed your time with them amongst
honourable ladies and gentlewomen, telling them fair long stories,
when you were out of all other talk, for which you are worthy of
great praise and sempiternal memory. And I do heartily wish that
every man would lay aside his own business, meddle no more with his
profession nor trade, and throw all affairs concerning himself
behind his back, to attend this wholly, without distracting or
troubling his mind with anything else, until he have learned them
without book; that if by chance the art of printing should cease, or
in case that in time to come all books should perish, every man
might truly teach them unto his children, and deliver them over to
his successors and survivors from hand to hand as a religious cabal;
for there is in it more profit than a rabble of great pocky
loggerheads are able to discern, who surely understand far less in
these little merriments than the fool Raclet did in the Institutions
of Justinian.
I have known great and mighty lords, and of those not a few, who,
going a-deer-hunting, or a-hawking after wild ducks, when the chase
had not encountered with the blinks that were cast in her way to
retard her course, or that the hawk did but plain and smoothly fly
without moving her wings, perceiving the prey by force of flight to
have gained bounds of her, have been much chafed and vexed, as you
understand well enough; but the comfort unto which they had refuge,
and that they might not take cold, was to relate the inestimable
deeds of the said Gargantua. There are others in the world—these are
no flimflam stories, nor tales of a tub—who, being much troubled
with the toothache, after they had spent their goods upon physicians
without receiving at all any ease of their pain, have found no more
ready remedy than to put the said Chronicles betwixt two pieces of
linen cloth made somewhat hot, and so apply them to the place that
smarteth, sinapizing them with a little powder of projection,
otherwise called doribus.
But what shall I say of those poor men that are plagued with the
pox and the gout? O how often have we seen them, even immediately
after they were anointed and thoroughly greased, till their faces
did glister like the keyhole of a powdering tub, their teeth dance
like the jacks of a pair of little organs or virginals when they are
played upon, and that they foamed from their very throats like a
boar which the mongrel mastiff-hounds have driven in and overthrown
amongst the toils,—what did they then? All their consolation was to
have some page of the said jolly book read unto them. And we have
seen those who have given themselves to a hundred puncheons of old
devils, in case that they did not feel a manifest ease and
assuagement of pain at the hearing of the said book read, even when
they were kept in a purgatory of torment; no more nor less than
women in travail use to find their sorrow abated when the life of
St. Margaret is read unto them. Is this nothing? Find me a book in
any language, in any faculty or science whatsoever, that hath such
virtues, properties, and prerogatives, and I will be content to pay
you a quart of tripes. No, my masters, no; it is peerless,
incomparable, and not to be matched; and this am I resolved for ever
to maintain even unto the fire exclusive. And those that will
pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion, let them be accounted
abusers, predestinators, impostors, and seducers of the people. It
is very true that there are found in some gallant and stately books,
worthy of high estimation, certain occult and hid properties; in the
number of which are reckoned Whippot, Orlando Furioso, Robert the
Devil, Fierabras, William without Fear, Huon of Bordeaux,
Monteville, and Matabrune: but they are not comparable to that which
we speak of, and the world hath well known by infallible experience
the great emolument and utility which it hath received by this
Gargantuine Chronicle, for the printers have sold more of them in
two months' time than there will be bought of Bibles in nine years.
I therefore, your humble slave, being very willing to increase
your solace and recreation yet a little more, do offer you for a
present another book of the same stamp, only that it is a little
more reasonable and worthy of credit than the other was. For think
not, unless you wilfully will err against your knowledge, that I
speak of it as the Jews do of the Law. I was not born under such a
planet, neither did it ever befall me to lie, or affirm a thing for
true that was not. I speak of it like a lusty frolic onocrotary
(Onocratal is a bird not much unlike a swan, which sings like an
ass's braying.), I should say crotenotary (Crotenotaire or notaire
crotte, croquenotaire or notaire croque are but allusions in
derision of protonotaire, which signifieth a pregnotary.) of the
martyrized lovers, and croquenotary of love. Quod vidimus, testamur.
It is of the horrible and dreadful feats and prowesses of
Pantagruel, whose menial servant I have been ever since I was a
page, till this hour that by his leave I am permitted to visit my
cow-country, and to know if any of my kindred there be alive.
And therefore, to make an end of this Prologue, even as I give
myself to a hundred panniersful of fair devils, body and soul,
tripes and guts, in case that I lie so much as one single word in
this whole history; after the like manner, St. Anthony's fire burn
you, Mahoom's disease whirl you, the squinance with a stitch in your
side and the wolf in your stomach truss you, the bloody flux seize
upon you, the cursed sharp inflammations of wild-fire, as slender
and thin as cow's hair strengthened with quicksilver, enter into
your fundament, and, like those of Sodom and Gomorrah, may you fall
into sulphur, fire, and bottomless pits, in case you do not firmly
believe all that I shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle.
THE SECOND BOOK.
Chapter 2.I.—Of the original and antiquity of the great
Pantagruel.
It will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, seeing we are at
leisure, to put you in mind of the fountain and original source
whence is derived unto us the good Pantagruel. For I see that all
good historiographers have thus handled their chronicles, not only
the Arabians, Barbarians, and Latins, but also the gentle Greeks,
who were eternal drinkers. You must therefore remark that at the
beginning of the world—I speak of a long time; it is above forty
quarantains, or forty times forty nights, according to the
supputation of the ancient Druids—a little after that Abel was
killed by his brother Cain, the earth, imbrued with the blood of the
just, was one year so exceeding fertile in all those fruits which it
usually produceth to us, and especially in medlars, that ever since
throughout all ages it hath been called the year of the great
medlars; for three of them did fill a bushel. In it the kalends were
found by the Grecian almanacks. There was that year nothing of the
month of March in the time of Lent, and the middle of August was in
May. In the month of October, as I take it, or at least September,
that I may not err, for I will carefully take heed of that, was the
week so famous in the annals, which they call the week of the three
Thursdays; for it had three of them by means of their irregular
leap-years, called Bissextiles, occasioned by the sun's having
tripped and stumbled a little towards the left hand, like a debtor
afraid of sergeants, coming right upon him to arrest him: and the
moon varied from her course above five fathom, and there was
manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the firmament of the
fixed stars, called Aplanes, so that the middle Pleiade, leaving her
fellows, declined towards the equinoctial, and the star named Spica
left the constellation of the Virgin to withdraw herself towards the
Balance, known by the name of Libra, which are cases very terrible,
and matters so hard and difficult that astrologians cannot set their
teeth in them; and indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they
could have reached thither.
However, account you it for a truth that everybody then did most
heartily eat of these medlars, for they were fair to the eye and in
taste delicious. But even as Noah, that holy man, to whom we are so
much beholding, bound, and obliged, for that he planted to us the
vine, from whence we have that nectarian, delicious, precious,
heavenly, joyful, and deific liquor which they call the piot or
tiplage, was deceived in the drinking of it, for he was ignorant of
the great virtue and power thereof; so likewise the men and women of
that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great fruit,
but divers and very different accidents did ensue thereupon; for
there fell upon them all in their bodies a most terrible swelling,
but not upon all in the same place, for some were swollen in the
belly, and their belly strouted out big like a great tun, of whom it
is written, Ventrem omnipotentem, who were all very honest men, and
merry blades. And of this race came St. Fatgulch and Shrove Tuesday
(Pansart, Mardigras.). Others did swell at the shoulders, who in
that place were so crump and knobby that they were therefore called
Montifers, which is as much to say as Hill-carriers, of whom you see
some yet in the world, of divers sexes and degrees. Of this race
came Aesop, some of whose excellent words and deeds you have in
writing. Some other puffs did swell in length by the member which
they call the labourer of nature, in such sort that it grew
marvellous long, fat, great, lusty, stirring, and crest-risen, in
the antique fashion, so that they made use of it as of a girdle,
winding it five or six times about their waist: but if it happened
the foresaid member to be in good case, spooming with a full sail
bunt fair before the wind, then to have seen those strouting
champions, you would have taken them for men that had their lances
settled on their rest to run at the ring or tilting whintam
(quintain). Of these, believe me, the race is utterly lost and quite
extinct, as the women say; for they do lament continually that there
are none extant now of those great, &c. You know the rest of the
song. Others did grow in matter of ballocks so enormously that three
of them would well fill a sack able to contain five quarters of
wheat. From them are descended the ballocks of Lorraine, which never
dwell in codpieces, but fall down to the bottom of the breeches.
Others grew in the legs, and to see them you would have said they
had been cranes, or the reddish-long-billed-storklike-scrank-legged
sea-fowls called flamans, or else men walking upon stilts or
scatches. The little grammar-school boys, known by the name of
Grimos, called those leg-grown slangams Jambus, in allusion to the
French word jambe, which signifieth a leg. In others, their nose did
grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of a limbeck, in every part
thereof most variously diapered with the twinkling sparkles of
crimson blisters budding forth, and purpled with pimples all
enamelled with thickset wheals of a sanguine colour, bordered with
gules; and such have you seen the Canon or Prebend Panzoult, and
Woodenfoot, the physician of Angiers. Of which race there were few
that looked the ptisane, but all of them were perfect lovers of the
pure Septembral juice. Naso and Ovid had their extraction from
thence, and all those of whom it is written, Ne reminiscaris. Others
grew in ears, which they had so big that out of one would have been
stuff enough got to make a doublet, a pair of breeches, and a
jacket, whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as
with a Spanish cloak: and they say that in Bourbonnois this race
remaineth yet. Others grew in length of body, and of those came the
Giants, and of them Pantagruel.
And the first was Chalbroth,
Who begat Sarabroth,
Who begat Faribroth,
Who begat Hurtali, that was a brave eater of pottage, and reigned
in the time of the flood;
Who begat Nembroth,
Who begat Atlas, that with his shoulders kept the sky from falling;
Who begat Goliah,
Who begat Erix, that invented the hocus pocus plays of legerdemain;
Who begat Titius,
Who begat Eryon,
Who begat Polyphemus,
Who begat Cacus,
Who begat Etion, the first man that ever had the pox, for not drinking
fresh in summer, as Bartachin witnesseth;
Who begat Enceladus,
Who begat Ceus,
Who begat Tiphaeus,
Who begat Alaeus,
Who begat Othus,
Who begat Aegeon,
Who begat Briareus, that had a hundred hands;
Who begat Porphyrio,
Who begat Adamastor,
Who begat Anteus,
Who begat Agatho,
Who begat Porus, against whom fought Alexander the Great;
Who begat Aranthas,
Who begat Gabbara, that was the first inventor of the drinking of
healths;
Who begat Goliah of Secondille,
Who begat Offot, that was terribly well nosed for drinking at the
barrel-head;
Who begat Artachaeus,
Who begat Oromedon,
Who begat Gemmagog, the first inventor of Poulan shoes, which are
open on the foot and tied over the instep with a lachet;
Who begat Sisyphus,
Who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was born;
Who begat Enay, the most skilful man that ever was in matter of
taking the little worms (called cirons) out of the hands;
Who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished by Oliver, peer of France
and Roland's comrade;
Who begat Morgan, the first in the world that played at dice with
spectacles;
Who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coccaius hath written, and of
him was born Ferragus,
Who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever invented the drying of
neat's tongues in the chimney; for, before that, people salted
them as they do now gammons of bacon;
Who begat Bolivorax,
Who begat Longis,
Who begat Gayoffo, whose ballocks were of poplar, and his pr... of
the service or sorb-apple-tree;
Who begat Maschefain,
Who begat Bruslefer,
Who begat Angoulevent,
Who begat Galehaut, the inventor of flagons;
Who begat Mirelangaut,
Who begat Gallaffre,
Who begat Falourdin,
Who begat Roboast,
Who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres,
Who begat Brushant of Mommiere,
Who begat Bruyer that was overcome by Ogier the Dane, peer of
France;
Who begat Mabrun,
Who begat Foutasnon,
Who begat Haquelebac,
Who begat Vitdegrain,
Who begat Grangousier,
Who begat Gargantua,
Who begat the noble Pantagruel, my master.
I know that, reading this passage, you will make a doubt within
yourselves, and that grounded upon very good reason, which is
this—how it is possible that this relation can be true, seeing at
the time of the flood all the world was destroyed, except Noah and
seven persons more with him in the ark, into whose number Hurtali is
not admitted. Doubtless the demand is well made and very apparent,
but the answer shall satisfy you, or my wit is not rightly caulked.
And because I was not at that time to tell you anything of my own
fancy, I will bring unto you the authority of the Massorets, good
honest fellows, true ballockeering blades and exact Hebraical
bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within
the ark of Noah, neither could he get in, for he was too big, but he
sat astride upon it, with one leg on the one side and another on the
other, as little children use to do upon their wooden horses; or as
the great bull of Berne, which was killed at Marinian, did ride for
his hackney the great murdering piece called the canon-pevier, a
pretty beast of a fair and pleasant amble without all question.
In that posture, he, after God, saved the said ark from danger,
for with his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful, and with
his foot turned it whither he pleased, as a ship answereth her
rudder. Those that were within sent him up victuals in abundance by
a chimney, as people very thankfully acknowledging the good that he
did them. And sometimes they did talk together as Icaromenippus did
to Jupiter, according to the report of Lucian. Have you understood
all this well? Drink then one good draught without water, for if you
believe it not,—no truly do I not, quoth she.
Chapter 2.II.—Of the nativity of the most dread and redoubted
Pantagruel.
Gargantua at the age of four hundred fourscore forty and four
years begat his son Pantagruel, upon his wife named Badebec,
daughter to the king of the Amaurots in Utopia, who died in
childbirth; for he was so wonderfully great and lumpish that he
could not possibly come forth into the light of the world without
thus suffocating his mother. But that we may fully understand the
cause and reason of the name of Pantagruel which at his baptism was
given him, you are to remark that in that year there was so great
drought over all the country of Africa that there passed thirty and
six months, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours and a little more
without rain, but with a heat so vehement that the whole earth was
parched and withered by it. Neither was it more scorched and dried
up with heat in the days of Elijah than it was at that time; for
there was not a tree to be seen that had either leaf or bloom upon
it. The grass was without verdure or greenness, the rivers were
drained, the fountains dried up, the poor fishes, abandoned and
forsaken by their proper element, wandering and crying upon the
ground most horribly. The birds did fall down from the air for want
of moisture and dew wherewith to refresh them. The wolves, foxes,
harts, wild boars, fallow deer, hares, coneys, weasels, brocks,
badgers, and other such beasts, were found dead in the fields with
their mouths open. In respect of men, there was the pity, you should
have seen them lay out their tongues like hares that have been run
six hours. Many did throw themselves into the wells. Others entered
within a cow's belly to be in the shade; those Homer calls Alibants.
All the country was idle, and could do no virtue. It was a most
lamentable case to have seen the labour of mortals in defending
themselves from the vehemency of this horrific drought; for they had
work enough to do to save the holy water in the churches from being
wasted; but there was such order taken by the counsel of my lords
the cardinals and of our holy Father, that none did dare to take
above one lick. Yet when anyone came into the church, you should
have seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was
the distributor of the water, and that with a wide open throat,
gaping for some little drop, like the rich glutton in Luke, that
might fall by, lest anything should be lost. O how happy was he in
that year who had a cool cellar under ground, well plenished with
fresh wine!
The philosopher reports, in moving the question, Wherefore it is
that the sea-water is salt, that at the time when Phoebus gave the
government of his resplendent chariot to his son Phaeton, the said
Phaeton, unskilful in the art, and not knowing how to keep the
ecliptic line betwixt the two tropics of the latitude of the sun's
course, strayed out of his way, and came so near the earth that he
dried up all the countries that were under it, burning a great part
of the heavens which the philosophers call Via lactea, and the
huffsnuffs St. James's way; although the most coped, lofty, and
high-crested poets affirm that to be the place where Juno's milk
fell when she gave suck to Hercules. The earth at that time was so
excessively heated that it fell into an enormous sweat, yea, such a
one as made it sweat out the sea, which is therefore salt, because
all sweat is salt; and this you cannot but confess to be true if you
will taste of your own, or of those that have the pox, when they are
put into sweating, it is all one to me.
Just such another case fell out this same year: for on a certain
Friday, when the whole people were bent upon their devotions, and
had made goodly processions, with store of litanies, and fair
preachings, and beseechings of God Almighty to look down with his
eye of mercy upon their miserable and disconsolate condition, there
was even then visibly seen issue out of the ground great drops of
water, such as fall from a puff-bagged man in a top sweat, and the
poor hoidens began to rejoice as if it had been a thing very
profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of
moisture in the air whence they might have any rain, and that the
earth did supply the default of that. Other learned men said that it
was a shower of the antipodes, as Seneca saith in his fourth book
Quaestionum naturalium, speaking of the source and spring of Nilus.
But they were deceived, for, the procession being ended, when
everyone went about to gather of this dew, and to drink of it with
full bowls, they found that it was nothing but pickle and the very
brine of salt, more brackish in taste than the saltest water of the
sea. And because in that very day Pantagruel was born, his father
gave him that name; for Panta in Greek is as much to say as all, and
Gruel in the Hagarene language doth signify thirsty, inferring
hereby that at his birth the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, as
likewise foreseeing that he would be some day supreme lord and
sovereign of the thirsty Ethrappels, which was shown to him at that
very same hour by a more evident sign. For when his mother Badebec
was in the bringing of him forth, and that the midwives did wait to
receive him, there came first out of her belly three score and eight
tregeneers, that is, salt-sellers, every one of them leading in a
halter a mule heavy laden with salt; after whom issued forth nine
dromedaries, with great loads of gammons of bacon and dried neat's
tongues on their backs. Then followed seven camels loaded with links
and chitterlings, hogs' puddings, and sausages. After them came out
five great wains, full of leeks, garlic, onions, and chibots, drawn
with five-and-thirty strong cart-horses, which was six for every
one, besides the thiller. At the sight hereof the said midwives were
much amazed, yet some of them said, Lo, here is good provision, and
indeed we need it; for we drink but lazily, as if our tongues walked
on crutches, and not lustily like Lansman Dutches. Truly this is a
good sign; there is nothing here but what is fit for us; these are
the spurs of wine, that set it a-going. As they were tattling thus
together after their own manner of chat, behold! out comes
Pantagruel all hairy like a bear, whereupon one of them, inspired
with a prophetical spirit, said, This will be a terrible fellow; he
is born with all his hair; he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things,
and if he live he shall have age.
Chapter 2.III.—Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the
decease of his wife Badebec.
When Pantagruel was born, there was none more astonished and
perplexed than was his father Gargantua; for of the one side seeing
his wife Badebec dead, and on the other side his son Pantagruel
born, so fair and so great, he knew not what to say nor what to do.
And the doubt that troubled his brain was to know whether he should
cry for the death of his wife or laugh for the joy of his son. He
was hinc inde choked with sophistical arguments, for he framed them
very well in modo et figura, but he could not resolve them,
remaining pestered and entangled by this means, like a mouse caught
in a trap or kite snared in a gin. Shall I weep? said he. Yes, for
why? My so good wife is dead, who was the most this, the most that,
that ever was in the world. Never shall I see her, never shall I
recover such another; it is unto me an inestimable loss! O my good
God, what had I done that thou shouldest thus punish me? Why didst
thou not take me away before her, seeing for me to live without her
is but to languish? Ah, Badebec, Badebec, my minion, my dear heart,
my sugar, my sweeting, my honey, my little c— (yet it had in
circumference full six acres, three rods, five poles, four yards,
two foot, one inch and a half of good woodland measure), my tender
peggy, my codpiece darling, my bob and hit, my slipshoe-lovey, never
shall I see thee! Ah, poor Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good
mother, thy sweet nurse, thy well-beloved lady! O false death, how
injurious and despiteful hast thou been to me! How malicious and
outrageous have I found thee in taking her from me, my well-beloved
wife, to whom immortality did of right belong!
With these words he did cry like a cow, but on a sudden fell
a-laughing like a calf, when Pantagruel came into his mind. Ha, my
little son, said he, my childilolly, fedlifondy, dandlichucky, my
ballocky, my pretty rogue! O how jolly thou art, and how much am I
bound to my gracious God, that hath been pleased to bestow on me a
son so fair, so spriteful, so lively, so smiling, so pleasant, and
so gentle! Ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad I am! Let us drink, ho, and put
away melancholy! Bring of the best, rinse the glasses, lay the
cloth, drive out these dogs, blow this fire, light candles, shut
that door there, cut this bread in sippets for brewis, send away
these poor folks in giving them what they ask, hold my gown. I will
strip myself into my doublet (en cuerpo), to make the gossips merry,
and keep them company.
As he spake this, he heard the litanies and the mementos of the
priests that carried his wife to be buried, upon which he left the
good purpose he was in, and was suddenly ravished another way,
saying, Lord God! must I again contrist myself? This grieves me. I
am no longer young, I grow old, the weather is dangerous; I may
perhaps take an ague, then shall I be foiled, if not quite undone.
By the faith of a gentleman, it were better to cry less, and drink
more. My wife is dead, well, by G—! (da jurandi) I shall not raise
her again by my crying: she is well, she is in paradise at least, if
she be no higher: she prayeth to God for us, she is happy, she is
above the sense of our miseries, nor can our calamities reach her.
What though she be dead, must not we also die? The same debt which
she hath paid hangs over our heads; nature will require it of us,
and we must all of us some day taste of the same sauce. Let her pass
then, and the Lord preserve the survivors; for I must now cast about
how to get another wife. But I will tell you what you shall do, said
he to the midwives, in France called wise women (where be they, good
folks? I cannot see them): Go you to my wife's interment, and I will
the while rock my son; for I find myself somewhat altered and
distempered, and should otherwise be in danger of falling sick; but
drink one good draught first, you will be the better for it. And
believe me, upon mine honour, they at his request went to her burial
and funeral obsequies. In the meanwhile, poor Gargantua staying at
home, and willing to have somewhat in remembrance of her to be
engraven upon her tomb, made this epitaph in the manner as
followeth.
Dead is the noble Badebec,
Who had a face like a rebeck;
A Spanish body, and a belly
Of Switzerland; she died, I tell ye,
In childbirth. Pray to God, that her
He pardon wherein she did err.
Here lies her body, which did live
Free from all vice, as I believe,
And did decease at my bedside,
The year and day in which she died.
Chapter 2.IV.—Of the infancy of Pantagruel.
I find by the ancient historiographers and poets that divers have
been born in this world after very strange manners, which would be
too long to repeat; read therefore the seventh chapter of Pliny, if
you have so much leisure. Yet have you never heard of any so
wonderful as that of Pantagruel; for it is a very difficult matter
to believe, how in the little time he was in his mother's belly he
grew both in body and strength. That which Hercules did was nothing,
when in his cradle he slew two serpents, for those serpents were but
little and weak, but Pantagruel, being yet in the cradle, did far
more admirable things, and more to be amazed at. I pass by here the
relation of how at every one of his meals he supped up the milk of
four thousand and six hundred cows, and how, to make him a skillet
to boil his milk in, there were set a-work all the braziers of
Somure in Anjou, of Villedieu in Normandy, and of Bramont in
Lorraine. And they served in this whitepot-meat to him in a huge
great bell, which is yet to be seen in the city of Bourges in Berry,
near the palace, but his teeth were already so well grown, and so
strengthened with vigour, that of the said bell he bit off a great
morsel, as very plainly doth appear till this hour.
One day in the morning, when they would have made him suck one of
his cows —for he never had any other nurse, as the history tells
us—he got one of his arms loose from the swaddling bands wherewith
he was kept fast in the cradle, laid hold on the said cow under the
left foreham, and grasping her to him ate up her udder and half of
her paunch, with the liver and the kidneys, and had devoured all up
if she had not cried out most horribly, as if the wolves had held
her by the legs, at which noise company came in and took away the
said cow from Pantagruel. Yet could they not so well do it but that
the quarter whereby he caught her was left in his hand, of which
quarter he gulped up the flesh in a trice, even with as much ease as
you would eat a sausage, and that so greedily with desire of more,
that, when they would have taken away the bone from him, he
swallowed it down whole, as a cormorant would do a little fish; and
afterwards began fumblingly to say, Good, good, good—for he could
not yet speak plain—giving them to understand thereby that he had
found it very good, and that he did lack but so much more. Which
when they saw that attended him, they bound him with great
cable-ropes, like those that are made at Tain for the carriage of
salt to Lyons, or such as those are whereby the great French ship
rides at anchor in the road of Newhaven in Normandy. But, on a
certain time, a great bear, which his father had bred, got loose,
came towards him, began to lick his face, for his nurses had not
thoroughly wiped his chaps, at which unexpected approach being on a
sudden offended, he as lightly rid himself of those great cables as
Samson did of the hawser ropes wherewith the Philistines had tied
him, and, by your leave, takes me up my lord the bear, and tears him
to you in pieces like a pullet, which served him for a gorgeful or
good warm bit for that meal.
Whereupon Gargantua, fearing lest the child should hurt himself,
caused four great chains of iron to be made to bind him, and so many
strong wooden arches unto his cradle, most firmly stocked and
morticed in huge frames. Of those chains you have one at Rochelle,
which they draw up at night betwixt the two great towers of the
haven. Another is at Lyons,—a third at Angiers,—and the fourth was
carried away by the devils to bind Lucifer, who broke his chains in
those days by reason of a colic that did extraordinarily torment
him, taken with eating a sergeant's soul fried for his breakfast.
And therefore you may believe that which Nicholas de Lyra saith upon
that place of the Psalter where it is written, Et Og Regem Basan,
that the said Og, being yet little, was so strong and robustious,
that they were fain to bind him with chains of iron in his cradle.
Thus continued Pantagruel for a while very calm and quiet, for he
was not able so easily to break those chains, especially having no
room in the cradle to give a swing with his arms. But see what
happened once upon a great holiday that his father Gargantua made a
sumptuous banquet to all the princes of his court. I am apt to
believe that the menial officers of the house were so embusied in
waiting each on his proper service at the feast, that nobody took
care of poor Pantagruel, who was left a reculorum, behindhand, all
alone, and as forsaken. What did he? Hark what he did, good people.
He strove and essayed to break the chains of the cradle with his
arms, but could not, for they were too strong for him. Then did he
keep with his feet such a stamping stir, and so long, that at last
he beat out the lower end of his cradle, which notwithstanding was
made of a great post five foot in square; and as soon as he had
gotten out his feet, he slid down as well as he could till he had
got his soles to the ground, and then with a mighty force he rose
up, carrying his cradle upon his back, bound to him like a tortoise
that crawls up against a wall; and to have seen him, you would have
thought it had been a great carrick of five hundred tons upon one
end. In this manner he entered into the great hall where they were
banqueting, and that very boldly, which did much affright the
company; yet, because his arms were tied in, he could not reach
anything to eat, but with great pain stooped now and then a little
to take with the whole flat of his tongue some lick, good bit, or
morsel. Which when his father saw, he knew well enough that they had
left him without giving him anything to eat, and therefore commanded
that he should be loosed from the said chains, by the counsel of the
princes and lords there present. Besides that also the physicians of
Gargantua said that, if they did thus keep him in the cradle, he
would be all his lifetime subject to the stone. When he was
unchained, they made him to sit down, where, after he had fed very
well, he took his cradle and broke it into more than five hundred
thousand pieces with one blow of his fist that he struck in the
midst of it, swearing that he would never come into it again.
Chapter 2.V.—Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful
age.
Thus grew Pantagruel from day to day, and to everyone's eye waxed
more and more in all his dimensions, which made his father to
rejoice by a natural affection. Therefore caused he to be made for
him, whilst he was yet little, a pretty crossbow wherewith to shoot
at small birds, which now they call the great crossbow at Chantelle.
Then he sent him to the school to learn, and to spend his youth in
virtue. In the prosecution of which design he came first to
Poictiers, where, as he studied and profited very much, he saw that
the scholars were oftentimes at leisure and knew not how to bestow
their time, which moved him to take such compassion on them, that
one day he took from a long ledge of rocks, called there
Passelourdin, a huge great stone, of about twelve fathom square and
fourteen handfuls thick, and with great ease set it upon four
pillars in the midst of a field, to no other end but that the said
scholars, when they had nothing else to do, might pass their time in
getting up on that stone, and feast it with store of gammons,
pasties, and flagons, and carve their names upon it with a knife, in
token of which deed till this hour the stone is called the lifted
stone. And in remembrance hereof there is none entered into the
register and matricular book of the said university, or accounted
capable of taking any degree therein, till he have first drunk in
the caballine fountain of Croustelles, passed at Passelourdin, and
got up upon the lifted stone.
Afterwards, reading the delectable chronicles of his ancestors,
he found that Geoffrey of Lusignan, called Geoffrey with the great
tooth, grandfather to the cousin-in-law of the eldest sister of the
aunt of the son-in-law of the uncle of the good daughter of his
stepmother, was interred at Maillezais; therefore one day he took
campos (which is a little vacation from study to play a while), that
he might give him a visit as unto an honest man. And going from
Poictiers with some of his companions, they passed by the Guge
(Leguge), visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon; then by Lusignan, by
Sansay, by Celles, by Coolonges, by Fontenay-le-Comte, saluting the
learned Tiraqueau, and from thence arrived at Maillezais, where he
went to see the sepulchre of the said Geoffrey with the great tooth;
which made him somewhat afraid, looking upon the picture, whose
lively draughts did set him forth in the representation of a man in
an extreme fury, drawing his great Malchus falchion half way out of
his scabbard. When the reason hereof was demanded, the canons of the
said place told him that there was no other cause of it but that
Pictoribus atque Poetis, &c., that is to say, that painters and
poets have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their
own fancy. But he was not satisfied with their answer, and said, He
is not thus painted without a cause, and I suspect that at his death
there was some wrong done him, whereof he requireth his kindred to
take revenge. I will inquire further into it, and then do what shall
be reasonable. Then he returned not to Poictiers, but would take a
view of the other universities of France. Therefore, going to
Rochelle, he took shipping and arrived at Bordeaux, where he found
no great exercise, only now and then he would see some mariners and
lightermen a-wrestling on the quay or strand by the river-side. From
thence he came to Toulouse, where he learned to dance very well, and
to play with the two-handed sword, as the fashion of the scholars of
the said university is to bestir themselves in games whereof they
may have their hands full; but he stayed not long there when he saw
that they did cause burn their regents alive like red herring,
saying, Now God forbid that I should die this death! for I am by
nature sufficiently dry already, without heating myself any further.
He went then to Montpellier, where he met with the good wives of
Mirevaux, and good jovial company withal, and thought to have set
himself to the study of physic; but he considered that that calling
was too troublesome and melancholic, and that physicians did smell
of glisters like old devils. Therefore he resolved he would study
the laws; but seeing that there were but three scald- and one
bald-pated legist in that place, he departed from thence, and in his
way made the bridge of Guard and the amphitheatre of Nimes in less
than three hours, which, nevertheless, seems to be a more divine
than human work. After that he came to Avignon, where he was not
above three days before he fell in love; for the women there take
great delight in playing at the close-buttock game, because it is
papal ground. Which his tutor and pedagogue Epistemon perceiving, he
drew him out of that place, and brought him to Valence in the
Dauphiny, where he saw no great matter of recreation, only that the
lubbers of the town did beat the scholars, which so incensed him
with anger, that when, upon a certain very fair Sunday, the people
being at their public dancing in the streets, and one of the
scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of that
sport, the foresaid lubberly fellows would not permit him the
admittance into their society, he, taking the scholar's part, so
belaboured them with blows, and laid such load upon them, that he
drove them all before him, even to the brink of the river Rhone, and
would have there drowned them, but that they did squat to the
ground, and there lay close a full half-league under the river. The
hole is to be seen there yet.
After that he departed from thence, and in three strides and one
leap came to Angiers, where he found himself very well, and would
have continued there some space, but that the plague drove them
away. So from thence he came to Bourges, where he studied a good
long time, and profited very much in the faculty of the laws, and
would sometimes say that the books of the civil law were like unto a
wonderfully precious, royal, and triumphant robe of cloth of gold
edged with dirt; for in the world are no goodlier books to be seen,
more ornate, nor more eloquent than the texts of the Pandects, but
the bordering of them, that is to say, the gloss of Accursius, is so
scurvy, vile, base, and unsavoury, that it is nothing but filthiness
and villainy.
Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, where he found store of
swaggering scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming,
and with whom he learned to play at tennis so well that he was a
master at that game. For the students of the said place make a prime
exercise of it; and sometimes they carried him unto Cupid's houses
of commerce (in that city termed islands, because of their being
most ordinarily environed with other houses, and not contiguous to
any), there to recreate his person at the sport of poussavant, which
the wenches of London call the ferkers in and in. As for breaking
his head with over-much study, he had an especial care not to do it
in any case, for fear of spoiling his eyes. Which he the rather
observed, for that it was told him by one of his teachers, there
called regents, that the pain of the eyes was the most hurtful thing
of any to the sight. For this cause, when he one day was made a
licentiate, or graduate in law, one of the scholars of his
acquaintance, who of learning had not much more than his burden,
though instead of that he could dance very well and play at tennis,
made the blazon and device of the licentiates in the said
university, saying,
So you have in your hand a racket,
A tennis-ball in your cod-placket,
A Pandect law in your cap's tippet,
And that you have the skill to trip it
In a low dance, you will b' allowed
The grant of the licentiate's hood.
Chapter 2.VI.—How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who too
affectedly did counterfeit the French language.
Upon a certain day, I know not when, Pantagruel walking after
supper with some of his fellow-students without that gate of the
city through which we enter on the road to Paris, encountered with a
young spruce-like scholar that was coming upon the same very way,
and, after they had saluted one another, asked him thus, My friend,
from whence comest thou now? The scholar answered him, From the
alme, inclyte, and celebrate academy, which is vocitated Lutetia.
What is the meaning of this? said Pantagruel to one of his men. It
is, answered he, from Paris. Thou comest from Paris then, said
Pantagruel; and how do you spend your time there, you my masters the
students of Paris? The scholar answered, We transfretate the Sequan
at the dilucul and crepuscul; we deambulate by the compites and
quadrives of the urb; we despumate the Latial verbocination; and,
like verisimilary amorabons, we captat the benevolence of the
omnijugal, omniform and omnigenal feminine sex. Upon certain
diecules we invisat the lupanares, and in a venerian ecstasy
inculcate our veretres into the penitissime recesses of the pudends
of these amicabilissim meretricules. Then do we cauponisate in the
meritory taberns of the Pineapple, the Castle, the Magdalene, and
the Mule, goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with petrocile.
And if by fortune there be rarity or penury of pecune in our
marsupies, and that they be exhausted of ferruginean metal, for the
shot we dimit our codices and oppignerat our vestments, whilst we
prestolate the coming of the tabellaries from the Penates and
patriotic Lares. To which Pantagruel answered, What devilish
language is this? By the Lord, I think thou art some kind of
heretick. My lord, no, said the scholar; for libentissimally, as
soon as it illucesceth any minutule slice of the day, I demigrate
into one of these so well architected minsters, and there,
irrorating myself with fair lustral water, I mumble off little
parcels of some missic precation of our sacrificuls, and,
submurmurating my horary precules, I elevate and absterge my anime
from its nocturnal inquinations. I revere the Olympicols. I
latrially venere the supernal Astripotent. I dilige and redame my
proxims. I observe the decalogical precepts, and, according to the
facultatule of my vires, I do not discede from them one late
unguicule. Nevertheless, it is veriform, that because Mammona doth
not supergurgitate anything in my loculs, that I am somewhat rare
and lent to supererogate the elemosynes to those egents that
hostially queritate their stipe.
Prut, tut, said Pantagruel, what doth this fool mean to say? I
think he is upon the forging of some diabolical tongue, and that
enchanter-like he would charm us. To whom one of his men said,
Without doubt, sir, this fellow would counterfeit the language of
the Parisians, but he doth only flay the Latin, imagining by so
doing that he doth highly Pindarize it in most eloquent terms, and
strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a great orator in the
French, because he disdaineth the common manner of speaking. To
which Pantagruel said, Is it true? The scholar answered, My
worshipful lord, my genie is not apt nate to that which this
flagitious nebulon saith, to excoriate the cut(ic)ule of our
vernacular Gallic, but vice-versally I gnave opere, and by veles and
rames enite to locupletate it with the Latinicome redundance. By G—,
said Pantagruel, I will teach you to speak. But first come hither,
and tell me whence thou art. To this the scholar answered, The
primeval origin of my aves and ataves was indigenary of the Lemovic
regions, where requiesceth the corpor of the hagiotat St. Martial. I
understand thee very well, said Pantagruel. When all comes to all,
thou art a Limousin, and thou wilt here by thy affected speech
counterfeit the Parisians. Well now, come hither, I must show thee a
new trick, and handsomely give thee the combfeat. With this he took
him by the throat, saying to him, Thou flayest the Latin; by St.
John, I will make thee flay the fox, for I will now flay thee alive.
Then began the poor Limousin to cry, Haw, gwid maaster! haw, Laord,
my halp, and St. Marshaw! haw, I'm worried. Haw, my thropple, the
bean of my cragg is bruck! Haw, for gauad's seck lawt my lean,
mawster; waw, waw, waw. Now, said Pantagruel, thou speakest
naturally, and so let him go, for the poor Limousin had totally
bewrayed and thoroughly conshit his breeches, which were not deep
and large enough, but round straight cannioned gregs, having in the
seat a piece like a keeling's tail, and therefore in French called,
de chausses a queue de merlus. Then, said Pantagruel, St. Alipantin,
what civet? Fie! to the devil with this turnip-eater, as he stinks!
and so let him go. But this hug of Pantagruel's was such a terror to
him all the days of his life, and took such deep impression in his
fancy, that very often, distracted with sudden affrightments, he
would startle and say that Pantagruel held him by the neck. Besides
that, it procured him a continual drought and desire to drink, so
that after some few years he died of the death Roland, in plain
English called thirst, a work of divine vengeance, showing us that
which saith the philosopher and Aulus Gellius, that it becometh us
to speak according to the common language; and that we should, as
said Octavian Augustus, strive to shun all strange and unknown terms
with as much heedfulness and circumspection as pilots of ships use
to avoid the rocks and banks in the sea.
Chapter 2.VII.—How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice
books of the Library of St. Victor.
After that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans, he
resolved to see the great University at Paris; but, before his
departure, he was informed that there was a huge big bell at St.
Anian in the said town of Orleans, under the ground, which had been
there above two hundred and fourteen years, for it was so great that
they could not by any device get it so much as above the ground,
although they used all the means that are found in Vitruvius de
Architectura, Albertus de Re Aedificatoria, Euclid, Theon,
Archimedes, and Hero de Ingeniis; for all that was to no purpose.
Wherefore, condescending heartily to the humble request of the
citizens and inhabitants of the said town, he determined to remove
it to the tower that was erected for it. With that he came to the
place where it was, and lifted it out of the ground with his little
finger as easily as you would have done a hawk's bell or
bellwether's tingle-tangle; but, before he would carry it to the
foresaid tower or steeple appointed for it, he would needs make some
music with it about the town, and ring it alongst all the streets as
he carried it in his hand, wherewith all the people were very glad.
But there happened one great inconveniency, for with carrying it so,
and ringing it about the streets, all the good Orleans wine turned
instantly, waxed flat and was spoiled, which nobody there did
perceive till the night following; for every man found himself so
altered and a-dry with drinking these flat wines, that they did
nothing but spit, and that as white as Malta cotton, saying, We have
of the Pantagruel, and our very throats are salted. This done, he
came to Paris with his retinue. And at his entry everyone came out
to see him—as you know well enough that the people of Paris is
sottish by nature, by B flat and B sharp—and beheld him with great
astonishment, mixed with no less fear that he would carry away the
palace into some other country, a remotis, and far from them, as his
father formerly had done the great peal of bells at Our Lady's
Church to tie about his mare's neck. Now after he had stayed there a
pretty space, and studied very well in all the seven liberal arts,
he said it was a good town to live in, but not to die; for that the
grave-digging rogues of St. Innocent used in frosty nights to warm
their bums with dead men's bones. In his abode there he found the
library of St. Victor a very stately and magnific one, especially in
some books which were there, of which followeth the Repertory and
Catalogue, Et primo,
The for Godsake of Salvation.
The Codpiece of the Law.
The Slipshoe of the Decretals.
The Pomegranate of Vice.
The Clew-bottom of Theology.
The Duster or Foxtail-flap of Preachers, composed by Turlupin.
The Churning Ballock of the Valiant.
The Henbane of the Bishops.
Marmotretus de baboonis et apis, cum Commento Dorbellis.
Decretum Universitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum
ad placitum.
The Apparition of Sancte Geltrude to a Nun of Poissy, being in
travail at the bringing forth of a child.
Ars honeste fartandi in societate, per Marcum Corvinum (Ortuinum).
The Mustard-pot of Penance.
The Gamashes, alias the Boots of Patience.
Formicarium artium.
De brodiorum usu, et honestate quartandi, per Sylvestrem Prioratem
Jacobinum.
The Cosened or Gulled in Court.
The Frail of the Scriveners.
The Marriage-packet.
The Cruizy or Crucible of Contemplation.
The Flimflams of the Law.
The Prickle of Wine.
The Spur of Cheese.
Ruboffatorium (Decrotatorium) scholarium.
Tartaretus de modo cacandi.
The Bravades of Rome.
Bricot de Differentiis Browsarum.
The Tailpiece-Cushion, or Close-breech of Discipline.
The Cobbled Shoe of Humility.
The Trivet of good Thoughts.
The Kettle of Magnanimity.
The Cavilling Entanglements of Confessors.
The Snatchfare of the Curates.
Reverendi patris fratris Lubini, provincialis Bavardiae, de gulpendis
lardslicionibus libri tres.
Pasquilli Doctoris Marmorei, de capreolis cum artichoketa comedendis,
tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto.
The Invention of the Holy Cross, personated by six wily Priests.
The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome.
Majoris de modo faciendi puddinos.
The Bagpipe of the Prelates.
Beda de optimitate triparum.
The Complaint of the Barristers upon the Reformation of Comfits.
The Furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys.
Of Peas and Bacon, cum Commento.
The Small Vales or Drinking Money of the Indulgences.
Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre Pilloti, &c.,
Scrap-farthingi de botchandis glossae Accursianae Triflis repetitio
enucidi-luculidissima.
Stratagemata Francharchiaeri de Baniolet.
Carlbumpkinus de Re Militari cum Figuris Tevoti.
De usu et utilitate flayandi equos et equas, authore Magistro nostro
de Quebecu.
The Sauciness of Country-Stewards.
M.N. Rostocostojambedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda,
libri quatuordecim, apostillati per M. Vaurillonis.
The Covillage or Wench-tribute of Promoters.
(Jabolenus de Cosmographia Purgatorii.)
Quaestio subtilissima, utrum Chimaera in vacuo bonbinans possit
comedere secundas intentiones; et fuit debatuta per decem
hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi.
The Bridle-champer of the Advocates.
Smutchudlamenta Scoti.
The Rasping and Hard-scraping of the Cardinals.
De calcaribus removendis, Decades undecim, per M. Albericum de Rosata.
Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus libri tres.
The Entrance of Anthony de Leve into the Territories of Brazil.
(Marforii, bacalarii cubantis Romae) de peelandis aut unskinnandis
blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis.
The said Author's Apology against those who allege that the Pope's
mule doth eat but at set times.
Prognosticatio quae incipit, Silvii Triquebille, balata per M.N., the
deep-dreaming gull Sion.
Boudarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profectibus Aeneades novem,
cum privilegio Papali ad triennium et postea non.
The Shitabranna of the Maids.
The Bald Arse or Peeled Breech of the Widows.
The Cowl or Capouch of the Monks.
The Mumbling Devotion of the Celestine Friars.
The Passage-toll of Beggarliness.
The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of Lubberly Lusks.
The Paring-shovel of the Theologues.
The Drench-horn of the Masters of Arts.
The Scullions of Olcam, the uninitiated Clerk.
Magistri N. Lickdishetis, de garbellisiftationibus horarum canonicarum,
libri quadriginta.
Arsiversitatorium confratriarum, incerto authore.
The Gulsgoatony or Rasher of Cormorants and Ravenous Feeders.
The Rammishness of the Spaniards supergivuregondigaded by Friar Inigo.
The Muttering of Pitiful Wretches.
Dastardismus rerum Italicarum, authore Magistro Burnegad.
R. Lullius de Batisfolagiis Principum.
Calibistratorium caffardiae, authore M. Jacobo Hocstraten hereticometra.
Codtickler de Magistro nostrandorum Magistro nostratorumque beuvetis,
libri octo galantissimi.
The Crackarades of Balists or stone-throwing Engines, Contrepate
Clerks, Scriveners, Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal
Bull-despatchers lately compiled by Regis.
A perpetual Almanack for those that have the gout and the pox.
Manera sweepandi fornacellos per Mag. Eccium.
The Shable or Scimetar of Merchants.
The Pleasures of the Monachal Life.
The Hotchpot of Hypocrites.
The History of the Hobgoblins.
The Ragamuffinism of the pensionary maimed Soldiers.
The Gulling Fibs and Counterfeit shows of Commissaries.
The Litter of Treasurers.
The Juglingatorium of Sophisters.
Antipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationes Toordicantium.
The Periwinkle of Ballad-makers.
The Push-forward of the Alchemists.
The Niddy-noddy of the Satchel-loaded Seekers, by Friar Bindfastatis.
The Shackles of Religion.
The Racket of Swag-waggers.
The Leaning-stock of old Age.
The Muzzle of Nobility.
The Ape's Paternoster.
The Crickets and Hawk's-bells of Devotion.
The Pot of the Ember-weeks.
The Mortar of the Politic Life.
The Flap of the Hermits.
The Riding-hood or Monterg of the Penitentiaries.
The Trictrac of the Knocking Friars.
Blockheadodus, de vita et honestate bragadochiorum.
Lyrippii Sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Lupoldum.
The Carrier-horse-bells of Travellers.
The Bibbings of the tippling Bishops.
Dolloporediones Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuclin.
The Cymbals of Ladies.
The Dunger's Martingale.
Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum per Fratrem Crackwoodloguetis.
The Clouted Patches of a Stout Heart.
The Mummery of the Racket-keeping Robin-goodfellows.
Gerson, de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia.
The Catalogue of the Nominated and Graduated Persons.
Jo. Dytebrodii, terribilitate excommunicationis libellus acephalos.
Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos et diabolas, per M. Guingolphum.
The Hotchpotch or Gallimaufry of the perpetually begging Friars.
The Morris-dance of the Heretics.
The Whinings of Cajetan.
Muddisnout Doctoris Cherubici, de origine Roughfootedarum, et
Wryneckedorum ritibus, libri septem.
Sixty-nine fat Breviaries.
The Nightmare of the five Orders of Beggars.
The Skinnery of the new Start-ups extracted out of the fallow-butt,
incornifistibulated and plodded upon in the angelic sum.
The Raver and idle Talker in cases of Conscience.
The Fat Belly of the Presidents.
The Baffling Flouter of the Abbots.
Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaverat eum Slabsauceatorem, et quod
Slabsauceatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia.
Cacatorium medicorum.
The Chimney-sweeper of Astrology.
Campi clysteriorum per paragraph C.
The Bumsquibcracker of Apothecaries.
The Kissbreech of Chirurgery.
Justinianus de Whiteleperotis tollendis.
Antidotarium animae.
Merlinus Coccaius, de patria diabolorum.
The Practice of Iniquity, by Cleuraunes Sadden.
The Mirror of Baseness, by Radnecu Waldenses.
The Engrained Rogue, by Dwarsencas Eldenu.
The Merciless Cormorant, by Hoxinidno the Jew.
Of which library some books are already printed, and the rest are
now at the press in this noble city of Tubingen.
Chapter 2.VIII.—How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received letters
from his father Gargantua, and the copy of them.
Pantagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and
profited accordingly; for he had an excellent understanding and
notable wit, together with a capacity in memory equal to the measure
of twelve oil budgets or butts of olives. And, as he was there
abiding one day, he received a letter from his father in manner as
followeth.
Most dear Son,—Amongst the gifts, graces, and
prerogatives, with which the sovereign plasmator God
Almighty hath endowed and adorned human nature at the
beginning, that seems to me most singular and excellent by
which we may in a mortal state attain to a kind of
immortality, and in the course of this transitory life
perpetuate our name and seed, which is done by a progeny
issued from us in the lawful bonds of matrimony. Whereby
that in some measure is restored unto us which was taken
from us by the sin of our first parents, to whom it was said
that, because they had not obeyed the commandment of God
their Creator, they should die, and by death should be
brought to nought that so stately frame and plasmature
wherein the man at first had been created.
But by this means of seminal propagation there ("Which
continueth" in the old copy.) continueth in the children
what was lost in the parents, and in the grandchildren that
which perished in their fathers, and so successively until
the day of the last judgment, when Jesus Christ shall have
rendered up to God the Father his kingdom in a peaceable
condition, out of all danger and contamination of sin; for
then shall cease all generations and corruptions, and the
elements leave off their continual transmutations, seeing
the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and
enjoyed, and that all things shall be brought to their end
and period. And, therefore, not without just and reasonable
cause do I give thanks to God my Saviour and Preserver, for
that he hath enabled me to see my bald old age reflourish in
thy youth; for when, at his good pleasure, who rules and
governs all things, my soul shall leave this mortal
habitation, I shall not account myself wholly to die, but to
pass from one place unto another, considering that, in and
by that, I continue in my visible image living in the world,
visiting and conversing with people of honour, and other my
good friends, as I was wont to do. Which conversation of
mine, although it was not without sin, because we are all of
us trespassers, and therefore ought continually to beseech
his divine majesty to blot our transgressions out of his
memory, yet was it, by the help and grace of God, without
all manner of reproach before men.
Wherefore, if those qualities of the mind but shine in
thee wherewith I am endowed, as in thee remaineth the
perfect image of my body, thou wilt be esteemed by all men
to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the immortality
of our name. But, if otherwise, I shall truly take but small
pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me,
which is the body, would abide in thee, and the best, to
wit, that which is the soul, and by which our name continues
blessed amongst men, would be degenerate and abastardized.
This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of thy
virtue, which I have heretofore already tried, but to
encourage thee yet more earnestly to proceed from good to
better. And that which I now write unto thee is not so much
that thou shouldst live in this virtuous course, as that
thou shouldst rejoice in so living and having lived, and
cheer up thyself with the like resolution in time to come;
to the prosecution and accomplishment of which enterprise
and generous undertaking thou mayst easily remember how that
I have spared nothing, but have so helped thee, as if I had
had no other treasure in this world but to see thee once in
my life completely well-bred and accomplished, as well in
virtue, honesty, and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and
civility, and so to leave thee after my death as a mirror
representing the person of me thy father, and if not so
excellent, and such in deed as I do wish thee, yet such in
my desire.
But although my deceased father of happy memory,
Grangousier, had bent his best endeavours to make me profit
in all perfection and political knowledge, and that my
labour and study was fully correspondent to, yea, went
beyond his desire, nevertheless, as thou mayest well
understand, the time then was not so proper and fit for
learning as it is at present, neither had I plenty of such
good masters as thou hast had. For that time was darksome,
obscured with clouds of ignorance, and savouring a little of
the infelicity and calamity of the Goths, who had, wherever
they set footing, destroyed all good literature, which in my
age hath by the divine goodness been restored unto its
former light and dignity, and that with such amendment and
increase of the knowledge, that now hardly should I be
admitted unto the first form of the little
grammar-schoolboys—I say, I, who in my youthful days was,
and that justly, reputed the most learned of that age. Which
I do not speak in vain boasting, although I might lawfully
do it in writing unto thee—in verification whereof thou hast
the authority of Marcus Tullius in his book of old age, and
the sentence of Plutarch in the book entitled How a man may
praise himself without envy—but to give thee an emulous
encouragement to strive yet further.
Now is it that the minds of men are qualified with all
manner of discipline, and the old sciences revived which for
many ages were extinct. Now it is that the learned languages
are to their pristine purity restored, viz., Greek, without
which a man may be ashamed to account himself a scholar,
Hebrew, Arabic, Chaldaean, and Latin. Printing likewise is
now in use, so elegant and so correct that better cannot be
imagined, although it was found out but in my time by divine
inspiration, as by a diabolical suggestion on the other side
was the invention of ordnance. All the world is full of
knowing men, of most learned schoolmasters, and vast
libraries; and it appears to me as a truth, that neither in
Plato's time, nor Cicero's, nor Papinian's, there was ever
such conveniency for studying as we see at this day there
is. Nor must any adventure henceforward to come in public,
or present himself in company, that hath not been pretty
well polished in the shop of Minerva. I see robbers,
hangmen, freebooters, tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of
the very rubbish of the people, more learned now than the
doctors and preachers were in my time.
What shall I say? The very women and children have
aspired to this praise and celestial manner of good
learning. Yet so it is that, in the age I am now of, I have
been constrained to learn the Greek tongue—which I contemned
not like Cato, but had not the leisure in my younger years
to attend the study of it—and take much delight in the
reading of Plutarch's Morals, the pleasant Dialogues of
Plato, the Monuments of Pausanias, and the Antiquities of
Athenaeus, in waiting on the hour wherein God my Creator
shall call me and command me to depart from this earth and
transitory pilgrimage. Wherefore, my son, I admonish thee to
employ thy youth to profit as well as thou canst, both in
thy studies and in virtue. Thou art at Paris, where the
laudable examples of many brave men may stir up thy mind to
gallant actions, and hast likewise for thy tutor and
pedagogue the learned Epistemon, who by his lively and vocal
documents may instruct thee in the arts and sciences.
I intend, and will have it so, that thou learn the
languages perfectly; first of all the Greek, as Quintilian
will have it; secondly, the Latin; and then the Hebrew, for
the Holy Scripture sake; and then the Chaldee and Arabic
likewise, and that thou frame thy style in Greek in
imitation of Plato, and for the Latin after Cicero. Let
there be no history which thou shalt not have ready in thy
memory; unto the prosecuting of which design, books of
cosmography will be very conducible and help thee much. Of
the liberal arts of geometry, arithmetic, and music, I gave
thee some taste when thou wert yet little, and not above
five or six years old. Proceed further in them, and learn
the remainder if thou canst. As for astronomy, study all the
rules thereof. Let pass, nevertheless, the divining and
judicial astrology, and the art of Lullius, as being nothing
else but plain abuses and vanities. As for the civil law, of
that I would have thee to know the texts by heart, and then
to confer them with philosophy.
Now, in matter of the knowledge of the works of nature, I
would have thee to study that exactly, and that so there be
no sea, river, nor fountain, of which thou dost not know the
fishes; all the fowls of the air; all the several kinds of
shrubs and trees, whether in forests or orchards; all the
sorts of herbs and flowers that grow upon the ground; all
the various metals that are hid within the bowels of the
earth; together with all the diversity of precious stones
that are to be seen in the orient and south parts of the
world. Let nothing of all these be hidden from thee. Then
fail not most carefully to peruse the books of the Greek,
Arabian, and Latin physicians, not despising the Talmudists
and Cabalists; and by frequent anatomies get thee the
perfect knowledge of the other world, called the microcosm,
which is man. And at some hours of the day apply thy mind to
the study of the Holy Scriptures; first in Greek, the New
Testament, with the Epistles of the Apostles; and then the
Old Testament in Hebrew. In brief, let me see thee an abyss
and bottomless pit of knowledge; for from henceforward, as
thou growest great and becomest a man, thou must part from
this tranquillity and rest of study, thou must learn
chivalry, warfare, and the exercises of the field, the
better thereby to defend my house and our friends, and to
succour and protect them at all their needs against the
invasion and assaults of evildoers.
Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou try how much
thou hast profited, which thou canst not better do than by
maintaining publicly theses and conclusions in all arts
against all persons whatsoever, and by haunting the company
of learned men, both at Paris and otherwhere. But because,
as the wise man Solomon saith, Wisdom entereth not into a
malicious mind, and that knowledge without conscience is but
the ruin of the soul, it behoveth thee to serve, to love, to
fear God, and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all thy
hope, and by faith formed in charity to cleave unto him, so
that thou mayst never be separated from him by thy sins.
Suspect the abuses of the world. Set not thy heart upon
vanity, for this life is transitory, but the Word of the
Lord endureth for ever. Be serviceable to all thy
neighbours, and love them as thyself. Reverence thy
preceptors: shun the conversation of those whom thou
desirest not to resemble, and receive not in vain the graces
which God hath bestowed upon thee. And, when thou shalt see
that thou hast attained to all the knowledge that is to be
acquired in that part, return unto me, that I may see thee
and give thee my blessing before I die. My son, the peace
and grace of our Lord be with thee. Amen.
Thy father Gargantua.
From Utopia the 17th day of the month of March.
These letters being received and read, Pantagruel plucked up his
heart, took a fresh courage to him, and was inflamed with a desire
to profit in his studies more than ever, so that if you had seen
him, how he took pains, and how he advanced in learning, you would
have said that the vivacity of his spirit amidst the books was like
a great fire amongst dry wood, so active it was, vigorous and
indefatigable.
Chapter 2.IX.—How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all
his lifetime.
One day, as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the city,
towards St. Anthony's abbey, discoursing and philosophating with his
own servants and some other scholars, (he) met with a young man of
very comely stature and surpassing handsome in all the lineaments of
his body, but in several parts thereof most pitifully wounded; in
such bad equipage in matter of his apparel, which was but tatters
and rags, and every way so far out of order that he seemed to have
been a-fighting with mastiff-dogs, from whose fury he had made an
escape; or to say better, he looked, in the condition wherein he
then was, like an apple-gatherer of the country of Perche.
As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by,
Do you see that man there, who is a-coming hither upon the road from
Charenton bridge? By my faith, he is only poor in fortune; for I may
assure you that by his physiognomy it appeareth that nature hath
extracted him from some rich and noble race, and that too much
curiosity hath thrown him upon adventures which possibly have
reduced him to this indigence, want, and penury. Now as he was just
amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me entreat you, friend,
that you may be pleased to stop here a little and answer me to that
which I shall ask you, and I am confident you will not think your
time ill bestowed; for I have an extreme desire, according to my
ability, to give you some supply in this distress wherein I see you
are; because I do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves
me to great pity. Therefore, my friend, tell me who you are; whence
you come; whither you go; what you desire; and what your name is.
The companion answered him in the German (The first edition reads
"Dutch.") tongue, thus:
'Junker, Gott geb euch gluck und heil. Furwahr, lieber Junker,
ich lasz euch wissen, das da ihr mich von fragt, ist ein arm und
erbarmlich Ding, und wer viel darvon zu sagen, welches euch
verdrussig zu horen, und mir zu erzelen wer, wiewol die Poeten und
Oratorn vorzeiten haben gesagt in ihren Spruchen und Sentenzen, dasz
die gedechtniss des Elends und Armuth vorlangst erlitten ist eine
grosse Lust.' My friend, said Pantagruel, I have no skill in that
gibberish of yours; therefore, if you would have us to understand
you, speak to us in some other language. Then did the droll answer
him thus:
'Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio falbroth ringuam
albaras. Nin portzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth
dalheben ensouim; kuthim al dum alkatim nim broth dechoth porth min
michais im endoth, pruch dalmaisoulum hol moth danfrihim lupaldas in
voldemoth. Nin hur diavosth mnarbotim dalgousch palfrapin duch im
scoth pruch galeth dal chinon, min foulchrich al conin brutathen
doth dal prin.' Do you understand none of this? said Pantagruel to
the company. I believe, said Epistemon, that this is the language of
the Antipodes, and such a hard one that the devil himself knows not
what to make of it. Then said Pantagruel, Gossip, I know not if the
walls do comprehend the meaning of your words, but none of us here
doth so much as understand one syllable of them. Then said my blade
again:
'Signor mio, voi vedete per essempio, che la cornamusa non suona
mai, s'ella non ha il ventre pieno. Cosi io parimente non vi saprei
contare le mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la
solita refettione. Al quale e adviso che le mani et li denti
habbiano perso il loro ordine naturale et del tutto annichilati.' To
which Epistemon answered, As much of the one as of the other, and
nothing of either. Then said Panurge:
'Lord, if you be so virtuous of intelligence as you be naturally
relieved to the body, you should have pity of me. For nature hath
made us equal, but fortune hath some exalted and others deprived;
nevertheless is virtue often deprived and the virtuous men despised;
for before the last end none is good.' (The following is the passage
as it stands in the first edition. Urquhart seems to have rendered
Rabelais' indifferent English into worse Scotch, and this, with
probably the use of contractions in his MS., or 'the oddness' of
handwriting which he owns to in his Logopandecteision (p.419, Mait.
Club. Edit.), has led to a chaotic jumble, which it is nearly
impossible to reduce to order.—Instead of any attempt to do so, it
is here given verbatim: 'Lard gestholb besua virtuisbe intelligence:
ass yi body scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme pety have; for
natur hass visse equaly maide bot fortune sum exaiti hesse andoyis
deprevit: non yeless iviss mou virtiuss deprevit, and virtuiss men
decreviss for anen ye ladeniss non quid.' Here is a morsel for
critical ingenuity to fix its teeth in.—M.) Yet less, said
Pantagruel. Then said my jolly Panurge:
'Jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde
versela ysser landa. Anbat es otoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray
proposian ordine den. Non yssena bayta facheria egabe gen herassy
badia sadassu noura assia. Aran hondavan gualde cydassu naydassuna.
Estou oussyc eg vinan soury hien er darstura eguy harm. Genicoa
plasar vadu.' Are you there, said Eudemon, Genicoa? To this said
Carpalim, St. Trinian's rammer unstitch your bum, for I had almost
understood it. Then answered Panurge:
'Prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi drhds pag brlelang Gravot
Chavigny Pomardiere rusth pkaldracg Deviniere pres Nays. Couille
kalmuch monach drupp del meupplist rincq drlnd dodelb up drent loch
minc stz rinq jald de vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards.' Do
you speak Christian, said Epistemon, or the buffoon language,
otherwise called Patelinois? Nay, it is the puzlatory tongue, said
another, which some call Lanternois. Then said Panurge:
'Heere, ik en spreeke anders geen taele dan kersten taele: my
dunkt noghtans, al en seg ik u niet een wordt, mynen noot verklaert
genoegh wat ik begeere: geeft my uyt bermhertigheit yets waar van ik
gevoet magh zyn.' To which answered Pantagruel, As much of that.
Then said Panurge:
'Sennor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque yo suplico a
vuestra reverentia que mire a los preceptos evangelicos, para que
ellos movan vuestra reverentia a lo que es de conscientia; y si
ellos non bastaren, para mouer vuestra reverentia a piedad, yo
suplico que mire a la piedad natural, la qual yo creo que le movera
como es de razon: y con esso non digo mas.' Truly, my friend, (said
Pantagruel,) I doubt not but you can speak divers languages; but
tell us that which you would have us to do for you in some tongue
which you conceive we may understand. Then said the companion:
'Min Herre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede, ligesom baern, oc
uskellige creatuure: Mine klaedebon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser
alligeuel klarlig huad ting mig best behof gioris, som er sandelig
mad oc dricke: Huorfor forbarme dig ofuer mig, oc befal at giue mig
noguet, af huilcket ieg kand slyre min giaeendis mage, ligeruiis som
mand Cerbero en suppe forsetter: Saa skalt du lefue laenge oc
lycksalig.' I think really, said Eusthenes, that the Goths spoke
thus of old, and that, if it pleased God, we would all of us speak
so with our tails. Then again said Panurge:
'Adon, scalom lecha: im ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeherah
thithen li kikar lehem: chanchat ub laah al Adonai cho nen ral.' To
which answered Epistemon, At this time have I understood him very
well; for it is the Hebrew tongue most rhetorically pronounced. Then
again said the gallant:
'Despota tinyn panagathe, diati sy mi ouk artodotis? horas gar
limo analiscomenon eme athlion, ke en to metaxy me ouk eleis
oudamos, zetis de par emou ha ou chre. Ke homos philologi pantes
homologousi tote logous te ke remata peritta hyparchin, hopote
pragma afto pasi delon esti. Entha gar anankei monon logi isin, hina
pragmata (hon peri amphisbetoumen), me prosphoros epiphenete.' What?
Said Carpalim, Pantagruel's footman, It is Greek, I have understood
him. And how? hast thou dwelt any while in Greece? Then said the
droll again:
'Agonou dont oussys vous desdagnez algorou: nou den farou zamist
vous mariston ulbrou, fousques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton
dengoulhoust, daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflist nougrou.
Agou paston tol nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhouquys
brol pany gou den bascrou noudous caguons goulfren goul
oustaroppassou.' (In this and the preceding speeches of Panurge, the
Paris Variorum Edition of 1823 has been followed in correcting
Urquhart's text, which is full of inaccuracies.—M.) Methinks I
understand him, said Pantagruel; for either it is the language of my
country of Utopia, or sounds very like it. And, as he was about to
have begun some purpose, the companion said:
'Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasque omnes obtestatus
sum, ut si quae vos pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec
hilum proficio clamans et ejulans. Sinite, quaeso, sinite, viri
impii, quo me fata vocant abire; nec ultra vanis vestris
interpellationibus obtundatis, memores veteris illius adagii, quo
venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur.' Well, my friend, said
Pantagruel, but cannot you speak French? That I can do, sir, very
well, said the companion, God be thanked. It is my natural language
and mother tongue, for I was born and bred in my younger years in
the garden of France, to wit, Touraine. Then, said Pantagruel, tell
us what is your name, and from whence you are come; for, by my
faith, I have already stamped in my mind such a deep impression of
love towards you, that, if you will condescend unto my will, you
shall not depart out of my company, and you and I shall make up
another couple of friends such as Aeneas and Achates were. Sir, said
the companion, my true and proper Christian name is Panurge, and now
I come out of Turkey, to which country I was carried away prisoner
at that time when they went to Metelin with a mischief. And
willingly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which are more
wonderful than those of Ulysses were; but, seeing that it pleaseth
you to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the offer,
protesting never to leave you should you go to all the devils in
hell. We shall have therefore more leisure at another time, and a
fitter opportunity wherein to report them; for at this present I am
in a very urgent necessity to feed; my teeth are sharp, my belly
empty, my throat dry, and my stomach fierce and burning, all is
ready. If you will but set me to work, it will be as good as a
balsamum for sore eyes to see me gulch and raven it. For God's sake,
give order for it. Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry
him home and provide him good store of victuals; which being done,
he ate very well that evening, and, capon-like, went early to bed;
then slept until dinner-time the next day, so that he made but three
steps and one leap from the bed to the board.
Chapter 2.X.—How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a
controversy, which was wonderfully obscure and difficult, that, by
reason of his just decree therein, he was reputed to have a most
admirable judgment.
Pantagruel, very well remembering his father's letter and
admonitions, would one day make trial of his knowledge. Thereupon,
in all the carrefours, that is, throughout all the four quarters,
streets, and corners of the city, he set up conclusions to the
number of nine thousand seven hundred sixty and four, in all manner
of learning, touching in them the hardest doubts that are in any
science. And first of all, in the Fodder Street he held dispute
against all the regents or fellows of colleges, artists or masters
of arts, and orators, and did so gallantly that he overthrew them
and set them all upon their tails. He went afterwards to the
Sorbonne, where he maintained argument against all the theologians
or divines, for the space of six weeks, from four o'clock in the
morning until six in the evening, except an interval of two hours to
refresh themselves and take their repast. And at this were present
the greatest part of the lords of the court, the masters of
requests, presidents, counsellors, those of the accompts,
secretaries, advocates, and others; as also the sheriffs of the said
town, with the physicians and professors of the canon law. Amongst
which, it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were stubborn
jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he took such course with
them that, for all their ergoes and fallacies, he put their backs to
the wall, gravelled them in the deepest questions, and made it
visibly appear to the world that, compared to him, they were but
monkeys and a knot of muffled calves. Whereupon everybody began to
keep a bustling noise and talk of his so marvellous knowledge,
through all degrees of persons of both sexes, even to the very
laundresses, brokers, roast-meat sellers, penknife makers, and
others, who, when he passed along in the street, would say, This is
he! in which he took delight, as Demosthenes, the prince of Greek
orators, did, when an old crouching wife, pointing at him with her
fingers, said, That is the man.
Now at this same very time there was a process or suit in law
depending in court between two great lords, of which one was called
my Lord Kissbreech, plaintiff of one side, and the other my Lord
Suckfist, defendant of the other; whose controversy was so high and
difficult in law that the court of parliament could make nothing of
it. And therefore, by the commandment of the king, there were
assembled four of the greatest and most learned of all the
parliaments of France, together with the great council, and all the
principal regents of the universities, not only of France, but of
England also and Italy, such as Jason, Philippus Decius, Petrus de
Petronibus, and a rabble of other old Rabbinists. Who being thus met
together, after they had thereupon consulted for the space of
six-and-forty weeks, finding that they could not fasten their teeth
in it, nor with such clearness understand the case as that they
might in any manner of way be able to right it, or take up the
difference betwixt the two aforesaid parties, it did so grievously
vex them that they most villainously conshit themselves for shame.
In this great extremity one amongst them, named Du Douhet, the
learnedest of all, and more expert and prudent than any of the rest,
whilst one day they were thus at their wits' end, all-to-be-dunced
and philogrobolized in their brains, said unto them, We have been
here, my masters, a good long space, without doing anything else
than trifle away both our time and money, and can nevertheless find
neither brim nor bottom in this matter, for the more we study about
it the less we understand therein, which is a great shame and
disgrace to us, and a heavy burden to our consciences; yea, such
that in my opinion we shall not rid ourselves of it without
dishonour, unless we take some other course; for we do nothing but
dote in our consultations.
See, therefore, what I have thought upon. You have heard much
talking of that worthy personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath
been found to be learned above the capacity of this present age, by
the proofs he gave in those great disputations which he held
publicly against all men. My opinion is, that we send for him to
confer with him about this business; for never any man will
encompass the bringing of it to an end if he do it not.
Hereunto all the counsellors and doctors willingly agreed, and
according to that their result having instantly sent for him, they
entreated him to be pleased to canvass the process and sift it
thoroughly, that, after a deep search and narrow examination of all
the points thereof, he might forthwith make the report unto them
such as he shall think good in true and legal knowledge. To this
effect they delivered into his hands the bags wherein were the writs
and pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk and weight were
almost enough to lade four great couillard or stoned asses. But
Pantagruel said unto them, Are the two lords between whom this
debate and process is yet living? It was answered him, Yes. To what
a devil, then, said he, serve so many paltry heaps and bundles of
papers and copies which you give me? Is it not better to hear their
controversy from their own mouths whilst they are face to face
before us, than to read these vile fopperies, which are nothing but
trumperies, deceits, diabolical cozenages of Cepola, pernicious
slights and subversions of equity? For I am sure that you, and all
those through whose hands this process has passed, have by your
devices added what you could to it pro et contra in such sort that,
although their difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to
determine at first, you have obscured it and made it more intricate
by the frivolous, sottish, unreasonable, and foolish reasons and
opinions of Accursius, Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de Imola,
Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin, Alexander, Curtius, and those other
old mastiffs, who never understood the least law of the Pandects,
they being but mere blockheads and great tithe calves, ignorant of
all that which was needful for the understanding of the laws; for,
as it is most certain, they had not the knowledge either of the
Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the Gothic and barbarian. The
laws, nevertheless, were first taken from the Greeks, according to
the testimony of Ulpian, L. poster. de origine juris, which we
likewise may perceive by that all the laws are full of Greek words
and sentences. And then we find that they are reduced into a Latin
style the most elegant and ornate that whole language is able to
afford, without excepting that of any that ever wrote therein, nay,
not of Sallust, Varro, Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius, nor Quintilian.
How then could these old dotards be able to understand aright the
text of the laws who never in their time had looked upon a good
Latin book, as doth evidently enough appear by the rudeness of their
style, which is fitter for a chimney-sweeper, or for a cook or a
scullion, than for a jurisconsult and doctor in the laws?
Furthermore, seeing the laws are excerpted out of the middle of
moral and natural philosophy, how should these fools have understood
it, that have, by G—, studied less in philosophy than my mule? In
respect of human learning and the knowledge of antiquities and
history they were truly laden with those faculties as a toad is with
feathers. And yet of all this the laws are so full that without it
they cannot be understood, as I intend more fully to show unto you
in a peculiar treatise which on that purpose I am about to publish.
Therefore, if you will that I take any meddling in this process,
first cause all these papers to be burnt; secondly, make the two
gentlemen come personally before me, and afterwards, when I shall
have heard them, I will tell you my opinion freely without any
feignedness or dissimulation whatsoever.
Some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in
all companies there are more fools than wise men, and that the
greater part always surmounts the better, as saith Titus Livius in
speaking of the Carthaginians. But the foresaid Du Douhet held the
contrary opinion, maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and
what was right, in affirming that these records, bills of inquest,
replies, rejoinders, exceptions, depositions, and other such
diableries of truth-entangling writs, were but engines wherewith to
overthrow justice and unnecessarily to prolong such suits as did
depend before them; and that, therefore, the devil would carry them
all away to hell if they did not take another course and proceeded
not in times coming according to the prescripts of evangelical and
philosophical equity. In fine, all the papers were burnt, and the
two gentlemen summoned and personally convented. At whose appearance
before the court Pantagruel said unto them, Are you they that have
this great difference betwixt you? Yes, my lord, said they. Which of
you, said Pantagruel, is the plaintiff? It is I, said my Lord
Kissbreech. Go to, then, my friend, said he, and relate your matter
unto me from point to point, according to the real truth, or else,
by cock's body, if I find you to lie so much as in one word, I will
make you shorter by the head, and take it from off your shoulders to
show others by your example that in justice and judgment men ought
to speak nothing but the truth. Therefore take heed you do not add
nor impair anything in the narration of your case. Begin.
Chapter 2.XI.—How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead
before Pantagruel without an attorney.
Then began Kissbreech in manner as followeth. My lord, it is true
that a good woman of my house carried eggs to the market to sell. Be
covered, Kissbreech, said Pantagruel. Thanks to you, my lord, said
the Lord Kissbreech; but to the purpose. There passed betwixt the
two tropics the sum of threepence towards the zenith and a
halfpenny, forasmuch as the Riphaean mountains had been that year
oppressed with a great sterility of counterfeit gudgeons and shows
without substance, by means of the babbling tattle and fond fibs
seditiously raised between the gibblegabblers and Accursian
gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the Switzers, who had
assembled themselves to the full number of the bumbees and myrmidons
to go a-handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that
very time when they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of
the coals to the country-girls for serving in of the oats to the
dogs. All the night long they did nothing else, keeping their hands
still upon the pot, but despatch, both on foot and horseback,
leaden-sealed writs or letters, to wit, papal commissions commonly
called bulls, to stop the boats; for the tailors and seamsters would
have made of the stolen shreds and clippings a goodly sagbut to
cover the face of the ocean, which then was great with child of a
potful of cabbage, according to the opinion of the
hay-bundle-makers. But the physicians said that by the urine they
could discern no manifest sign of the bustard's pace, nor how to eat
double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen
of the court should be pleased to give by B.mol express command to
the pox not to run about any longer in gleaning up of coppersmiths
and tinkers; for the jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning
in their dance of the British jig called the estrindore, to a
perfect diapason, with one foot in the fire, and their head in the
middle, as goodman Ragot was wont to say.
Ha, my masters, God moderates all things, and disposeth of them
at his pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a carter broke his
frisking whip, which was all the wind-instrument he had. This was
done at his return from the little paltry town, even then when
Master Antitus of Cressplots was licentiated, and had passed his
degrees in all dullery and blockishness, according to this sentence
of the canonists, Beati Dunces, quoniam ipsi stumblaverunt. But that
which makes Lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of Bry, is for nothing
else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost; yet, on
afore there, ho! a little rain stills a great wind, and we must
think so, seeing that the sergeant hath propounded the matter so far
above my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not with the
benefit thereof lick their fingers, feathered with ganders, so
orbicularly as they were wont in other things to do. And we do
manifestly see that everyone acknowledgeth himself to be in the
error wherewith another hath been charged, reserving only those
cases whereby we are obliged to take an ocular inspection in a
perspective glass of these things towards the place in the chimney
where hangeth the sign of the wine of forty girths, which have been
always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels and
pack-saddles of the bankrupt protectionaries of five years' respite.
Howsoever, at least, he that would not let fly the fowl before the
cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for
the memory is often lost with a wayward shoeing. Well, God keep
Theobald Mitain from all danger! Then said Pantagruel, Hold there!
Ho, my friend, soft and fair, speak at leisure and soberly without
putting yourself in choler. I understand the case,—go on. Now then,
my lord, said Kissbreech, the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez
and audi nos, could not cover herself with a treacherous backblow,
ascending by the wounds and passions of the privileges of the
universities, unless by the virtue of a warming-pan she had
angelically fomented every part of her body in covering them with a
hedge of garden-beds; then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst
(thrust) very near to the place where they sell the old rags whereof
the painters of Flanders make great use when they are about neatly
to clap on shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such like
fly-fowls, so strange to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the
world doth not lay, seeing it is so good to hatch.
Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken
somewhat, whereupon Pantagruel said unto him, St! by St. Anthony's
belly, doth it become thee to speak without command? I sweat here
with the extremity of labour and exceeding toil I take to understand
the proceeding of your mutual difference, and yet thou comest to
trouble and disquiet me. Peace, in the devil's name, peace. Thou
shalt be permitted to speak thy bellyful when this man hath done,
and no sooner. Go on, said he to Kissbreech; speak calmly, and do
not overheat yourself with too much haste.
I perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that the Pragmatical
Sanction did make no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to
everyone gave liberty to fart at his own ease, if that the blankets
had no streaks wherein the liars were to be crossed with a
ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being newly sharpened at Milan
to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the good woman
should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue of a
solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted
fishes, which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary
for understanding the syntax and construction of old boots.
Therefore John Calf, her cousin gervais once removed with a log from
the woodstack, very seriously advised her not to put herself into
the hazard of quagswagging in the lee, to be scoured with a buck of
linen clothes till first she had kindled the paper. This counsel she
laid hold on, because he desired her to take nothing and throw out,
for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia cadit. Matters thus
standing, seeing the masters of the chamber of accompts or members
of that committee did not fully agree amongst themselves in casting
up the number of the Almany whistles, whereof were framed those
spectacles for princes which have been lately printed at Antwerp, I
must needs think that it makes a bad return of the writ, and that
the adverse party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis. For
that, having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the king, I
armed myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of
good venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers
had pinked and cut full of small holes their high-coped caps, to
lecher it the better, and play at in and in. And indeed the time was
very dangerous in coming from the fair, in so far that many trained
bowmen were cast at the muster and quite rejected, although the
chimney-tops were high enough, according to the proportion of the
windgalls in the legs of horses, or of the malanders, which in the
esteem of expert farriers is no better disease, or else the story of
Ronypatifam or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of
a tub or of a roasted horse, savours of apocrypha, and is not an
authentic history. And by this means there was that year great
abundance, throughout all the country of Artois, of tawny buzzing
beetles, to the no small profit of the
gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without
disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with
it again. As for my own part, such is my Christian charity towards
my neighbours, that I could wish from my heart everyone had as good
a voice; it would make us play the better at the tennis and the
balloon. And truly, my lord, to express the real truth without
dissimulation, I cannot but say that those petty subtle devices
which are found out in the etymologizing of pattens would descend
more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for ever at the
millers' bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by
the king of the Canarians, according to the sentence or judgment
given thereupon, which is to be seen in the registry and records
within the clerk's office of this house.
And, therefore, my lord, I do most humbly require, that by your
lordship there may be said and declared upon the case what is
reasonable, with costs, damages, and interests. Then said
Pantagruel, My friend, is this all you have to say? Kissbreech
answered, Yes, my lord, for I have told all the tu autem, and have
not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as one single word.
You then, said Pantagruel, my Lord of Suckfist, say what you will,
and be brief, without omitting, nevertheless, anything that may
serve to the purpose.
Chapter 2.XII.—How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before
Pantagruel.
Then began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth. My lord, and
you my masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seen in
categorical judgment as we can discern flies in a milkpot, the
world's four oxen had not been so eaten up with rats, nor had so
many ears upon the earth been nibbled away so scurvily. For although
all that my adversary hath spoken be of a very soft and downy truth,
in so much as concerns the letter and history of the factum, yet
nevertheless the crafty slights, cunning subtleties, sly cozenages,
and little troubling entanglements are hid under the rosepot, the
common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits.
Should I endure that, when I am eating my pottage equal with the
best, and that without either thinking or speaking any manner of
ill, they rudely come to vex, trouble, and perplex my brains with
that antique proverb which saith,
Who in his pottage-eating drinks will not,
When he is dead and buried, see one jot.
And, good lady, how many great captains have we seen in the day
of battle, when in open field the sacrament was distributed in
luncheons of the sanctified bread of the confraternity, the more
honestly to nod their heads, play on the lute, and crack with their
tails, to make pretty little platform leaps in keeping level by the
ground? But now the world is unshackled from the corners of the
packs of Leicester. One flies out lewdly and becomes debauched;
another, likewise, five, four, and two, and that at such random
that, if the court take not some course therein, it will make as bad
a season in matter of gleaning this year as ever it made, or it will
make goblets. If any poor creature go to the stoves to illuminate
his muzzle with a cowsherd or to buy winter-boots, and that the
sergeants passing by, or those of the watch, happen to receive the
decoction of a clyster or the fecal matter of a close-stool upon
their rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, should any
because of that make bold to clip the shillings and testers and fry
the wooden dishes? Sometimes, when we think one thing, God does
another; and when the sun is wholly set all beasts are in the shade.
Let me never be believed again, if I do not gallantly prove it by
several people who have seen the light of the day.
In the year thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a
middle-sized horse, both high and short, of a wool good enough and
dyed in grain, as the goldsmiths assured me, although the notary put
an &c. in it, I told really that I was not a clerk of so much
learning as to snatch at the moon with my teeth; but, as for the
butter-firkin where Vulcanian deeds and evidences were sealed, the
rumour was, and the report thereof went current, that salt-beef will
make one find the way to the wine without a candle, though it were
hid in the bottom of a collier's sack, and that with his drawers on
he were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and
such arms, thighs, and leg-pieces as are requisite for the well
frying and broiling of a swaggering sauciness. Here is a sheep's
head, and it is well they make a proverb of this, that it is good to
see black cows in burnt wood when one attains to the enjoyment of
his love. I had a consultation upon this point with my masters the
clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum that there is
nothing like to mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean away in
water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens, and penknives, of Lyons
upon the river of Rhone, dolopym dolopof, tarabin tarabas, tut,
prut, pish; for, incontinently after that armour begins to smell of
garlic, the rust will go near to eat the liver, not of him that
wears it, and then do they nothing else but withstand others'
courses, and wryneckedly set up their bristles 'gainst one another,
in lightly passing over their afternoon's sleep, and this is that
which maketh salt so dear. My lords, believe not when the said good
woman had with birdlime caught the shoveler fowl, the better before
a sergeant's witness to deliver the younger son's portion to him,
that the sheep's pluck or hog's haslet did dodge and shrink back in
the usurers' purses, or that there could be anything better to
preserve one from the cannibals than to take a rope of onions, knit
with three hundred turnips, and a little of a calf's chaldern of the
best allay that the alchemists have provided, (and) that they daub
and do over with clay, as also calcinate and burn to dust these
pantoufles, muff in muff out, mouflin mouflard, with the fine sauce
of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst they hide themselves in some
petty mouldwarphole, saving always the little slices of bacon. Now,
if the dice will not favour you with any other throw but ambes-ace
and the chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then
take me your dame, settle her in a corner of the bed, and whisk me
her up drilletrille, there, there, toureloura la la; which when you
have done, take a hearty draught of the best, despicando
grenovillibus, in despite of the frogs, whose fair coarse bebuskined
stockings shall be set apart for the little green geese or mewed
goslings, which, fattened in a coop, take delight to sport
themselves at the wagtail game, waiting for the beating of the metal
and heating of the wax by the slavering drivellers of consolation.
Very true it is, that the four oxen which are in debate, and
whereof mention was made, were somewhat short in memory.
Nevertheless, to understand the game aright, they feared neither the
cormorant nor mallard of Savoy, which put the good people of my
country in great hope that their children some time should become
very skilful in algorism. Therefore is it, that by a law rubric and
special sentence thereof, that we cannot fail to take the wolf if we
make our hedges higher than the windmill, whereof somewhat was
spoken by the plaintiff. But the great devil did envy it, and by
that means put the High Dutches far behind, who played the devils in
swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, trink, mein herr,
trink, trink, by two of my table-men in the corner-point I have
gained the lurch. For it is not probable, nor is there any
appearance of truth in this saying, that at Paris upon a little
bridge the hen is proportionable, and were they as copped and
high-crested as marsh whoops, if veritably they did not sacrifice
the printer's pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new edge set upon them
by text letters or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to
me, so that the headband of the book breed not moths or worms in it.
And put the case that, at the coupling together of the buckhounds,
the little puppies shall have waxed proud before the notary could
have given an account of the serving of his writ by the cabalistic
art, it will necessarily follow, under correction of the better
judgment of the court, that six acres of meadow ground of the
greatest breadth will make three butts of fine ink, without paying
ready money; considering that, at the funeral of King Charles, we
might have had the fathom in open market for one and two, that is,
deuce ace. This I may affirm with a safe conscience, upon my oath of
wool.
And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that, when they go to
the counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a
broom three times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record,
they do nothing but bend a crossbow backwards, and wind a horn, if
perhaps it be too hot, and that, by making it fast to a rope he was
to draw, immediately after the sight of the letters, the cows were
restored to him. Such another sentence after the homeliest manner
was pronounced in the seventeenth year, because of the bad
government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the court to
have regard. I desire to be rightly understood; for truly, I say not
but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may
very well be dispossessed who drink holy water as one would do a
weaver's shuttle, whereof suppositories are made to those that will
not resign, but on the terms of ell and tell and giving of one thing
for another. Tunc, my lords, quid juris pro minoribus? For the
common custom of the Salic law is such, that the first incendiary or
firebrand of sedition that flays the cow and wipes his nose in a
full concert of music without blowing in the cobbler's stitches,
should in the time of the nightmare sublimate the penury of his
member by moss gathered when people are like to founder themselves
at the mess at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white wines
of Anjou that do the fear of the leg in lifting it by horsemen
called the gambetta, and that neck to neck after the fashion of
Brittany, concluding as before with costs, damages, and interests.
After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the
Lord of Kissbreech, My friend, have you a mind to make any reply to
what is said? No, my lord, answered Kissbreech; for I have spoke all
I intended, and nothing but the truth. Therefore, put an end for
God's sake to our difference, for we are here at great charge.
Chapter 2.XIII.—How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference
of the two lords.
Then Pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the presidents,
counsellors, and doctors that were there, and said unto them, Come
now, my masters, you have heard vivae vocis oraculo, the controversy
that is in question; what do you think of it? They answered him, We
have indeed heard it, but have not understood the devil so much as
one circumstance of the case; and therefore we beseech you, una
voce, and in courtesy request you that you would give sentence as
you think good, and, ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satisfied with
it, and do ratify it with our full consents. Well, my masters, said
Pantagruel, seeing you are so pleased, I will do it; but I do not
truly find the case so difficult as you make it. Your paragraph
Caton, the law Frater, the law Gallus, the law Quinque pedum, the
law Vinum, the law Si Dominus, the law Mater, the law Mulier bona,
to the law Si quis, the law Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law
Emptor, the law Praetor, the law Venditor, and a great many others,
are far more intricate in my opinion. After he had spoke this, he
walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding very profoundly, as
one may think; for he did groan like an ass whilst they girth him
too hard, with the very intensiveness of considering how he was
bound in conscience to do right to both parties, without varying or
accepting of persons. Then he returned, sat down, and began to
pronounce sentence as followeth.
Having seen, heard, calculated, and well considered of the
difference between the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist, the court
saith unto them, that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering,
and hoariness of the flickermouse, bravely declining from the
estival solstice, to attempt by private means the surprisal of
toyish trifles in those who are a little unwell for having taken a
draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and vexation of the
beetles that inhabit the diarodal (diarhomal) climate of an
hypocritical ape on horseback, bending a crossbow backwards, the
plaintiff truly had just cause to calfet, or with oakum to stop the
chinks of the galleon which the good woman blew up with wind, having
one foot shod and the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him,
low and stiff in his conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wild
pistaches as there is of hair in eighteen cows, with as much for the
embroiderer, and so much for that. He is likewise declared innocent
of the case privileged from the knapdardies, into the danger whereof
it was thought he had incurred; because he could not jocundly and
with fulness of freedom untruss and dung, by the decision of a pair
of gloves perfumed with the scent of bum-gunshot at the walnut-tree
taper, as is usual in his country of Mirebalais. Slacking,
therefore, the topsail, and letting go the bowline with the brazen
bullets, wherewith the mariners did by way of protestation bake in
pastemeat great store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse, whose
hawk's-bells were made with a puntinaria, after the manner of
Hungary or Flanders lace, and which his brother-in-law carried in a
pannier, lying near to three chevrons or bordered gules, whilst he
was clean out of heart, drooping and crestfallen by the too narrow
sifting, canvassing, and curious examining of the matter in the
angularly doghole of nasty scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the
vermiformal popinjay with the flap made of a foxtail.
But in that he chargeth the defendant that he was a botcher,
cheese-eater, and trimmer of man's flesh embalmed, which in the
arsiversy swagfall tumble was not found true, as by the defendant
was very well discussed.
The court, therefore, doth condemn and amerce him in three
porringers of curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like
pearls, and codpieced after the fashion of the country, to be paid
unto the said defendant about the middle of August in May. But, on
the other part, the defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay
and stubble for stopping the caltrops of his throat, troubled and
impulregafized, with gabardines garbled shufflingly, and friends as
before, without costs and for cause.
Which sentence being pronounced, the two parties departed both
contented with the decree, which was a thing almost incredible. For
it never came to pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur
in thirteen jubilees hereafter, that two parties contradictorily
contending in judgment be equally satisfied and well pleased with
the definitive sentence. As for the counsellors and other doctors in
the law that were there present, they were all so ravished with
admiration at the more than human wisdom of Pantagruel, which they
did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so accurate decision
of this so difficult and thorny cause, that their spirits with the
extremity of the rapture being elevated above the pitch of actuating
the organs of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden ecstasy,
wherein they stayed for the space of three long hours, and had been
so as yet in that condition had not some good people fetched store
of vinegar and rose-water to bring them again unto their former
sense and understanding, for the which God be praised everywhere.
And so be it.
Chapter 2.XIV.—How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out
of the hands of the Turks.
The great wit and judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after
this made known unto all the world by setting forth his praises in
print, and putting upon record this late wonderful proof he hath
given thereof amongst the rolls of the crown and registers of the
palace, in such sort that everybody began to say that Solomon, who
by a probable guess only, without any further certainty, caused the
child to be delivered to its own mother, showed never in his time
such a masterpiece of wisdom as the good Pantagruel hath done. Happy
are we, therefore, that have him in our country. And indeed they
would have made him thereupon master of the requests and president
in the court; but he refused all, very graciously thanking them for
their offer. For, said he, there is too much slavery in these
offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them,
considering the great corruption that is amongst men. Which makes me
believe, if the empty seats of angels be not filled with other kind
of people than those, we shall not have the final judgment these
seven thousand, sixty and seven jubilees yet to come, and so Cusanus
will be deceived in his conjecture. Remember that I have told you of
it, and given you fair advertisement in time and place convenient.
But if you have any hogsheads of good wine, I willingly will
accept of a present of that. Which they very heartily did do, in
sending him of the best that was in the city, and he drank
reasonably well, but poor Panurge bibbed and boused of it most
villainously, for he was as dry as a red-herring, as lean as a rake,
and, like a poor, lank, slender cat, walked gingerly as if he had
trod upon eggs. So that by someone being admonished, in the midst of
his draught of a large deep bowl full of excellent claret with these
words—Fair and softly, gossip, you suck up as if you were mad —I
give thee to the devil, said he; thou hast not found here thy little
tippling sippers of Paris, that drink no more than the little bird
called a spink or chaffinch, and never take in their beakful of
liquor till they be bobbed on the tails after the manner of the
sparrows. O companion! if I could mount up as well as I can get
down, I had been long ere this above the sphere of the moon with
Empedocles. But I cannot tell what a devil this means. This wine is
so good and delicious, that the more I drink thereof the more I am
athirst. I believe that the shadow of my master Pantagruel
engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the moon doth the
catarrhs and defluxions. At which word the company began to laugh,
which Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge, what is that which moves
you to laugh so? Sir, said he, I was telling them that these
devilish Turks are very unhappy in that they never drink one drop of
wine, and that though there were no other harm in all Mahomet's
Alcoran, yet for this one base point of abstinence from wine which
therein is commanded, I would not submit myself unto their law. But
now tell me, said Pantagruel, how you escaped out of their hands. By
G—, sir, said Panurge, I will not lie to you in one word.
The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a
rabbit, for I was so dry and meagre that otherwise of my flesh they
would have made but very bad meat, and in this manner began to roast
me alive. As they were thus roasting me, I recommended myself unto
the divine grace, having in my mind the good St. Lawrence, and
always hoped in God that he would deliver me out of this torment.
Which came to pass, and that very strangely. For as I did commit
myself with all my heart unto God, crying, Lord God, help me! Lord
God, save me! Lord God, take me out of this pain and hellish
torture, wherein these traitorous dogs detain me for my sincerity in
the maintenance of thy law! The roaster or turnspit fell asleep by
the divine will, or else by the virtue of some good Mercury, who
cunningly brought Argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes. When
I saw that he did no longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him,
and perceived that he was fast asleep. Then took I up in my teeth a
firebrand by the end where it was not burnt, and cast it into the
lap of my roaster, and another did I throw as well as I could under
a field-couch that was placed near to the chimney, wherein was the
straw-bed of my master turnspit. Presently the fire took hold in the
straw, and from the straw to the bed, and from the bed to the loft,
which was planked and ceiled with fir, after the fashion of the foot
of a lamp. But the best was, that the fire which I had cast into the
lap of my paltry roaster burnt all his groin, and was beginning to
cease (seize) upon his cullions, when he became sensible of the
danger, for his smelling was not so bad but that he felt it sooner
than he could have seen daylight. Then suddenly getting up, and in a
great amazement running to the window, he cried out to the streets
as high as he could, Dal baroth, dal baroth, dal baroth, which is as
much to say as Fire, fire, fire. Incontinently turning about, he
came straight towards me to throw me quite into the fire, and to
that effect had already cut the ropes wherewith my hands were tied,
and was undoing the cords from off my feet, when the master of the
house hearing him cry Fire, and smelling the smoke from the very
street where he was walking with some other Bashaws and Mustaphas,
ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to carry
away his jewels. Yet such was his rage, before he could well resolve
how to go about it, that he caught the broach whereon I was spitted
and therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which wound he died
there for want of government or otherwise; for he ran him in with
the spit a little above the navel, towards the right flank, till he
pierced the third lappet of his liver, and the blow slanting upwards
from the midriff or diaphragm, through which it had made
penetration, the spit passed athwart the pericardium or capsule of
his heart, and came out above at his shoulders, betwixt the spondyls
or turning joints of the chine of the back and the left homoplat,
which we call the shoulder-blade.
True it is, for I will not lie, that, in drawing the spit out of
my body I fell to the ground near unto the andirons, and so by the
fall took some hurt, which indeed had been greater, but that the
lardons, or little slices of bacon wherewith I was stuck, kept off
the blow. My Bashaw then seeing the case to be desperate, his house
burnt without remission, and all his goods lost, gave himself over
unto all the devils in hell, calling upon some of them by their
names, Grilgoth, Astaroth, Rappalus, and Gribouillis, nine several
times. Which when I saw, I had above sixpence' worth of fear,
dreading that the devils would come even then to carry away this
fool, and, seeing me so near him, would perhaps snatch me up to. I
am already, thought I, half roasted, and my lardons will be the
cause of my mischief; for these devils are very liquorous of
lardons, according to the authority which you have of the
philosopher Jamblicus, and Murmault, in the Apology of Bossutis,
adulterated pro magistros nostros. But for my better security I made
the sign of the cross, crying, Hageos, athanatos, ho theos, and none
came. At which my rogue Bashaw being very much aggrieved would, in
transpiercing his heart with my spit, have killed himself, and to
that purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter,
because it was not sharp enough. Whereupon I perceiving that he was
not like to work upon his body the effect which he intended,
although he did not spare all the force he had to thrust it forward,
came up to him and said, Master Bugrino, thou dost here but trifle
away thy time, or rashly lose it, for thou wilt never kill thyself
thus as thou doest. Well, thou mayst hurt or bruise somewhat within
thee, so as to make thee languish all thy lifetime most pitifully
amongst the hands of the chirurgeons; but if thou wilt be counselled
by me, I will kill thee clear outright, so that thou shalt not so
much as feel it, and trust me, for I have killed a great many
others, who have found themselves very well after it. Ha, my friend,
said he, I prithee do so, and for thy pains I will give thee my
codpiece (budget); take, here it is, there are six hundred seraphs
in it, and some fine diamonds and most excellent rubies. And where
are they? said Epistemon. By St. John, said Panurge, they are a good
way hence, if they always keep going. But where is the last year's
snow? This was the greatest care that Villon the Parisian poet took.
Make an end, said Pantagruel, that we may know how thou didst dress
thy Bashaw. By the faith of an honest man, said Panurge, I do not
lie in one word. I swaddled him in a scurvy swathel-binding which I
found lying there half burnt, and with my cords tied him
roister-like both hand and foot, in such sort that he was not able
to wince; then passed my spit through his throat, and hanged him
thereon, fastening the end thereof at two great hooks or crampirons,
upon which they did hang their halberds; and then, kindling a fair
fire under him, did flame you up my Milourt, as they use to do dry
herrings in a chimney. With this, taking his budget and a little
javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, I ran away a fair
gallop-rake, and God he knows how I did smell my shoulder of mutton.
When I was come down into the street, I found everybody come to
put out the fire with store of water, and seeing me so half-roasted,
they did naturally pity my case, and threw all their water upon me,
which, by a most joyful refreshing of me, did me very much good.
Then did they present me with some victuals, but I could not eat
much, because they gave me nothing to drink but water after their
fashion. Other hurt they did me none, only one little villainous
Turkey knobbreasted rogue came thiefteously to snatch away some of
my lardons, but I gave him such a sturdy thump and sound rap on the
fingers with all the weight of my javelin, that he came no more the
second time. Shortly after this there came towards me a pretty young
Corinthian wench, who brought me a boxful of conserves, of round
Mirabolan plums, called emblicks, and looked upon my poor robin with
an eye of great compassion, as it was flea-bitten and pinked with
the sparkles of the fire from whence it came, for it reached no
farther in length, believe me, than my knees. But note that this
roasting cured me entirely of a sciatica, whereunto I had been
subject above seven years before, upon that side which my roaster by
falling asleep suffered to be burnt.
Now, whilst they were thus busy about me, the fire triumphed,
never ask how? For it took hold on above two thousand houses, which
one of them espying cried out, saying, By Mahoom's belly, all the
city is on fire, and we do nevertheless stand gazing here, without
offering to make any relief. Upon this everyone ran to save his own;
for my part, I took my way towards the gate. When I was got upon the
knap of a little hillock not far off, I turned me about as did Lot's
wife, and, looking back, saw all the city burning in a fair fire,
whereat I was so glad that I had almost beshit myself for joy. But
God punished me well for it. How? said Pantagruel. Thus, said
Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld this jolly fire, jesting
with myself, and saying—Ha! poor flies, ha! poor mice, you will have
a bad winter of it this year; the fire is in your reeks, it is in
your bed-straw—out come more than six, yea, more than thirteen
hundred and eleven dogs, great and small, altogether out of the
town, flying away from the fire. At the first approach they ran all
upon me, being carried on by the scent of my lecherous half-roasted
flesh, and had even then devoured me in a trice, if my good angel
had not well inspired me with the instruction of a remedy very
sovereign against the toothache. And wherefore, said Pantagruel,
wert thou afraid of the toothache or pain of the teeth? Wert thou
not cured of thy rheums? By Palm Sunday, said Panurge, is there any
greater pain of the teeth than when the dogs have you by the legs?
But on a sudden, as my good angel directed me, I thought upon my
lardons, and threw them into the midst of the field amongst them.
Then did the dogs run, and fight with one another at fair teeth
which should have the lardons. By this means they left me, and I
left them also bustling with and hairing one another. Thus did I
escape frolic and lively, gramercy roastmeat and cookery.
Chapter 2.XV.—How Panurge showed a very new way to build the
walls of Paris.
Pantagruel one day, to refresh himself of his study, went
a-walking towards St. Marcel's suburbs, to see the extravagancy of
the Gobeline building, and to taste of their spiced bread. Panurge
was with him, having always a flagon under his gown and a good slice
of a gammon of bacon; for without this he never went, saying that it
was as a yeoman of the guard to him, to preserve his body from harm.
Other sword carried he none; and, when Pantagruel would have given
him one, he answered that he needed none, for that it would but heat
his milt. Yea but, said Epistemon, if thou shouldst be set upon, how
wouldst thou defend thyself? With great buskinades or brodkin blows,
answered he, provided thrusts were forbidden. At their return,
Panurge considered the walls of the city of Paris, and in derision
said to Pantagruel, See what fair walls here are! O how strong they
are, and well fitted to keep geese in a mew or coop to fatten them!
By my beard, they are competently scurvy for such a city as this is;
for a cow with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms
of them. O my friend, said Pantagruel, dost thou know what Agesilaus
said when he was asked why the great city of Lacedaemon was not
enclosed with walls? Lo here, said he, the walls of the city! in
showing them the inhabitants and citizens thereof, so strong, so
well armed, and so expert in military discipline; signifying thereby
that there is no wall but of bones, and that towns and cities cannot
have a surer wall nor better fortification than the prowess and
virtue of the citizens and inhabitants. So is this city so strong,
by the great number of warlike people that are in it, that they care
not for making any other walls. Besides, whosoever would go about to
wall it, as Strasbourg, Orleans, or Ferrara, would find it almost
impossible, the cost and charges would be so excessive. Yea but,
said Panurge, it is good, nevertheless, to have an outside of stone
when we are invaded by our enemies, were it but to ask, Who is below
there? As for the enormous expense which you say would be needful
for undertaking the great work of walling this city about, if the
gentlemen of the town will be pleased to give me a good rough cup of
wine, I will show them a pretty, strange, and new way, how they may
build them good cheap. How? said Pantagruel. Do not speak of it
then, answered Panurge, and I will tell it you. I see that the sine
quo nons, kallibistris, or contrapunctums of the women of this
country are better cheap than stones. Of them should the walls be
built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of architecture,
and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping downwards
ridge-wise, like the back of an ass. The middle-sized ones must be
ranked next, and last of all the least and smallest. This done,
there must be a fine little interlacing of them, like points of
diamonds, as is to be seen in the great tower of Bourges, with a
like number of the nudinnudos, nilnisistandos, and stiff bracmards,
that dwell in amongst the claustral codpieces. What devil were able
to overthrow such walls? There is no metal like it to resist blows,
in so far that, if culverin-shot should come to graze upon it, you
would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed fruit of the
great pox as small as rain. Beware, in the name of the devils, and
hold off. Furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning would fall upon
it. For why? They are all either blest or consecrated. I see but one
inconveniency in it. Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha! said Pantagruel, and what
is that? It is, that the flies would be so liquorish of them that
you would wonder, and would quickly gather there together, and there
leave their ordure and excretions, and so all the work would be
spoiled. But see how that might be remedied: they must be wiped and
made rid of the flies with fair foxtails, or great good viedazes,
which are ass-pizzles, of Provence. And to this purpose I will tell
you, as we go to supper, a brave example set down by Frater Lubinus,
Libro de compotationibus mendicantium.
In the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three
days since, a poor lion, walking through the forest of Bieure, and
saying his own little private devotions, passed under a tree where
there was a roguish collier gotten up to cut down wood, who, seeing
the lion, cast his hatchet at him and wounded him enormously in one
of his legs; whereupon the lion halting, he so long toiled and
turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the forest to find help,
that at last he met with a carpenter, who willingly looked upon his
wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and filled it with moss,
telling him that he must wipe his wound well that the flies might
not do their excrements in it, whilst he should go search for some
yarrow or millefoil, commonly called the carpenter's herb. The lion,
being thus healed, walked along in the forest at what time a
sempiternous crone and old hag was picking up and gathering some
sticks in the said forest, who, seeing the lion coming towards her,
for fear fell down backwards, in such sort that the wind blew up her
gown, coats, and smock, even as far as above her shoulders; which
the lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she had taken any
hurt by the fall, and thereupon considering her how do you call it,
said, O poor woman, who hath thus wounded thee? Which words when he
had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he called to come to him saying,
Gossip Reynard, hau, hither, hither, and for cause! When the fox was
come, he said unto him, My gossip and friend, they have hurt this
good woman here between the legs most villainously, and there is a
manifest solution of continuity. See how great a wound it is, even
from the tail up to the navel, in measure four, nay full five
handfuls and a half. This is the blow of a hatchet, I doubt me; it
is an old wound, and therefore, that the flies may not get into it,
wipe it lustily well and hard, I prithee, both within and without;
thou hast a good tail, and long. Wipe, my friend, wipe, I beseech
thee, and in the meanwhile I will go get some moss to put into it;
for thus ought we to succour and help one another. Wipe it hard,
thus, my friend; wipe it well, for this wound must be often wiped,
otherwise the party cannot be at ease. Go to, wipe well, my little
gossip, wipe; God hath furnished thee with a tail; thou hast a long
one, and of a bigness proportionable; wipe hard, and be not weary. A
good wiper, who, in wiping continually, wipeth with his wipard, by
wasps shall never be wounded. Wipe, my pretty minion; wipe, my
little bully; I will not stay long. Then went he to get store of
moss; and when he was a little way off, he cried out in speaking to
the fox thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe, and let it never grieve
thee to wipe well, my little gossip; I will put thee into service to
be wiper to Don Pedro de Castile; wipe, only wipe, and no more. The
poor fox wiped as hard as he could, here and there, within and
without; but the false old trot did so fizzle and fist that she
stunk like a hundred devils, which put the poor fox to a great deal
of ill ease, for he knew not to what side to turn himself to escape
the unsavoury perfume of this old woman's postern blasts. And whilst
to that effect he was shifting hither and thither, without knowing
how to shun the annoyance of those unwholesome gusts, he saw that
behind there was yet another hole, not so great as that which he did
wipe, out of which came this filthy and infectious air. The lion at
last returned, bringing with him of moss more than eighteen packs
would hold, and began to put into the wound with a staff which he
had provided for that purpose, and had already put in full sixteen
packs and a half, at which he was amazed. What a devil! said he,
this wound is very deep; it would hold above two cartloads of moss.
The fox, perceiving this, said unto the lion, O gossip lion, my
friend, I pray thee do not put in all thy moss there; keep somewhat,
for there is yet here another little hole, that stinks like five
hundred devils; I am almost choked with the smell thereof, it is so
pestiferous and empoisoning.
Thus must these walls be kept from the flies, and wages allowed
to some for wiping of them. Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know
that the privy parts of women are at such a cheap rate? For in this
city there are many virtuous, honest, and chaste women besides the
maids. Et ubi prenus? said Panurge. I will give you my opinion of
it, and that upon certain and assured knowledge. I do not brag that
I have bumbasted four hundred and seventeen since I came into this
city, though it be but nine days ago; but this very morning I met
with a good fellow, who, in a wallet such as Aesop's was, carried
two little girls of two or three years old at the most, one before
and the other behind. He demanded alms of me, but I made him answer
that I had more cods than pence. Afterwards I asked him, Good man,
these two girls, are they maids? Brother, said he, I have carried
them thus these two years, and in regard of her that is before, whom
I see continually, in my opinion she is a virgin, nevertheless I
will not put my finger in the fire for it; as for her that is
behind, doubtless I can say nothing.
Indeed, said Pantagruel, thou art a gentle companion; I will have
thee to be apparelled in my livery. And therefore caused him to be
clothed most gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only
that Panurge would have the codpiece of his breeches three foot
long, and in shape square, not round; which was done, and was well
worth the seeing. Oftentimes was he wont to say, that the world had
not yet known the emolument and utility that is in wearing great
codpieces; but time would one day teach it them, as all things have
been invented in time. God keep from hurt, said he, the good fellow
whose long codpiece or braguet hath saved his life! God keep from
hurt him whose long braguet hath been worth to him in one day one
hundred threescore thousand and nine crowns! God keep from hurt him
who by his long braguet hath saved a whole city from dying by
famine! And, by G-, I will make a book of the commodity of long
braguets when I shall have more leisure. And indeed he composed a
fair great book with figures, but it is not printed as yet that I
know of.
Chapter 2.XVI.—Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge.
Panurge was of a middle stature, not too high nor too low, and
had somewhat an aquiline nose, made like the handle of a razor. He
was at that time five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to
gild like a leaden dagger—for he was a notable cheater and
coney-catcher—he was a very gallant and proper man of his person,
only that he was a little lecherous, and naturally subject to a kind
of disease which at that time they called lack of money—it is an
incomparable grief, yet, notwithstanding, he had three score and
three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most honourable
and most ordinary was in manner of thieving, secret purloining and
filching, for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cozener, drinker,
roister, rover, and a very dissolute and debauched fellow, if there
were any in Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and
most virtuous man in the world; and he was still contriving some
plot, and devising mischief against the sergeants and the watch.
At one time he assembled three or four especial good hacksters
and roaring boys, made them in the evening drink like Templars,
afterwards led them till they came under St. Genevieve, or about the
college of Navarre, and, at the hour that the watch was coming up
that way—which he knew by putting his sword upon the pavement, and
his ear by it, and, when he heard his sword shake, it was an
infallible sign that the watch was near at that instant—then he and
his companions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and gave it the brangle,
hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so overthrew all
the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other side;
for in less than two days he knew all the streets, lanes, and
turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det.
At another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch
was to pass, a train of gunpowder, and, at the very instant that
they went along, set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see
what good grace they had in running away, thinking that St.
Anthony's fire had caught them by the legs. As for the poor masters
of arts, he did persecute them above all others. When he encountered
with any of them upon the street, he would not never fail to put
some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit of a fried
turd in their graduate hoods, at other times pinning on little
foxtails or hares'-ears behind them, or some such other roguish
prank. One day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder
Street (Sorbonne), he made a Borbonesa tart, or filthy and slovenly
compound, made of store of garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of
dogs' turds very warm, which he steeped, tempered, and liquefied in
the corrupt matter of pocky boils and pestiferous botches; and, very
early in the morning therewith anointed all the pavement, in such
sort that the devil could not have endured it, which made all these
good people there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was upon
their stomachs before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox;
and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became
lepers, eighteen grew lousy, and about seven and twenty had the pox,
but he did not care a button for it. He commonly carried a whip
under his gown, wherewith he whipped without remission the pages
whom he found carrying wine to their masters, to make them mend
their pace. In his coat he had above six and twenty little fobs and
pockets always full; one with some lead-water, and a little knife as
sharp as a glover's needle, wherewith he used to cut purses; another
with some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the eyes of
those he met; another with clotburrs, penned with little geese' or
capon's feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest
people, and often made them fair horns, which they wore about all
the city, sometimes all their life. Very often, also, upon the
women's French hoods would he stick in the hind part somewhat made
in the shape of a man's member. In another, he had a great many
little horns full of fleas and lice, which he borrowed from the
beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them with small canes or quills to
write with into the necks of the daintiest gentlewomen that he could
find, yea, even in the church, for he never seated himself above in
the choir, but always sat in the body of the church amongst the
women, both at mass, at vespers, and at sermon. In another, he used
to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewith he would couple
men and women together that sat in company close to one another, but
especially those that wore gowns of crimson taffeties, that, when
they were about to go away, they might rend all their gowns. In
another, he had a squib furnished with tinder, matches, stones to
strike fire, and all other tackling necessary for it. In another,
two or three burning glasses, wherewith he made both men and women
sometimes mad, and in the church put them quite out of countenance;
for he said that there was but an antistrophe, or little more
difference than of a literal inversion, between a woman folle a la
messe and molle a la fesse, that is, foolish at the mass and of a
pliant buttock.
In another, he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith
he did a thousand little devilish pranks. One time, at the entry of
the palace unto the great hall, where a certain grey friar or
cordelier was to say mass to the counsellors, he did help to apparel
him and put on his vestments, but in the accoutring of him he sewed
on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his gown and shirt, and then
withdrew himself when the said lords of the court or counsellors
came to hear the said mass; but when it came to the Ite, missa est,
that the poor frater would have laid by his stole or surplice, as
the fashion then was, he plucked off withal both his frock and
shirt, which were well sewed together, and thereby stripping himself
up to the very shoulders showed his bel vedere to all the world,
together with his Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may
imagine. And the friar still kept haling, but so much the more did
he discover himself and lay open his back parts, till one of the
lords of the court said, How now! what's the matter? Will this fair
father make us here an offering of his tail to kiss it? Nay, St.
Anthony's fire kiss it for us! From thenceforth it was ordained that
the poor fathers should never disrobe themselves any more before the
world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call it;
especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to
the sin of longing and disordinate desire. The people then asked why
it was the friars had so long and large genitories? The said Panurge
resolved the problem very neatly, saying, That which makes asses to
have such great ears is that their dams did put no biggins on their
heads, as Alliaco mentioneth in his Suppositions. By the like
reason, that which makes the genitories or generation-tools of those
so fair fraters so long is, for that they wear no bottomed breeches,
and therefore their jolly member, having no impediment, hangeth
dangling at liberty as far as it can reach, with a wiggle-waggle
down to their knees, as women carry their paternoster beads. and the
cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is, that in
this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the
said member. For, according to the Legists, agitation and continual
motion is cause of attraction.
Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called
stone-alum, whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women
whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately, which did so
ticklishly gall them, that some would strip themselves in the open
view of the world, and others dance like a cock upon hot embers, or
a drumstick on a tabor. Others, again, ran about the streets, and he
would run after them. To such as were in the stripping vein he would
very civilly come to offer his attendance, and cover them with his
cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man.
Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil,
wherewith, when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit,
he would grease, smutch, and spoil all the best parts of it under
colour and pretence of touching them, saying, This is good cloth;
this is good satin; good taffeties! Madam, God give you all that
your noble heart desireth! You have a new suit, pretty sir;—and you
a new gown, sweet mistress;—God give you joy of it, and maintain you
in all prosperity! And with this would lay his hand upon their
shoulder, at which touch such a villainous spot was left behind, so
enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soul, body, and
reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away.
Then, upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not
fall, for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you
put your foot, you will quite spoil yourself.
Another he had all full of euphorbium, very finely pulverized. In
that powder did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously wrought, which
he had stolen from a pretty seamstress of the palace, in taking away
a louse from off her bosom which he had put there himself, and, when
he came into the company of some good ladies, he would trifle them
into a discourse of some fine workmanship of bone-lace, then
immediately put his hand into their bosom, asking them, And this
work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and then drew out his
handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here is, it is of
Foutignan or of Fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose, made
them sneeze for four hours without ceasing. In the meanwhile he
would fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now,
do you fart, Panurge? No, no, madam, said he, I do but tune my tail
to the plain song of the music which you make with your nose. In
another he had a picklock, a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some
other iron tools, wherewith there was no door nor coffer which he
would not pick open. He had another full of little cups, wherewith
he played very artificially, for he had his fingers made to his
hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had heretofore cried
treacle. And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any other piece
of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox if Panurge had
not at every time made five or six sols (that is, some six or seven
pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly, and manifestly, without
making any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt
nothing but the wind.
Chapter 2.XVII.—How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the
old women, and of the suit in law which he had at Paris.
One day I found Panurge very much out of countenance,
melancholic, and silent; which made me suspect that he had no money;
whereupon I said unto him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well
perceive by your physiognomy, and I know the disease. You have a
flux in your purse; but take no care. I have yet sevenpence
halfpenny that never saw father nor mother, which shall not be
wanting, no more than the pox, in your necessity. Whereunto he
answered me, Well, well; for money one day I shall have but too
much, for I have a philosopher's stone which attracts money out of
men's purses as the adamant doth iron. But will you go with me to
gain the pardons? said he. By my faith, said I, I am no great
pardon-taker in this world—if I shall be any such in the other, I
cannot tell; yet let us go, in God's name; it is but one farthing
more or less; But, said he, lend me then a farthing upon interest.
No, no, said I; I will give it you freely, and from my heart. Grates
vobis dominos, said he.
So we went along, beginning at St. Gervase, and I got the pardons
at the first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth
me. Then did I say my small suffrages and the prayers of St. Brigid;
but he gained them all at the boxes, and always gave money to
everyone of the pardoners. From thence we went to Our Lady's Church,
to St. John's, to St. Anthony's, and so to the other churches, where
there was a banquet (bank) of pardons. For my part, I gained no more
of them, but he at all the boxes kissed the relics, and gave at
everyone. To be brief, when we were returned, he brought me to drink
at the castle-tavern, and there showed me ten or twelve of his
little bags full of money, at which I blessed myself, and made the
sign of the cross, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in
so little time? Unto which he answered me that he had taken it out
of the basins of the pardons. For in giving them the first farthing,
said he, I put it in with such sleight of hand and so dexterously
that it appeared to be a threepence; thus with one hand I took
threepence, ninepence, or sixpence at the least, and with the other
as much, and so through all the churches where we have been. Yea
but, said I, you damn yourself like a snake, and are withal a thief
and sacrilegious person. True, said he, in your opinion, but I am
not of that mind; for the pardoners do give me it, when they say
unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, Centuplum accipies, that
is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is
spoken according to the manner of the Hebrews, who use the future
tense instead of the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges
Dominum, that is, Dilige. Even so, when the pardon-bearer says to
me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning is, Centuplum accipe; and so
doth Rabbi Kimy and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound it, and all the
Massorets, et ibi Bartholus. Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me fifteen
hundred francs of yearly pension, which in English money is a
hundred and fifty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical revenues and
treasure, for having cured him of a cankerous botch, which did so
torment him that he thought to have been a cripple by it all his
life. Thus I do pay myself at my own hand, for otherwise I get
nothing upon the said ecclesiastical treasure. Ho, my friend! said
he, if thou didst know what advantage I made, and how well I
feathered my nest, by the Pope's bull of the crusade, thou wouldst
wonder exceedingly. It was worth to me above six thousand florins,
in English coin six hundred pounds. And what a devil is become of
them? said I; for of that money thou hast not one halfpenny. They
returned from whence they came, said he; they did no more but change
their master.
But I employed at least three thousand of them, that is, three
hundred pounds English, in marrying—not young virgins, for they find
but too many husbands—but great old sempiternous trots which had not
so much as one tooth in their heads; and that out of the
consideration I had that these good old women had very well spent
the time of their youth in playing at the close-buttock game to all
comers, serving the foremost first, till no man would have any more
dealing with them. And, by G—, I will have their skin-coat shaken
once yet before they die. By this means, to one I gave a hundred
florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according
to that they were infamous, detestable, and abominable. For, by how
much the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more
must I needs have given them, otherwise the devil would not have
jummed them. Presently I went to some great and fat wood-porter, or
such like, and did myself make the match. But, before I did show him
the old hags, I made a fair muster to him of the crowns, saying,
Good fellow, see what I will give thee if thou wilt but condescend
to duffle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good time. Then began the
poor rogues to gape like old mules, and I caused to be provided for
them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of spiceries, to
put the old women in rut and heat of lust. To be short, they
occupied all, like good souls; only, to those that were horribly
ugly and ill-favoured, I caused their head to be put within a bag,
to hide their face.
Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law. And
what lawsuits couldst thou have? said I; thou hast neither house nor
lands. My friend, said he, the gentlewomen of this city had found
out, by the instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of
high-mounted bands and neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely
cover their bosoms that men could no more put their hands under. For
they had put the slit behind, and those neckcloths were wholly shut
before, whereat the poor sad contemplative lovers were much
discontented. Upon a fair Tuesday I presented a petition to the
court, making myself a party against the said gentlewomen, and
showing the great interest that I pretended therein, protesting that
by the same reason I would cause the codpiece of my breeches to be
sewed behind, if the court would not take order for it. In sum, the
gentlewomen put in their defences, showing the grounds they went
upon, and constituted their attorney for the prosecuting of the
cause. But I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the
court it was decreed those high neckcloths should be no longer worn
if they were not a little cleft and open before; but it cost me a
good sum of money. I had another very filthy and beastly process
against the dung-farmer called Master Fifi and his deputies, that
they should no more read privily the pipe, puncheon, nor quart of
sentences, but in fair full day, and that in the Fodder schools, in
face of the Arrian (Artitian) sophisters, where I was ordained to
pay the charges, by reason of some clause mistaken in the relation
of the sergeant. Another time I framed a complaint to the court
against the mules of the presidents, counsellors, and others,
tending to this purpose, that, when in the lower court of the palace
they left them to champ on their bridles, some bibs were made for
them (by the counsellors' wives), that with their drivelling they
might not spoil the pavement; to the end that the pages of the
palace what play upon it with their dice, or at the game of coxbody,
at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches at the knees. And
for this I had a fair decree, but it cost me dear. Now reckon up
what expense I was at in little banquets which from day to day I
made to the pages of the palace. And to what end? said I. My friend,
said he, thou hast no pastime at all in this world. I have more than
the king, and if thou wilt join thyself with me, we will do the
devil together. No, no, said I; by St. Adauras, that will I not, for
thou wilt be hanged one time or another. And thou, said he, wilt be
interred some time or other. Now which is most honourable, the air
or the earth? Ho, grosse pecore!
Whilst the pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and
to someone I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side till it
hang but by a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffguts of
the counsellor or some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may
fall flat on his side like a pork, and so furnish the spectators
with more than a hundred francs' worth of laughter. But I laugh yet
further to think how at his home-coming the master-page is to be
whipped like green rye, which makes me not to repent what I have
bestowed in feasting them. In brief, he had, as I said before, three
score and three ways to acquire money, but he had two hundred and
fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking.
Chapter 2.XVIII.—How a great scholar of England would have
argued against Pantagruel, and was overcome by Panurge.
In that same time a certain learned man named Thaumast, hearing
the fame and renown of Pantagruel's incomparable knowledge, came out
of his own country of England with an intent only to see him, to try
thereby and prove whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it
was reported to be. In this resolution being arrived at Paris, he
went forthwith unto the house of the said Pantagruel, who was lodged
in the palace of St. Denis, and was then walking in the garden
thereof with Panurge, philosophizing after the fashion of the
Peripatetics. At his first entrance he startled, and was almost out
of his wits for fear, seeing him so great and so tall. Then did he
salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, Very
true it is, saith Plato the prince of philosophers, that if the
image and knowledge of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes
of mortals, it would stir up all the world to admire her. Which we
may the rather believe that the very bare report thereof, scattered
in the air, if it happen to be received into the ears of men, who,
for being studious and lovers of virtuous things are called
philosophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet, but
so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to run unto the place
where the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said to have
built her temple and uttered her oracles. As it was manifestly shown
unto us in the Queen of Sheba, who came from the utmost borders of
the East and Persian Sea, to see the order of Solomon's house and to
hear his wisdom; in Anacharsis, who came out of Scythia, even unto
Athens, to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who travelled far to visit the
memphitical vaticinators; in Plato, who went a great way off to see
the magicians of Egypt, and Architus of Tarentum; in Apollonius
Tyaneus, who went as far as unto Mount Caucasus, passed along the
Scythians, the Massagetes, the Indians, and sailed over the great
river Phison, even to the Brachmans to see Hiarchus; as likewise
unto Babylon, Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Parthia, Syria, Phoenicia,
Arabia, Palestina, and Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, to see the
Gymnosophists. The like example have we of Titus Livius, whom to see
and hear divers studious persons came to Rome from the confines of
France and Spain. I dare not reckon myself in the number of those so
excellent persons, but well would be called studious, and a lover,
not only of learning, but of learned men also. And indeed, having
heard the report of your so inestimable knowledge, I have left my
country, my friends, my kindred, and my house, and am come thus far,
valuing at nothing the length of the way, the tediousness of the
sea, nor strangeness of the land, and that only to see you and to
confer with you about some passages in philosophy, of geomancy, and
of the cabalistic art, whereof I am doubtful and cannot satisfy my
mind; which if you can resolve, I yield myself unto you for a slave
henceforward, together with all my posterity, for other gift have I
none that I can esteem a recompense sufficient for so great a
favour. I will reduce them into writing, and to-morrow publish them
to all the learned men in the city, that we may dispute publicly
before them.
But see in what manner I mean that we shall dispute. I will not
argue pro et contra, as do the sottish sophisters of this town and
other places. Likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the
Academics by declamation; nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont
to do, and as Picus de la Mirandula did of late at Rome. But I will
dispute by signs only without speaking, for the matters are so
abstruse, hard, and arduous, that words proceeding from the mouth of
man will never be sufficient for unfolding of them to my liking. May
it, therefore, please your magnificence to be there; it shall be at
the great hall of Navarre at seven o'clock in the morning. When he
had spoken these words, Pantagruel very honourably said unto him:
Sir, of the graces that God hath bestowed upon me, I would not deny
to communicate unto any man to my power. For whatever comes from him
is good, and his pleasure is that it should be increased when we
come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial manna of
honest literature. In which number, because that in this time, as I
do already very plainly perceive, thou holdest the first rank, I
give thee notice that at all hours thou shalt find me ready to
condescend to every one of thy requests according to my poor
ability; although I ought rather to learn of thee than thou of me.
But, as thou hast protested, we will confer of these doubts
together, and will seek out the resolution, even unto the bottom of
that undrainable well where Heraclitus says the truth lies hidden.
And I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast
proposed, to wit, by signs without speaking; for by this means thou
and I shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be
free from this clapping of hands which these blockish sophisters
make when any of the arguers hath gotten the better of the argument.
Now to-morrow I will not fail to meet thee at the place and hour
that thou hast appointed, but let me entreat thee that there be not
any strife or uproar between us, and that we seek not the honour and
applause of men, but the truth only. To which Thaumast answered: The
Lord God maintain you in his favour and grace, and, instead of my
thankfulness to you, pour down his blessings upon you, for that your
highness and magnificent greatness hath not disdained to descend to
the grant of the request of my poor baseness. So farewell till
to-morrow! Farewell, said Pantagruel.
Gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that
ever men were more elevated and transported in their thoughts than
all this night were both Thaumast and Pantagruel; for the said
Thaumast said to the keeper of the house of Cluny, where he was
lodged, that in all his life he had never known himself so dry as he
was that night. I think, said he, that Pantagruel held me by the
throat. Give order, I pray you, that we may have some drink, and see
that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargle my palate. On the
other side, Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he could,
entering into very deep and serious meditations, and did nothing all
that night but dote upon and turn over the book of Beda, De numeris
et signis; Plotin's book, De inenarrabilibus; the book of Proclus,
De magia; the book of Artemidorus peri Oneirokritikon; of
Anaxagoras, peri Zemeion; Dinarius, peri Aphaton; the books of
Philiston; Hipponax, peri Anekphoneton, and a rabble of others, so
long, that Panurge said unto him:
My lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for I perceive
your spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them,
that you may easily fall into some quotidian fever with this so
excessive thinking and plodding. But, having first drunk five and
twenty or thirty good draughts, retire yourself and sleep your fill,
for in the morning I will argue against and answer my master the
Englishman, and if I drive him not ad metam non loqui, then call me
knave. Yea but, said he, my friend Panurge, he is marvellously
learned; how wilt thou be able to answer him? Very well, answered
Panurge; I pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone. Is any man
so learned as the devils are? No, indeed, said Pantagruel, without
God's especial grace. Yet for all that, said Panurge, I have argued
against them, gravelled and blanked them in disputation, and laid
them so squat upon their tails that I have made them look like
monkeys. Therefore be assured that to-morrow I will make this
vain-glorious Englishman to skite vinegar before all the world. So
Panurge spent the night with tippling amongst the pages, and played
away all the points of his breeches at primus secundus and at peck
point, in French called La Vergette. Yet, when the condescended on
time was come, he failed not to conduct his master Pantagruel to the
appointed place, unto which, believe me, there was neither great nor
small in Paris but came, thinking with themselves that this devilish
Pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished in dispute all these
doting fresh-water sophisters, would now get full payment and be
tickled to some purpose. For this Englishman is a terrible bustler
and horrible coil-keeper. We will see who will be conqueror, for he
never met with his match before.
Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them, and then,
when Pantagruel and Panurge came into the hall, all the schoolboys,
professors of arts, senior sophisters, and bachelors began to clap
their hands, as their scurvy custom is. But Pantagruel cried out
with a loud voice, as if it had been the sound of a double cannon,
saying, Peace, with a devil to you, peace! By G—, you rogues, if you
trouble me here, I will cut off the heads of everyone of you. At
which words they remained all daunted and astonished like so many
ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although they had
swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers. Withal they grew so dry with
this only voice, that they laid out their tongues a full half foot
beyond their mouths, as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats.
Then began Panurge to speak, saying to the Englishman, Sir, are you
come hither to dispute contentiously in those propositions you have
set down, or, otherwise, but to learn and know the truth? To which
answered Thaumast, Sir, no other thing brought me hither but the
great desire I had to learn and to know that of which I have doubted
all my life long, and have neither found book nor man able to
content me in the resolution of those doubts which I have proposed.
And, as for disputing contentiously, I will not do it, for it is too
base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish sophisters who
in their disputes do not search for the truth, but for contradiction
only and debate. Then said Panurge, If I, who am but a mean and
inconsiderable disciple of my master my lord Pantagruel, content and
satisfy you in all and everything, it were a thing below my said
master wherewith to trouble him. Therefore is it fitter that he be
chairman, and sit as a judge and moderator of our discourse and
purpose, and give you satisfaction in many things wherein perhaps I
shall be wanting to your expectation. Truly, said Thaumast, it is
very well said; begin then. Now you must note that Panurge had set
at the end of his long codpiece a pretty tuft of red silk, as also
of white, green, and blue, and within it had put a fair orange.
Chapter 2.XIX.—How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman that
argued by signs.
Everybody then taking heed, and hearkening with great silence,
the Englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally,
clunching in all the tops of his fingers together, after the manner
which, a la Chinonnese, they call the hen's arse, and struck the one
hand on the other by the nails four several times. Then he, opening
them, struck the one with the flat of the other till it yielded a
clashing noise, and that only once. Again, in joining them as
before, he struck twice, and afterwards four times in opening them.
Then did he lay them joined, and extended the one towards the other,
as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers unto God. Panurge
suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, and put the thumb
thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding his four fingers
straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point of
his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink
with a profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids. Then lifted
he up his left hand, with hard wringing and stretching forth his
four fingers and elevating his thumb, which he held in a line
directly correspondent to the situation of his right hand, with the
distance of a cubit and a half between them. This done, in the same
form he abased towards the ground about the one and the other hand.
Lastly, he held them in the midst, as aiming right at the
Englishman's nose. And if Mercury,—said the Englishman. There
Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken, Mask.
Then made the Englishman this sign. His left hand all open he
lifted up into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four
fingers thereof, and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the
gristle of his nose. Presently after, he lifted up his right hand
all open, and all open abased and bent it downwards, putting the
thumb thereof in the very place where the little finger of the left
hand did close in the fist, and the four right-hand fingers he
softly moved in the air. Then contrarily he did with the right hand
what he had done with the left, and with the left what he had done
with the right.
Panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air
his trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew
forth a truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a
like form, one of black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil,
and put them betwixt the fingers of that hand in good symmetry;
then, knocking them together, made such a noise as the lepers of
Brittany use to do with their clappering clickets, yet better
resounding and far more harmonious, and with his tongue contracted
in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking fixedly upon
the Englishman. The divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that were
there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the
Englishman was a leper. The counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists
conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of
mortal felicity to consist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained
heretofore.
The Englishman for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up
his two hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the
three master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his
indical or foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little
fingers remained extended and stretched out, and so presented he
them to Panurge. Then joined he them so that the right thumb touched
the left, and the left little finger touched the right. Hereat
Panurge, without speaking one word, lift up his hands and made this
sign.
He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of
the thumb of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it
were a buckle, and of his right hand shut up all the fingers into
his fist, except the forefinger, which he often thrust in and out
through the said two others of the left hand. Then stretched he out
the forefinger and middle finger or medical of his right hand,
holding them asunder as much as he could, and thrusting them towards
Thaumast. Then did he put the thumb of his left hand upon the corner
of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the wing of a bird
or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way and that
way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his right
eye. Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and
made him this sign.
With the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the
muscle of the palm or pulp which is under the thumb. Then put he the
forefinger of the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he
put it under, and not over, as Panurge did. Then Panurge knocked one
hand against another, and blowed in his palm, and put again the
forefinger of his right hand into the overture or mouth of the left,
pulling it often in and out. Then held he out his chin, most
intentively looking upon Thaumast. The people there, which
understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that therein
he demanded, without speaking a word to Thaumast, What do you mean
by that? In effect, Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and
seemed to all the spectators a man strangely ravished in high
contemplation. Then he bethought himself, and put all the nails of
his left hand against those of his right, opening his fingers as if
they had been semicircles, and with this sign lift up his hands as
high as he could. Whereupon Panurge presently put the thumb of his
right hand under his jaws, and the little finger thereof in the
mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his teeth to sound
very melodiously, the upper against the lower. With this Thaumast,
with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising let a
great baker's fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very
strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell. The company began
to stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish
and perplexity. Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in
such sort that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet
together, and his left hand he laid flat upon his breast. Whereat
Panurge drew out his long codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it
forth a cubit and a half, holding it in the air with his right hand,
and with his left took out his orange, and, casting it up into the
air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the fist of his right
hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to shake his
fair codpiece, showing it to Thaumast.
After that, Thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a
player on a bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig's
bladder. Whereupon Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his
nockandrow, by some called St. Patrick's hole, and with his mouth
sucked in the air, in such a manner as when one eats oysters in the
shell, or when we sup up our broth. This done, he opened his mouth
somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it, making therewith a
great and a deep sound, as if it came from the superficies of the
midriff through the trachiartery or pipe of the lungs, and this he
did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did always keep blowing like a
goose. Then Panurge put the forefinger of his right hand into his
mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it
out, and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot
pellets out of the pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the
branch of an alder-tree, and he did it nine times.
Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my masters, a great secret! With
this he put in his hand up to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that
he had, holding it by the point downwards. Whereat Panurge took his
long codpiece, and shook it as hard as he could against his thighs;
then put his two hands entwined in manner of a comb upon his head,
laying out his tongue as far as he was able, and turning his eyes in
his head like a goat that is ready to die. Ha, I understand, said
Thaumast, but what? making such a sign that he put the haft of his
dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the flat of
his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers. Whereat
Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle
finger into his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright. Then
he crossed his two arms upon his breast and coughed five times, and
at the fifth time he struck his right foot against the ground. Then
he lift up his left arm, and closing all his fingers into his fist,
held his thumb against his forehead, striking with his right hand
six times against his breast. But Thaumast, as not content
therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the top of his nose,
shutting the rest of his said hand, whereupon Panurge set his two
master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as he
was able, and widening it so that he showed all his teeth, and with
his two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, making
therewith a very ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the
company.
Chapter 2.XX.—How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of
Panurge.
Then Panurge rose up, and, putting off his cap, did very kindly
thank the said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the
people that were there: My lords, gentlemen, and others, at this
time may I to some good purpose speak that evangelical word, Et ecce
plus quam Salomon hic! You have here in your presence an
incomparable treasure, that is, my lord Pantagruel, whose great
renown hath brought me hither, out of the very heart of England, to
confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in magic,
alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, which I had
in my mind. But at present I am angry even with fame itself, which I
think was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth
part of the worth that indeed is in him. You have seen how his
disciple only hath satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked
of him. Besides, he hath opened unto me, and resolved other
inestimable doubts, wherein I can assure you he hath to me
discovered the very true well, fountain, and abyss of the
encyclopaedia of learning; yea, in such a sort that I did not think
I should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear
in so much as the first elements of that concerning which we
disputed by signs, without speaking either word or half word. But,
in fine, I will reduce into writing that which we have said and
concluded, that the world may not take them to be fooleries, and
will thereafter cause them to be printed, that everyone may learn as
I have done. Judge, then, what the master had been able to say,
seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est discipulus
super magistrum. Howsoever, God be praised! and I do very humbly
thank you for the honour that you have done us at this act. God
reward you for it eternally! The like thanks gave Pantagruel to all
the company, and, going from thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner
with him, and believe that they drank as much as their skins could
hold, or, as the phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies (for in that age
they made fast their bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars
of our doublets or jerkins), even till they neither knew where they
were nor whence they came. Blessed Lady, how they did carouse it,
and pluck, as we say, at the kid's leather! And flagons to trot, and
they to toot, Draw; give, page, some wine here; reach hither; fill
with a devil, so! There was not one but did drink five and twenty or
thirty pipes. Can you tell how? Even sicut terra sine aqua; for the
weather was hot, and, besides that, they were very dry. In matter of
the exposition of the propositions set down by Thaumast, and the
signification of the signs which they used in their disputation, I
would have set them down for you according to their own relation,
but I have been told that Thaumast made a great book of it,
imprinted at London, wherein he hath set down all, without omitting
anything, and therefore at this time I do pass by it.
Chapter 2.XXI.—How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris.
Panurge began to be in great reputation in the city of Paris by
means of this disputation wherein he prevailed against the
Englishman, and from thenceforth made his codpiece to be very useful
to him. To which effect he had it pinked with pretty little
embroideries after the Romanesca fashion. And the world did praise
him publicly, in so far that there was a song made of him, which
little children did use to sing when they were to fetch mustard. He
was withal made welcome in all companies of ladies and gentlewomen,
so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to bring to
his lure one of the greatest ladies in the city. And, indeed,
leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which
ordinarily these dolent contemplative lent-lovers make who never
meddle with the flesh, one day he said unto her, Madam, it would be
a very great benefit to the commonwealth, delightful to you,
honourable to your progeny, and necessary for me, that I cover you
for the propagating of my race, and believe it, for experience will
teach it you. The lady at this word thrust him back above a hundred
leagues, saying, You mischievous fool, is it for you to talk thus
unto me? Whom do you think you have in hand? Begone, never to come
in my sight again; for, if one thing were not, I would have your
legs and arms cut off. Well, said he, that were all one to me, to
want both legs and arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout
together at the brangle-buttock game; for herewithin is—in showing
her his long codpiece—Master John Thursday, who will play you such
an antic that you shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very
marrow of your bones. He is a gallant, and doth so well know how to
find out all the corners, creeks, and ingrained inmates in your
carnal trap, that after him there needs no broom, he'll sweep so
well before, and leave nothing to his followers to work upon.
Whereunto the lady answered, Go, villain, go. If you speak to me one
such word more, I will cry out and make you to be knocked down with
blows. Ha, said he, you are not so bad as you say—no, or else I am
deceived in your physiognomy. For sooner shall the earth mount up
unto the heavens, and the highest heavens descend unto the hells,
and all the course of nature be quite perverted, than that in so
great beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop of
gall or malice. They say, indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a
fair woman that is not also stubborn. Yet that is spoke only of
those vulgar beauties; but yours is so excellent, so singular, and
so heavenly, that I believe nature hath given it you as a paragon
and masterpiece of her art, to make us know what she can do when she
will employ all her skill and all her power. There is nothing in you
but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and celestial manna. To you it was
to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the golden apple, not to Venus,
no, nor to Juno, nor to Minerva, for never was there so much
magnificence in Juno, so much wisdom in Minerva, nor so much
comeliness in Venus as there is in you. O heavenly gods and
goddesses! How happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the
favour to embrace her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers!
By G—, that shall be I, I know it well; for she loves me already her
bellyful, I am sure of it, and so was I predestinated to it by the
fairies. And therefore, that we lose no time, put on, thrust out
your gammons!—and would have embraced her, but she made as if she
would put out her head at the window to call her neighbours for
help. Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running away
said, Madam, stay here till I come again; I will go call them
myself; do not you take so much pains. Thus went he away, not much
caring for the repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse
cheer for it. The next day he came to the church at the time she
went to mass. At the door he gave her some of the holy water, bowing
himself very low before her. Afterwards he kneeled down by her very
familiarly and said unto her, Madam, know that I am so amorous of
you that I can neither piss nor dung for love. I do not know, lady,
what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it, how much you
would be to blame! Go, said she, go! I do not care; let me alone to
say my prayers. Ay but, said he, equivocate upon this: a beau mont
le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts. I cannot, said she.
It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair c. . .the pr.
. .mounts. And upon this, pray to God to give you that which your
noble heart desireth, and I pray you give me these paternosters.
Take them, said she, and trouble me no longer. This done, she would
have taken off her paternosters, which were made of a kind of yellow
stone called cestrin, and adorned with great spots of gold, but
Panurge nimbly drew out one of his knives, wherewith he cut them off
very handsomely, and whilst he was going away to carry them to the
brokers, he said to her, Will you have my knife? No, no, said she.
But, said he, to the purpose. I am at your commandment, body and
goods, tripes and bowels.
In the meantime the lady was not very well content with the want
of her paternosters, for they were one of her implements to keep her
countenance by in the church; then thought with herself, This bold
flouting roister is some giddy, fantastical, light-headed fool of a
strange country. I shall never recover my paternosters again. What
will my husband say? He will no doubt be angry with me. But I will
tell him that a thief hath cut them off from my hands in the church,
which he will easily believe, seeing the end of the ribbon left at
my girdle. After dinner Panurge went to see her, carrying in his
sleeve a great purse full of palace-crowns, called counters, and
began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you me, or
I you? Whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; for, as
God commands, I love all the world. But to the purpose, said he; are
not you in love with me? I have, said she, told you so many times
already that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of
it again I will teach you that I am not one to be talked unto
dishonestly. Get you hence packing, and deliver me my paternosters,
that my husband may not ask me for them.
How now, madam, said he, your paternosters? Nay, by mine oath, I
will not do so, but I will give you others. Had you rather have them
of gold well enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of
love-knots, or, otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or if you
had rather have them of ebony, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with
the marks of fine turquoises, or of fair topazes, marked with fine
sapphires, or of baleu rubies, with great marks of diamonds of eight
and twenty squares? No, no, all this is too little. I know a fair
bracelet of fine emeralds, marked with spotted ambergris, and at the
buckle a Persian pearl as big as an orange. It will not cost above
five and twenty thousand ducats. I will make you a present of it,
for I have ready coin enough,—and withal he made a noise with his
counters, as if they had been French crowns.
Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or
of crimson dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin?
Will you have chains, gold, tablets, rings? You need no more but
say, Yes; so far as fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as
nothing to me. By the virtue of which words he made the water come
in her mouth; but she said unto him, No, I thank you, I will have
nothing of you. By G—, said he, but I will have somewhat of you; yet
shall it be that which shall cost you nothing, neither shall you
have a jot the less when you have given it. Hold! —showing his long
codpiece—this is Master John Goodfellow, that asks for lodging!—and
with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out, yet not
very loud. Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his
false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherwise let me
do a little? A turd for you! You do not deserve so much good, nor so
much honour; but, by G—, I will make the dogs ride you;—and with
this he ran away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he
was naturally fearful.
Chapter 2.XXII.—How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that
pleased her not very well.
Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of
Corpus Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their
best apparel, and on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich
gown of crimson satin, under which she wore a very costly white
velvet petticoat.
The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of
one side and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when
he had tied her with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her
very well all that day and night. In the morning thereafter he
killed her, and took that part of her which the Greek geomancers
know, and cut it into several small pieces as small as he could.
Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went to the place
where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as the
custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge
sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously.
Then, a little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat
down close by her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay
in writing, in manner as followeth.
A Roundelay.
For this one time, that I to you my love
Discovered, you did too cruel prove,
To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon,
Who never any wrong to you had done,
In any kind of action, word, or thought:
So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought
T' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense,
My friend, be pleased to depart from hence,
For this one time.
What hurt do I, to wish you to remark,
With favour and compassion, how a spark
Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart
With deep affection, and that, for my part,
I only ask that you with me would dance
The brangle gay in feats of dalliance,
For this one time?
And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge
very promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in
divers places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of
her gown. Then said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not
always at ease. As for me, I hope that those heavy nights, those
pains and troubles, which I suffer for love of you, shall be a
deduction to me of so much pain in purgatory; yet, at the least,
pray to God to give me patience in my misery. Panurge had no sooner
spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church came running to
this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed upon her,
both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their
member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her—it was the
greatest villainy in the world. Panurge made the fashion of driving
them away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some
chapel or oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these
villainous dogs did compiss all her habiliments, and left none of
her attire unbesprinkled with their staling; insomuch that a tall
greyhound pissed upon her head, others in her sleeves, others on her
crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed upon her pataines; so that
all the women that were round about her had much ado to save her.
Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of the lords
of the city, I believe that same lady is hot, or else that some
greyhound hath covered her lately. And when he saw that all the dogs
were flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access
to her, and every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont
to do about a proud or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from
thence, and went to call Pantagruel, not forgetting in his way
alongst the streets through which he went, where he found any dogs
to give them a bang with his foot, saying, Will you not go with your
fellows to the wedding? Away, hence, avant, avant, with a devil
avant! And being come home, he said to Pantagruel, Master, I pray
you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are assembled
about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line
her. Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the
mystery, which he found very pretty and strange. But the best was at
the procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and
fourteen dogs about her, which did very much trouble and molest her,
and whithersoever she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing
her footsteps, followed her at the heels, and pissed in the way
where her gown had touched. All the world stood gazing at this
spectacle, considering the countenance of those dogs, who, leaping
up, got about her neck and spoiled all her gorgeous accoutrements,
for the which she could find no remedy but to retire unto her house,
which was a palace. Thither she went, and the dogs after her; she
ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain from
laughing. When she was entered into the house and had shut the door
upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and
did so well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a
stream with their urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed,
and it is the same current that now runs at St. Victor, in which
Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs,
as our master Doribus did heretofore preach publicly. So may God
help you, a mill would have ground corn with it. Yet not so much as
those of Basacle at Toulouse.
Chapter 2.XXIII.—How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing
news that the Dipsodes had invaded the land of the Amaurots; and the
cause wherefore the leagues are so short in France.
A little while after Pantagruel heard news that his father
Gargantua had been translated into the land of the fairies by
Morgue, as heretofore were Ogier and Arthur; as also, (In the
original edition it stands 'together, and that.'—M.) that the report
of his translation being spread abroad, the Dipsodes had issued out
beyond their borders, with inroads had wasted a great part of
Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great city of the
Amaurots. Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any man
farewell, for the business required diligence, he came to Rouen.
Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that
little territory about Paris called France were very short in regard
of those of other countries, demanded the cause and reason of it
from Panurge, who told him a story which Marotus of the Lac,
monachus, set down in the Acts of the Kings of Canarre, saying that
in old times countries were not distinguished into leagues, miles,
furlongs, nor parasangs, until that King Pharamond divided them,
which was done in manner as followeth. The said king chose at Paris
a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and
bold adventurers in Cupid's duels, together with a hundred comely,
pretty, handsome, lovely and well-complexioned wenches of Picardy,
all which he caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the
space of eight days. Then having called for them, he delivered to
every one of the young men his wench, with store of money to defray
their charges, and this injunction besides, to go unto divers places
here and there. And wheresoever they should biscot and thrum their
wenches, that, they setting a stone there, it should be accounted
for a league. Thus went away those brave fellows and sprightly
blades most merrily, and because they were fresh and had been at
rest, they very often jummed and fanfreluched almost at every
field's end, and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are
so short. But when they had gone a great way, and were now as weary
as poor devils, all the oil in their lamps being almost spent, they
did not chink and duffle so often, but contented themselves (I mean
for the men's part) with one scurvy paltry bout in a day, and this
is that which makes the leagues in Brittany, Delanes, Germany, and
other more remote countries so long. Other men give other reasons
for it, but this seems to me of all other the best. To which
Pantagruel willingly adhered. Parting from Rouen, they arrived at
Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon,
Eusthenes, and Carpalin.
In which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their
ship, he received from a lady of Paris, which I (he) had formerly
kept and entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the
outside thus, —To the best beloved of the fair women, and least
loyal of the valiant men —P.N.T.G.R.L.
Chapter 2.XXIV.—A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel
from a lady of Paris, together with the exposition of a posy written
in a gold ring.
When Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed,
and therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that
had sent it. Then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in
it, nor otherwise enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square
table diamond. Wondering at this, he called Panurge to him, and
showed him the case. Whereupon Panurge told him that the leaf of
paper was written upon, but with such cunning and artifice that no
man could see the writing at the first sight. Therefore, to find it
out, he set it by the fire to see if it was made with sal ammoniac
soaked in water. Then put he it into the water, to see if the letter
was written with the juice of tithymalle. After that he held it up
against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white
onions.
Then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were
not written with the lee of a fig-tree, and another part of it with
the milk of a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it
was written with the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs.
Afterwards he rubbed one corner with the ashes of a swallow's nest,
to see if it were not written with the dew that is found within the
herb alcakengy, called the winter-cherry. He rubbed, after that, one
end with ear-wax, to see if it were not written with the gall of a
raven. Then did he dip it into vinegar, to try if it was not written
with the juice of the garden spurge. After that he greased it with
the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was not written with
the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris. Then put it very
fairly into a basinful of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to
see whether it were written with stone-alum. But after all
experiments, when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he
called the messenger and asked him, Good fellow, the lady that sent
thee hither, did she not give thee a staff to bring with thee?
thinking that it had been according to the conceit whereof Aulus
Gellius maketh mention. And the messenger answered him, No, sir.
Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaven, to see whether
the lady had written upon his bald pate, with the hard lye whereof
soap is made, that which she meant; but, perceiving that his hair
was very long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown
to so great a length in so short a time.
Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the virtue of G—, I cannot
tell what to do nor say in it. For, to know whether there be
anything written upon this or no, I have made use of a good part of
that which Master Francisco di Nianto, the Tuscan, sets down, who
hath written the manner of reading letters that do not appear; that
which Zoroastes published, Peri grammaton acriton; and Calphurnius
Bassus, De literis illegibilibus. But I can see nothing, nor do I
believe that there is anything else in it than the ring. Let us,
therefore, look upon it. Which when they had done, they found this
in Hebrew written within, Lamach saba(ch)thani; whereupon they
called Epistemon, and asked him what that meant. To which he
answered that they were Hebrew words, signifying, Wherefore hast
thou forsaken me? Upon that Panurge suddenly replied, I know the
mystery. Do you see this diamond? It is a false one. This, then, is
the exposition of that which the lady means, Diamant faux, that is,
false lover, why hast thou forsaken me? Which interpretation
Pantagruel presently understood, and withal remembering that at his
departure he had not bid the lady farewell, he was very sorry, and
would fain have returned to Paris to make his peace with her. But
Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas's departure from Dido, and the
saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor,
when need requireth we must cut the cable rather than lose time
about untying of it,—and that he should lay aside all other thoughts
to succour the city of his nativity, which was then in danger. And,
indeed, within an hour after that the wind arose at the
north-north-west, wherewith they hoist sail, and put out, even into
the main sea, so that within few days, passing by Porto Sancto and
by the Madeiras, they went ashore in the Canary Islands. Parting
from thence, they passed by Capobianco, by Senege, by Capoverde, by
Gambre, by Sagres, by Melli, by the Cap di Buona Speranza, and set
ashore again in the kingdom of Melinda. Parting from thence, they
sailed away with a tramontane or northerly wind, passing by Meden,
by Uti, by Uden, by Gelasim, by the Isles of the Fairies, and
alongst the kingdom of Achorie, till at last they arrived at the
port of Utopia, distant from the city of the Amaurots three leagues
and somewhat more.
When they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, Pantagruel
said, Gentlemen, the city is not far from hence; therefore, were it
not amiss, before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done,
that we be not like the Athenians, who never took counsel until
after the fact? Are you resolved to live and die with me? Yes, sir,
said they all, and be as confident of us as of your own fingers.
Well, said he, there is but one thing that keeps my mind in great
doubt and suspense, which is this, that I know not in what order nor
of what number the enemy is that layeth siege to the city; for, if I
were certain of that, I should go forward and set on with the better
assurance. Let us therefore consult together, and bethink ourselves
by what means we may come to this intelligence. Whereunto they all
said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us; for this
very day, without further respite, do we make account to bring you a
certain report thereof.
Myself, said Panurge, will undertake to enter into their camp,
within the very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and
merrily feast and lecher it at their cost, without being known of
any, to see the artillery and the tents of all the captains, and
thrust myself in with a grave and magnific carriage amongst all
their troops and companies, without being discovered. The devil
would not be able to peck me out with all his circumventions, for I
am of the race of Zopyrus.
And I, said Epistemon, know all the plots and strategems of the
valiant captains and warlike champions of former ages, together with
all the tricks and subtleties of the art of war. I will go, and,
though I be detected and revealed, I will escape by making them
believe of you whatever I please, for I am of the race of Sinon.
I, said Eusthenes, will enter and set upon them in their
trenches, in spite of their sentries and all their guards; for I
will tread upon their bellies and break their legs and arms, yea,
though they were every whit as strong as the devil himself, for I am
of the race of Hercules.
And I, said Carpalin, will get in there if the birds can enter,
for I am so nimble of body, and light withal, that I shall have
leaped over their trenches, and ran clean through all their camp,
before that they perceive me; neither do I fear shot, nor arrow, nor
horse, how swift soever, were he the Pegasus of Perseus or Pacolet,
being assured that I shall be able to make a safe and sound escape
before them all without any hurt. I will undertake to walk upon the
ears of corn or grass in the meadows, without making either of them
do so much as bow under me, for I am of the race of Camilla the
Amazon.
Chapter 2.XXV.—How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon,
the gentlemen attendants of Pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited
six hundred and threescore horsemen very cunningly.
As he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and
threescore light horsemen, gallantly mounted, who made an outroad
thither to see what ship it was that was newly arrived in the
harbour, and came in a full gallop to take them if they had been
able. Then said Pantagruel, My lads, retire yourselves unto the
ship; here are some of our enemies coming apace, but I will kill
them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times so
many; in the meantime, withdraw yourselves, and take your sport at
it. Then answered Panurge, No, sir; there is no reason that you
should do so, but, on the contrary, retire you unto the ship, both
you and the rest, for I alone will here discomfit them; but we must
not linger; come, set forward. Whereunto the others said, It is well
advised, sir; withdraw yourself, and we will help Panurge here, so
shall you know what we are able to do. Then said Pantagruel, Well, I
am content; but, if that you be too weak, I will not fail to come to
your assistance. With this Panurge took two great cables of the ship
and tied them to the kemstock or capstan which was on the deck
towards the hatches, and fastened them in the ground, making a long
circuit, the one further off, the other within that. Then said he to
Epistemon, Go aboard the ship, and, when I give you a call, turn
about the capstan upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you the
two cable-ropes; and said to Eusthenes and to Carpalin, My bullies,
stay you here, and offer yourselves freely to your enemies. Do as
they bid you, and make as if you would yield unto them, but take
heed you come not within the compass of the ropes—be sure to keep
yourselves free of them. And presently he went aboard the ship, and
took a bundle of straw and a barrel of gunpowder, strewed it round
about the compass of the cords, and stood by with a brand of fire or
match lighted in his hand. Presently came the horsemen with great
fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the ship, and, by reason
of the slipperiness of the bank, they fell, they and their horses,
to the number of four and forty; which the rest seeing, came on,
thinking that resistance had been made them at their arrival. But
Panurge said unto them, My masters, I believe that you have hurt
yourselves; I pray you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the
slipperiness of the sea-water that is always flowing; we submit
ourselves to your good pleasure. So said likewise his two other
fellows, and Epistemon that was upon the deck. In the meantime
Panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that they were all within the
compass of the cables, and that his two companions were retired,
making room for all those horses which came in a crowd, thronging
upon the neck of one another to see the ship and such as were in it,
cried out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, draw! Then began Epistemon
to wind about the capstan, by doing whereof the two cables so
entangled and empestered the legs of the horses, that they were all
of them thrown down to the ground easily, together with their
riders. But they, seeing that, drew their swords, and would have cut
them; whereupon Panurge set fire to the train, and there burnt them
up all like damned souls, both men and horses, not one escaping save
one alone, who being mounted on a fleet Turkey courser, by mere
speed in flight got himself out of the circle of the ropes. But when
Carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such nimbleness and
celerity that he overtook him in less than a hundred paces; then,
leaping close behind him upon the crupper of his horse, clasped him
in his arms, and brought him back to the ship.
This exploit being ended, Pantagruel was very jovial, and
wondrously commended the industry of these gentlemen, whom he called
his fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves and feed well
and merrily upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies
upon the ground, and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to
that familiarity; only that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that
Pantagruel would have eaten him up whole, which, considering the
wideness of his mouth and capacity of his throat was no great matter
for him to have done; for he could have done it as easily as you
would eat a small comfit, he showing no more in his throat than
would a grain of millet-seed in the mouth of an ass.
Chapter 2.XXVI.—How Pantagruel and his company were weary in
eating still salt meats; and how Carpalin went a-hunting to have
some venison.
Thus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, And, by
the belly of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any venison? This salt
meat makes me horribly dry. I will go fetch you a quarter of one of
those horses which we have burnt; it is well roasted already. As he
was rising up to go about it, he perceived under the side of a wood
a fair great roebuck, which was come out of his fort, as I conceive,
at the sight of Panurge's fire. Him did he pursue and run after with
as much vigour and swiftness as if it had been a bolt out of a
crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he was in his
course he with his hands took in the air four great bustards, seven
bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty red-legged
ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and
thirty cushats and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve
hares and rabbits, which were then at relief and pretty big withal,
eighteen rails in a knot together, with fifteen young wild-boars,
two little beavers, and three great foxes. So, striking the kid with
his falchion athwart the head, he killed him, and, bearing him on
his back, he in his return took up his hares, rails, and young
wild-boars, and, as far off as he could be heard, cried out and
said, Panurge, my friend, vinegar, vinegar! Then the good
Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him
some vinegar; but Panurge knew well that there was some good prey in
hands, and forthwith showed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing
upon his back a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with
hares. Then immediately did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine
Muses, nine antique wooden spits. Eusthenes did help to flay, and
Panurge placed two great cuirassier saddles in such sort that they
served for andirons, and making their prisoner to be their cook,
they roasted their venison by the fire wherein the horsemen were
burnt; and making great cheer with a good deal of vinegar, the devil
a one of them did forbear from his victuals—it was a triumphant and
incomparable spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured. Then
said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two pairs of
little anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that I had
at mine the great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of Tours, and of
Cambray, to see what a peal they would ring with the wagging of our
chaps. But, said Panurge, it were better we thought a little upon
our business, and by what means we might get the upper hand of our
enemies. That is well remembered, said Pantagruel. Therefore spoke
he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us here the truth, and do
not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed alive, for it is
I that eat the little children. Relate unto us at full the order,
the number, and the strength of the army. To which the prisoner
answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three
hundred giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great.
Nevertheless, not fully so great as you, except one that is their
head, named Loupgarou, who is armed from head to foot with
cyclopical anvils. Furthermore, one hundred three score and three
thousand foot, all armed with the skins of hobgoblins, strong and
valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred men-at-arms or
cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and
arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand
pioneers; one hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like
goddesses—(That is for me, said Panurge)—whereof some are Amazons,
some Lionnoises, others Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines,
Poictevines, Normandes, and High Dutch—there are of them of all
countries and all languages.
Yea but, said Pantagruel, is the king there? Yes, sir, said the
prisoner; he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, king of
the Dipsodes, which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you
never saw men more thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent
is guarded by the giants. It is enough, said Pantagruel. Come, brave
boys, are you resolved to go with me? To which Panurge answered, God
confound him that leaves you! I have already bethought myself how I
will kill them all like pigs, and so the devil one leg of them shall
escape. But I am somewhat troubled about one thing. And what is
that? said Pantagruel. It is, said Panurge, how I shall be able to
set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the whores that
be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one
unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of
man and women in the Venetian conflict. Ha, ha, ha, ha, said
Pantagruel.
And Carpalin said: The devil take these sink-holes, if, by G—, I
do not bumbaste some one of them. Then said Eusthenes: What! shall
not I have any, whose paces, since we came from Rouen, were never so
well winded up as that my needle could mount to ten or eleven
o'clock, till now that I have it hard, stiff, and strong, like a
hundred devils? Truly, said Panurge, thou shalt have of the fattest,
and of those that are most plump and in the best case.
How now! said Epistemon; everyone shall ride, and I must lead the
ass? The devil take him that will do so. We will make use of the
right of war, Qui potest capere, capiat. No, no, said Panurge, but
tie thine ass to a crook, and ride as the world doth. And the good
Pantagruel laughed at all this, and said unto them, You reckon
without your host. I am much afraid that, before it be night, I
shall see you in such taking that you will have no great stomach to
ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of pike and
lance. Baste, said Epistemon, enough of that! I will not fail to
bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste.
They are not so many in number as were in the army of Xerxes, for he
had thirty hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe
Herodotus and Trogus Pompeius, and yet Themistocles with a few men
overthrew them all. For God's sake, take you no care for that.
Cobsminny, cobsminny, said Panurge; my codpiece alone shall suffice
to overthrow all the men; and my St. Sweephole, that dwells within
it, shall lay all the women squat upon their backs. Up then, my
lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along.
Chapter 2.XXVII.—How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of
their valour, and Panurge another in remembrance of the hares. How
Pantagruel likewise with his farts begat little men, and with his
fisgs little women; and how Panurge broke a great staff over two
glasses.
Before we depart hence, said Pantagruel, in remembrance of the
exploit that you have now performed I will in this place erect a
fair trophy. Then every man amongst them, with great joy and fine
little country songs, set up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged
a great cuirassier saddle, the fronstal of a barbed horse,
bridle-bosses, pulley-pieces for the knees, stirrup-leathers, spurs,
stirrups, a coat of mail, a corslet tempered with steel, a
battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horseman's sword, a gauntlet,
a horseman's mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, leg-harness, and a
gorget, with all other furniture needful for the decorement of a
triumphant arch, in sign of a trophy. And then Pantagruel, for an
eternal memorial, wrote this victorial ditton, as followeth:—
Here was the prowess made apparent of
Four brave and valiant champions of proof,
Who, without any arms but wit, at once,
Like Fabius, or the two Scipions,
Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore
Crablice, strong rogues ne'er vanquished before.
By this each king may learn, rook, pawn, and knight,
That sleight is much more prevalent than might.
For victory,
As all men see,
Hangs on the ditty
Of that committee
Where the great God
Hath his abode.
Nor doth he it to strong and great men give,
But to his elect, as we must believe;
Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem,
Who thorough faith doth put his trust in him.
Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, Panurge
halved and fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck, together
with the skin and the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three
leverets, the chine of a coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two
bustards, the feet of four queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full
of vinegar, a horn wherein to put salt, a wooden spit, a larding
stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a dripping-pan to make sauce
in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of Beauvais. Then, in
imitation of Pantagruel's verses and trophy, wrote that which
followeth:—
Here was it that four jovial blades sat down
To a profound carousing, and to crown
Their banquet with those wines which please best great
Bacchus, the monarch of their drinking state.
Then were the reins and furch of a young hare,
With salt and vinegar, displayed there,
Of which to snatch a bit or two at once
They all fell on like hungry scorpions.
For th' Inventories
Of Defensories
Say that in heat
We must drink neat
All out, and of
The choicest stuff.
But it is bad to eat of young hare's flesh,
Unless with vinegar we it refresh.
Receive this tenet, then, without control,
That vinegar of that meat is the soul.
Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begone! we have
stayed here too long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it
fall out that the greatest eaters do the most martial exploits.
There is no shadow like that of flying colours, no smoke like that
of horses, no clattering like that of armour. At this Epistemon
began to smile, and said, There is no shadow like that of the
kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering like that
of goblets. Unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like
that of curtains, no smoke like that of women's breasts, and no
clattering like that of ballocks. Then forthwith rising up he gave a
fart, a leap, and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever
live Pantagruel! When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as
much; but with the fart that he let the earth trembled nine leagues
about, wherewith and with the corrupted air he begot above three and
fifty thousand little men, ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg
that he let he made as many little women, crouching down, as you
shall see in divers places, which never grow but like cow's tails,
downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, round. How now! said
Panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful? By G—, here be
brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together;
they will beget fine hornets and dorflies. So did Pantagruel, and
called them pigmies. Those he sent to live in an island thereby,
where since that time they are increased mightily. But the cranes
make war with them continually, against which they do most
courageously defend themselves; for these little ends of men and
dandiprats (whom in Scotland they call whiphandles and knots of a
tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and choleric; the physical
reason whereof is, because their heart is near their spleen.
At this same time Panurge took two drinking glasses that were
there, both of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the
brim, and set one of them upon one stool and the other upon another,
placing them about one foot from one another. Then he took the staff
of a javelin, about five foot and a half long, and put it upon the
two glasses, so that the two ends of the staff did come just to the
brims of the glasses. This done, he took a great stake or billet of
wood, and said to Pantagruel and to the rest, My masters, behold how
easily we shall have the victory over our enemies; for just as I
shall break this staff here upon these glasses, without either
breaking or crazing of them, nay, which is more, without spilling
one drop of the water that is within them, even so shall we break
the heads of our Dipsodes without receiving any of us any wound or
loss in our person or goods. But, that you may not think there is
any witchcraft in this, hold! said he to Eusthenes, strike upon the
midst as hard as thou canst with this log. Eusthenes did so, and the
staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop of the water fell out of
the glasses. Then said he, I know a great many such other tricks;
let us now therefore march boldly and with assurance.
Chapter 2.XXVIII.—How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely
over the Dipsodes and the Giants.
After all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent
him away, saying, Go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him
tidings of what thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me
to-morrow about noon; for, as soon as my galleys shall come, which
will be to-morrow at furthest, I will prove unto him by eighteen
hundred thousand fighting-men and seven thousand giants, all of them
greater than I am, that he hath done foolishly and against reason
thus to invade my country. Wherein Pantagruel feigned that he had an
army at sea. But the prisoner answered that he would yield himself
to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own
people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them, and for
God's sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do.
Whereunto Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to
depart thence speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that
effect gave him a boxful of euphorbium, together with some grains of
the black chameleon thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up
into the condiment of a wet sucket, commanding him to carry it to
his king, and to say unto him, that if he were able to eat one ounce
of that without drinking after it, he might then be able to resist
him without any fear or apprehension of danger.
The prisoner then besought him with joined hands that in the hour
of the battle he would have compassion upon him. Whereat Pantagruel
said unto him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the king, put
thy whole confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; because,
although for my part I be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an
infinite number of men in arms, I do nevertheless trust neither in
my force nor in mine industry, but all my confidence is in God my
protector, who doth never forsake those that in him do put their
trust and confidence. This done, the prisoner requested him that he
would afford him some reasonable composition for his ransom. To
which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor ransom
men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty. Go thy
way, said he, in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil
company, lest some mischief befall thee. The prisoner being gone,
Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this prisoner
believe that we have an army at sea; as also that we will not
assault them till to-morrow at noon, to the end that they, doubting
of the great arrival of our men, may spend this night in providing
and strengthening themselves, but in the meantime my intention is
that we charge them about the hour of the first sleep.
Let us leave Pantagruel here with his apostles, and speak of King
Anarchus and his army. When the prisoner was come he went unto the
king and told him how there was a great giant come, called
Pantagruel, who had overthrown and made to be cruelly roasted all
the six hundred and nine and fifty horsemen, and he alone escaped to
bring the news. Besides that, he was charged by the said giant to
tell him that the next day, about noon, he must make a dinner ready
for him, for at that hour he was resolved to set upon him. Then did
he give him that box wherein were those confitures. But as soon as
he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken with such a
heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of the
top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it in such sort
that, for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all but by
drinking only without cessation; for as soon as ever he took the
goblet from his head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they
did nothing but still pour in wine into his throat with a funnel.
Which when his captains, bashaws, and guard of his body did see,
they tasted of the same drugs to try whether they were so
thirst-procuring and alterative or no. But it so befell them as it
had done their king, and they plied the flagon so well that the
noise ran throughout all the camp, how the prisoner was returned;
that the next day they were to have an assault; that the king and
his captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with
his guards, and that with carousing lustily and quaffing as hard as
they could. Every man, therefore, in the army began to tipple, ply
the pot, swill and guzzle it as fast as they could. In sum, they
drunk so much, and so long, that they fell asleep like pigs, all out
of order throughout the whole camp.
Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he
carried himself in this business. Departing from the place of the
trophies, he took the mast of their ship in his hand like a
pilgrim's staff, and put within the top of it two hundred and seven
and thirty puncheons of white wine of Anjou, the rest was of Rouen,
and tied up to his girdle the bark all full of salt, as easily as
the lansquenets carry their little panniers, and so set onward on
his way with his fellow-soldiers. When he was come near to the
enemy's camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let
down this white wine of Anjou from the scuttle of the mast of the
ship, that we may all drink thereof, like Bretons.
Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so
neat that there was not so much as one poor drop left of two hundred
and seven and thirty puncheons, except one boracho or leathern
bottle of Tours which Panurge filled for himself, for he called that
his vademecum, and some scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which
served him instead of vinegar. After they had whittled and curried
the can pretty handsomely, Panurge gave Pantagruel to eat some
devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is a
stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the
reins, the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of
cantharides, which are green flies breeding on the tops of
olive-trees, and other kinds of diuretic or piss-procuring simples.
This done, Pantagruel said to Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling
like a cat against the wall, as you can well do, and tell them that
now presently they come out and charge their enemies as rudely as
they can, and having said so, come down, taking a lighted torch with
you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and pavilions in
the camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great voice,
and then come away from thence. Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not
good to cloy all their ordnance? No, no, said Pantagruel, only blow
up all their powder. Carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and
did as he was appointed by Pantagruel, and all the combatants came
forth that were in the city, and when he had set fire in the tents
and pavilions, he passed so lightly through them, and so highly and
profoundly did they snort and sleep, that they never perceived him.
He came to the place where their artillery was, and set their
munition on fire. But here was the danger. The fire was so sudden
that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt. And had it not been for
his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting pig. But he
departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a crossbow
could not have had a swifter motion. When he was clear of their
trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with
such amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell
had been let loose. At which noise the enemies awaked, but can you
tell how? Even no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of
the first peal to matins, which in Lusonnois is called rub-ballock.
In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in
his bark, and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he
filled all their throats with it, so that those poor wretches were
by it made to cough like foxes. Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest
greater heat to the firebrand that is in us! Suddenly Pantagruel had
will to piss, by means of the drugs which Panurge had given him, and
pissed amidst the camp so well and so copiously that he drowned them
all, and there was a particular deluge ten leagues round about, of
such considerable depth that the history saith, if his father's
great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would undoubtedly
have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; for she did
never piss but she made a river greater than is either the Rhone or
the Danube. Which those that were come out of the city seeing, said,
They are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along. But they
were deceived in thinking Pantagruel's urine had been the blood of
their enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire
of the pavilions and some small light of the moon.
The enemies, after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the
fire in the camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal
deluge, could not tell what to say nor what to think. Some said that
it was the end of the world and the final judgment, which ought to
be by fire. Others again thought that the sea-gods, Neptune,
Proteus, Triton, and the rest of them, did persecute them, for that
indeed they found it to be like sea-water and salt.
O who were able now condignly to relate how Pantagruel did demean
himself against the three hundred giants! O my Muse, my Calliope, my
Thalia, inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for
this is the logical bridge of asses! Here is the pitfall, here is
the difficulty, to have ability enough to express the horrible
battle that was fought. Ah, would to God that I had now a bottle of
the best wine that ever those drank who shall read this so veridical
history!
Chapter 2.XXIX.—How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred
giants armed with free-stone, and Loupgarou their captain.
The giants, seeing all their camp drowned, carried away their
king Anarchus upon their backs as well as they could out of the
fort, as Aeneas did to his father Anchises, in the time of the
conflagration of Troy. When Panurge perceived them, he said to
Pantagruel, Sir, yonder are the giants coming forth against you; lay
on them with your mast gallantly, like an old fencer; for now is the
time that you must show yourself a brave man and an honest. And for
our part we will not fail you. I myself will kill to you a good many
boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliath very easily; and then
this great lecher, Eusthenes, who is stronger than four oxen, will
not spare himself. Be of good courage, therefore, and valiant;
charge amongst them with point and edge, and by all manner of means.
Well, said Pantagruel, of courage I have more than for fifty francs,
but let us be wise, for Hercules first never undertook against two.
That is well cacked, well scummered, said Panurge; do you compare
yourself with Hercules? You have, by G—, more strength in your
teeth, and more scent in your bum, than ever Hercules had in all his
body and soul. So much is a man worth as he esteems himself. Whilst
they spake those words, behold! Loupgarou was come with all his
giants, who, seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone, was carried away
with temerity and presumption, for hopes that he had to kill the
good man. Whereupon he said to his companions the giants, You
wenchers of the low country, by Mahoom! if any of you undertake to
fight against these men here, I will put you cruelly to death. It is
my will that you let me fight single. In the meantime you shall have
good sport to look upon us.
Then all the other giants retired with their king to the place
where the flagons stood, and Panurge and his comrades with them, who
counterfeited those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his
mouth, shrunk up his fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said
unto them, I forsake -od, fellow-soldiers, if I would have it to be
believed that we make any war at all. Give us somewhat to eat with
you whilest our masters fight against one another. To this the king
and giants jointly condescended, and accordingly made them to
banquet with them. In the meantime Panurge told them the follies of
Turpin, the examples of St. Nicholas, and the tale of a tub.
Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a mace all of
steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven
hundred quintals and two quarterons, at the end whereof were
thirteen pointed diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the
greatest bell of Our Lady's Church at Paris—there might want perhaps
the thickness of a nail, or at most, that I may not lie, of the back
of those knives which they call cutlugs or earcutters, but for a
little off or on, more or less, it is no matter—and it was enchanted
in such sort that it could never break, but, contrarily, all that it
did touch did break immediately. Thus, then, as he approached with
great fierceness and pride of heart, Pantagruel, casting up his eyes
to heaven, recommended himself to God with all his soul, making such
a vow as followeth.
O thou Lord God, who hast always been my protector and my
saviour! thou seest the distress wherein I am at this time. Nothing
brings me hither but a natural zeal, which thou hast permitted unto
mortals, to keep and defend themselves, their wives and children,
country and family, in case thy own proper cause were not in
question, which is the faith; for in such a business thou wilt have
no coadjutors, only a catholic confession and service of thy word,
and hast forbidden us all arming and defence. For thou art the
Almighty, who in thine own cause, and where thine own business is
taken to heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive,
thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of legions
of angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal men, and
turn about the heavens and earth at his pleasure, as heretofore it
very plainly appeared in the army of Sennacherib. If it may please
thee, therefore, at this time to assist me, as my whole trust and
confidence is in thee alone, I vow unto thee, that in all countries
whatsoever wherein I shall have any power or authority, whether in
this of Utopia or elsewhere, I will cause thy holy gospel to be
purely, simply, and entirely preached, so that the abuses of a
rabble of hypocrites and false prophets, who by human constitutions
and depraved inventions have empoisoned all the world, shall be
quite exterminated from about me.
This vow was no sooner made, but there was heard a voice from
heaven saying, Hoc fac et vinces; that is to say, Do this, and thou
shalt overcome. Then Pantagruel, seeing that Loupgarou with his
mouth wide open was drawing near to him, went against him boldly,
and cried out as loud as he was able, Thou diest, villain, thou
diest! purposing by his horrible cry to make him afraid, according
to the discipline of the Lacedaemonians. Withal, he immediately cast
at him out of his bark, which he wore at his girdle, eighteen cags
and four bushels of salt, wherewith he filled both his mouth,
throat, nose, and eyes. At this Loupgarou was so highly incensed
that, most fiercely setting upon him, he thought even then with a
blow of his mace to have beat out his brains. But Pantagruel was
very nimble, and had always a quick foot and a quick eye, and
therefore with his left foot did he step back one pace, yet not so
nimbly but that the blow, falling upon the bark, broke it in four
thousand four score and six pieces, and threw all the rest of the
salt about the ground. Pantagruel, seeing that, most gallantly
displayed the vigour of his arms, and, according to the art of the
axe, gave him with the great end of his mast a homethrust a little
above the breast; then, bringing along the blow to the left side,
with a slash struck him between the neck and shoulders. After that,
advancing his right foot, he gave him a push upon the couillons with
the upper end of his said mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle on
the top thereof, he spilt three or four puncheons of wine that were
left therein.
Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and
that the wine that came forth had been his urine. Pantagruel, being
not content with this, would have doubled it by a side-blow; but
Loupgarou, lifting up his mace, advanced one step upon him, and with
all his force would have dashed it upon Pantagruel, wherein, to
speak the truth, he so sprightfully carried himself, that, if God
had not succoured the good Pantagruel, he had been cloven from the
top of his head to the bottom of his milt. But the blow glanced to
the right side by the brisk nimbleness of Pantagruel, and his mace
sank into the ground above threescore and thirteen foot, through a
huge rock, out of which the fire did issue greater than nine
thousand and six tons. Pantagruel, seeing him busy about plucking
out his mace, which stuck in the ground between the rocks, ran upon
him, and would have clean cut off his head, if by mischance his mast
had not touched a little against the stock of Loupgarou's mace,
which was enchanted, as we have said before. By this means his mast
broke off about three handfuls above his hand, whereat he stood
amazed like a bell-founder, and cried out, Ah, Panurge, where art
thou? Panurge, seeing that, said to the king and the giants, By G—,
they will hurt one another if they be not parted. But the giants
were as merry as if they had been at a wedding. Then Carpalin would
have risen from thence to help his master; but one of the giants
said unto him, By Golfarin, the nephew of Mahoom, if thou stir hence
I will put thee in the bottom of my breeches instead of a
suppository, which cannot choose but do me good. For in my belly I
am very costive, and cannot well cagar without gnashing my teeth and
making many filthy faces. Then Pantagruel, thus destitute of a
staff, took up the end of his mast, striking athwart and alongst
upon the giant, but he did him no more hurt than you would do with a
fillip upon a smith's anvil. In the (mean) time Loupgarou was
drawing his mace out of the ground, and, having already plucked it
out, was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel, who, being very
quick in turning, avoided all his blows in taking only the defensive
part in hand, until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did threaten
him with these words, saying, Now, villain, will not I fail to chop
thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee henceforth from ever
making any more poor men athirst! For then, without any more ado,
Pantagruel struck him such a blow with his foot against the belly
that he made him fall backwards, his heels over his head, and
dragged him thus along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot. Then
Loupgarou cried out, bleeding at the throat, Mahoom, Mahoom, Mahoom!
at which noise all the giants arose to succour him. But Panurge said
unto them, Gentlemen, do not go, if will believe me, for our master
is mad, and strikes athwart and alongst, he cares not where; he will
do you a mischief. But the giants made no account of it, seeing that
Pantagruel had never a staff.
And when Pantagruel saw those giants approach very near unto him,
he took Loupgarou by the two feet, and lift up his body like a pike
in the air, wherewith, it being harnessed with anvils, he laid such
heavy load amongst those giants armed with free-stone, that,
striking them down as a mason doth little knobs of stones, there was
not one of them that stood before him whom he threw not flat to the
ground. And by the breaking of this stony armour there was made such
a horrible rumble as put me in mind of the fall of the butter-tower
of St. Stephen's at Bourges when it melted before the sun. Panurge,
with Carpalin and Eusthenes, did cut in the mean time the throats of
those that were struck down, in such sort that there escaped not
one. Pantagruel to any man's sight was like a mower, who with his
scythe, which was Loupgarou, cut down the meadow grass, to wit, the
giants; but with this fencing of Pantagruel's Loupgarou lost his
head, which happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose name was
Riflandouille, or Pudding-plunderer, who was armed cap-a-pie with
Grison stones, one chip whereof splintering abroad cut off
Epistemon's neck clean and fair. For otherwise the most part of them
were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy brittle stone, and the
rest with slates. At last, when he saw that they were all dead, he
threw the body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against the city,
where falling like a frog upon his belly in the great Piazza
thereof, he with the said fall killed a singed he-cat, a wet
she-cat, a farting duck, and a bridled goose.
Chapter 2.XXX.—How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was
finely healed by Panurge, and of the news which he brought from the
devils, and of the damned people in hell.
This gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruel withdrew himself to
the place of the flagons, and called for Panurge and the rest, who
came unto him safe and sound, except Eusthenes, whom one of the
giants had scratched a little in the face whilst he was about the
cutting of his throat, and Epistemon, who appeared not at all.
Whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would have killed
himself. But Panurge said unto him, Nay, sir, stay a while, and we
will search for him amongst the dead, and find out the truth of all.
Thus as they went seeking after him, they found him stark dead, with
his head between his arms all bloody. Then Eusthenes cried out, Ah,
cruel death! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst men? At
which words Pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever any
man did see, and said to Panurge, Ha, my friend! the prophecy of
your two glasses and the javelin staff was a great deal too
deceitful. But Panurge answered, My dear bullies all, weep not one
drop more, for, he being yet all hot, I will make him as sound as
ever he was. In saying this, he took the head and held it warm
foregainst his codpiece, that the wind might not enter into it.
Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the body to the place where they had
banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would recover, but that
Pantagruel might see it.
Nevertheless Panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, If I do
not heal him, I will be content to lose my head, which is a fool's
wager. Leave off, therefore, crying, and help me. Then cleansed he
his neck very well with pure white wine, and, after that, took his
head, and into it synapised some powder of diamerdis, which he
always carried about him in one of his bags. Afterwards he anointed
it with I know not what ointment, and set it on very just, vein
against vein, sinew against sinew, and spondyle against spondyle,
that he might not be wry-necked—for such people he mortally hated.
This done, he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen stitches
with a needle that it might not fall off again; then, on all sides
and everywhere, he put a little ointment on it, which he called
resuscitative.
Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, then opened his eyes,
yawned, sneezed, and afterwards let a great household fart.
Whereupon Panurge said, Now, certainly, he is healed,—and therefore
gave him to drink a large full glass of strong white wine, with a
sugared toast. In this fashion was Epistemon finely healed, only
that he was somewhat hoarse for above three weeks together, and had
a dry cough of which he could not be rid but by the force of
continual drinking. And now he began to speak, and said that he had
seen the devil, had spoken with Lucifer familiarly, and had been
very merry in hell and in the Elysian fields, affirming very
seriously before them all that the devils were boon companions and
merry fellows. But, in respect of the damned, he said he was very
sorry that Panurge had so soon called him back into this world
again; for, said he, I took wonderful delight to see them. How so?
said Pantagruel. Because they do not use them there, said Epistemon,
so badly as you think they do. Their estate and condition of living
is but only changed after a very strange manner; for I saw Alexander
the Great there amending and patching on clouts upon old breeches
and stockings, whereby he got but a very poor living.
Xerxes was a crier of mustard. Romulus, a salter and patcher of
pattens. Numa, a nailsmith. Tarquin, a porter. Piso, a clownish
swain. Sylla, a ferryman. Cyrus, a cowherd. Themistocles, a
glass-maker. Epaminondas, a maker of mirrors or looking-glasses.
Brutus and Cassius, surveyors or measurers of land. Demosthenes, a
vine-dresser. Cicero, a fire-kindler. Fabius, a threader of beads.
Artaxerxes, a rope-maker. Aeneas, a miller. Achilles was a
scaldpated maker of hay-bundles. Agamemnon, a lick-box. Ulysses, a
hay-mower. Nestor, a door-keeper or forester. Darius, a gold-finder
or jakes-farmer. Ancus Martius, a ship-trimmer. Camillus, a
foot-post. Marcellus, a sheller of beans. Drusus, a taker of money
at the doors of playhouses. Scipio Africanus, a crier of lee in a
wooden slipper. Asdrubal, a lantern-maker. Hannibal, a kettlemaker
and seller of eggshells. Priamus, a seller of old clouts. Lancelot
of the Lake was a flayer of dead horses.
All the Knights of the Round Table were poor day-labourers,
employed to row over the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx,
Acheron, and Lethe, when my lords the devils had a mind to recreate
themselves upon the water, as in the like occasion are hired the
boatmen at Lyons, the gondoliers of Venice, and oars at London. But
with this difference, that these poor knights have only for their
fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the evening a morsel of
coarse mouldy bread.
Trajan was a fisher of frogs. Antoninus, a lackey. Commodus, a
jet-maker. Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts. Lucullus, a maker of
rattles and hawks'-bells. Justinian, a pedlar. Hector, a snap-sauce
scullion. Paris was a poor beggar. Cambyses, a mule-driver.
Nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that instrument which is
called a windbroach. Fierabras was his serving-man, who did him a
thousand mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown
bread and drink of the turned wine when himself did both eat and
drink of the best.
Julius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships.
Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were
sweat-rubbers in hot houses.
Giglan and Govian (Gauvin) were poor swineherds.
Geoffrey with the great tooth was a tinder-maker and seller of
matches.
Godfrey de Bouillon, a hood-maker. Jason was a bracelet-maker.
Don Pietro de Castille, a carrier of indulgences. Morgan, a
beer-brewer. Huon of Bordeaux, a hooper of barrels. Pyrrhus, a
kitchen-scullion. Antiochus, a chimney-sweeper. Octavian, a scraper
of parchment. Nerva, a mariner.
Pope Julius was a crier of pudding-pies, but he left off wearing
there his great buggerly beard.
John of Paris was a greaser of boots. Arthur of Britain, an
ungreaser of caps. Perce-Forest, a carrier of faggots. Pope Boniface
the Eighth, a scummer of pots. Pope Nicholas the Third, a maker of
paper. Pope Alexander, a ratcatcher. Pope Sixtus, an anointer of
those that have the pox.
What, said Pantagruel, have they the pox there too? Surely, said
Epistemon, I never saw so many: there are there, I think, above a
hundred millions; for believe, that those who have not had the pox
in this world must have it in the other.
Cotsbody, said Panurge, then I am free; for I have been as far as
the hole of Gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds of Hercules,
and gathered of the ripest.
Ogier the Dane was a furbisher of armour. The King Tigranes, a
mender of thatched houses. Galien Restored, a taker of moldwarps.
The four sons of Aymon were all toothdrawers. Pope Calixtus was a
barber of a woman's sine qua non. Pope Urban, a bacon-picker.
Melusina was a kitchen drudge-wench. Matabrune, a laundress.
Cleopatra, a crier of onions. Helen, a broker for chambermaids.
Semiramis, the beggars' lice-killer. Dido did sell mushrooms.
Penthesilea sold cresses. Lucretia was an alehouse-keeper.
Hortensia, a spinstress. Livia, a grater of verdigris.
After this manner, those that had been great lords and ladies
here, got but a poor scurvy wretched living there below. And, on the
contrary, the philosophers and others, who in this world had been
altogether indigent and wanting, were great lords there in their
turn. I saw Diogenes there strut it out most pompously, and in great
magnificence, with a rich purple gown on him, and a golden sceptre
in his right hand. And, which is more, he would now and then make
Alexander the Great mad, so enormously would he abuse him when he
had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay his skin with
sound bastinadoes. I saw Epictetus there, most gallantly apparelled
after the French fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, with
store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and
making good cheer, with abundance of crowns of the sun. Above the
lattice were written these verses for his device:
To leap and dance, to sport and play,
And drink good wine both white and brown,
Or nothing else do all the day
But tell bags full of many a crown.
When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously,
and I being willing to be entreated, we tippled and chopined
together most theologically. In the meantime came Cyrus to beg one
farthing of him for the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few
onions for his supper. No, no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my
almsgiving to bestow farthings. Hold, thou varlet, there's a crown
for thee; be an honest man. Cyrus was exceeding glad to have met
with such a booty; but the other poor rogues, the kings that are
there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, stole it away from
him by night. I saw Pathelin, the treasurer of Rhadamanthus, who, in
cheapening the pudding-pies that Pope Julius cried, asked him how
much a dozen. Three blanks, said the Pope. Nay, said Pathelin, three
blows with a cudgel. Lay them down here, you rascal, and go fetch
more. The poor Pope went away weeping, who, when he came to his
master, the pie-maker, told him that they had taken away his
pudding-pies. Whereupon his master gave him such a sound lash with
an eel-skin, that his own would have been worth nothing to make
bag-pipe-bags of. I saw Master John Le Maire there personate the
Pope in such fashion that he made all the poor kings and popes of
this world kiss his feet, and, taking great state upon him, gave
them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the
pardons; they are good cheap. I absolve you of bread and pottage,
and dispense with you to be never good for anything. Then, calling
Caillet and Triboulet to him, he spoke these words, My lords the
cardinals, despatch their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with
a cudgel upon the reins. Which accordingly was forthwith performed.
I heard Master Francis Villon ask Xerxes, How much the mess of
mustard? A farthing, said Xerxes. To which the said Villon answered,
The pox take thee for a villain! As much of square-eared wheat is
not worth half that price, and now thou offerest to enhance the
price of victuals. With this he pissed in his pot, as the
mustard-makers of Paris used to do. I saw the trained bowman of the
bathing tub, known by the name of the Francarcher de Baignolet, who,
being one of the trustees of the Inquisition, when he saw
Perce-Forest making water against a wall in which was painted the
fire of St. Anthony, declared him heretic, and would have caused him
to be burnt alive had it not been for Morgant, who, for his
proficiat and other small fees, gave him nine tuns of beer.
Well, said Pantagruel, reserve all these fair stories for another
time, only tell us how the usurers are there handled. I saw them,
said Epistemon, all very busily employed in seeking of rusty pins
and old nails in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor
wretched rogues do in this world. But the quintal, or hundredweight,
of this old ironware is there valued but at the price of a cantle of
bread, and yet they have but a very bad despatch and riddance in the
sale of it. Thus the poor misers are sometimes three whole weeks
without eating one morsel or crumb of bread, and yet work both day
and night, looking for the fair to come. Nevertheless, of all this
labour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, so cursedly active
they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, in hopes, at
the end of the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it.
Come, said Pantagruel, let us now make ourselves merry one bout,
and drink, my lads, I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all
this month. Then did they uncase their flagons by heaps and dozens,
and with their leaguer-provision made excellent good cheer. But the
poor King Anarchus could not all this while settle himself towards
any fit of mirth; whereupon Panurge said, Of what trade shall we
make my lord the king here, that he may be skilful in the art when
he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the devils of hell? Indeed,
said Pantagruel, that was well advised of thee. Do with him what
thou wilt, I give him to thee. Gramercy, said Panurge, the present
is not to be refused, and I love it from you.
Chapter 2.XXXI.—How Pantagruel entered into the city of the
Amaurots, and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old
lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier of green sauce.
After this wonderful victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the
city of the Amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the King
Anarchus was taken prisoner and all the enemies of the city
overthrown. Which news when they heard all the inhabitants of the
city came forth to meet him in good order, and with a great
triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly joy into the city,
where innumerable bonfires were set on through all the parts
thereof, and fair round tables, which were furnished with store of
good victuals, set out in the middle of the streets. This was a
renewing of the golden age in the time of Saturn, so good was the
cheer which then they made.
But Pantagruel, having assembled the whole senate and common
councilmen of the town, said, My masters, we must now strike the
iron whilst it is hot. It is therefore my will that, before we
frolic it any longer, we advise how to assault and take the whole
kingdom of the Dipsodes. To which effect let those that will go with
me provide themselves against to-morrow after drinking, for then
will I begin to march. Not that I need any more men than I have to
help me to conquer it, for I could make it as sure that way as if I
had it already; but I see this city is so full of inhabitants that
they scarce can turn in the streets. I will, therefore, carry them
as a colony into Dipsody, and will give them all that country, which
is fair, wealthy, fruitful, and pleasant, above all other countries
in the world, as many of you can tell who have been there
heretofore. Everyone of you, therefore, that will go along, let him
provide himself as I have said. This counsel and resolution being
published in the city, the next morning there assembled in the
piazza before the palace to the number of eighteen hundred fifty-six
thousand and eleven, besides women and little children. Thus began
they to march straight into Dipsody, in such good order as did the
people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt to pass over the
Red Sea.
But before we proceed any further in this purpose, I will tell
you how Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus; for, having
remembered that which Epistemon had related, how the kings and rich
men in this world were used in the Elysian fields, and how they got
their living there by base and ignoble trades, he, therefore, one
day apparelled his king in a pretty little canvas doublet, all
jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light horseman's cap,
together with a pair of large mariner's breeches, and stockings
without shoes,—For, said he, they would but spoil his sight, —and a
little peach-coloured bonnet with a great capon's feather in it—I
lie, for I think he had two—and a very handsome girdle of a
sky-colour and green (in French called pers et vert), saying that
such a livery did become him well, for that he had always been
perverse, and in this plight bringing him before Pantagruel, said
unto him, Do you know this roister? No, indeed, said Pantagruel. It
is, said Panurge, my lord the king of the three batches, or
threadbare sovereign. I intend to make him an honest man. These
devilish kings which we have here are but as so many calves; they
know nothing and are good for nothing but to do a thousand mischiefs
to their poor subjects, and to trouble all the world with war for
their unjust and detestable pleasure. I will put him to a trade, and
make him a crier of green sauce. Go to, begin and cry, Do you lack
any green sauce? and the poor devil cried. That is too low, said
Panurge; then took him by the ear, saying, Sing higher in Ge, sol,
re, ut. So, so poor devil, thou hast a good throat; thou wert never
so happy as to be no longer king. And Pantagruel made himself merry
with all this; for I dare boldly say that he was the best little
gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of a staff. Thus
was Anarchus made a good crier of green sauce. Two days thereafter
Panurge married him with an old lantern-carrying hag, and he himself
made the wedding with fine sheep's heads, brave haslets with
mustard, gallant salligots with garlic, of which he sent five
horseloads unto Pantagruel, which he ate up all, he found them so
appetizing. And for their drink they had a kind of small
well-watered wine, and some sorbapple-cider. And, to make them
dance, he hired a blind man that made music to them with a
wind-broach.
After dinner he led them to the palace and showed them to
Pantagruel, and said, pointing to the married woman, You need not
fear that she will crack. Why? said Pantagruel. Because, said
Panurge, she is well slit and broke up already. What do you mean by
that? said Pantagruel. Do not you see, said Panurge, that the
chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if they be whole they crack
as if they were mad, and, to keep them from cracking, they make an
incision in them and slit them? So this new bride is in her lower
parts well slit before, and therefore will not crack behind.
Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street and a
mortar of stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this
manner did they do their little business, he being as pretty a crier
of green sauce as ever was seen in the country of Utopia. But I have
been told since that his wife doth beat him like plaister, and the
poor sot dare not defend himself, he is so simple.
Chapter 2.XXXII.—How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole
army, and what the author saw in his mouth.
Thus, as Pantagruel with all his army had entered into the
country of the Dipsodes, everyone was glad of it, and incontinently
rendered themselves unto him, bringing him out of their own good
wills the keys of all the cities where he went, the Almirods only
excepted, who, being resolved to hold out against him, made answer
to his heralds that they would not yield but upon very honourable
and good conditions.
What! said Pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand
at the pot and the glass in their fist? Come, let us go sack them,
and put them all to the sword. Then did they put themselves in good
order, as being fully determined to give an assault, but by the way,
passing through a large field, they were overtaken with a great
shower of rain, whereat they began to shiver and tremble, to crowd,
press, and thrust close to one another. When Pantagruel saw that, he
made their captains tell them that it was nothing, and that he saw
well above the clouds that it would be nothing but a little dew;
but, howsoever, that they should put themselves in order, and he
would cover them. Then did they put themselves in a close order, and
stood as near to (each) other as they could, and Pantagruel drew out
his tongue only half-way and covered them all, as a hen doth her
chickens. In the meantime, I, who relate to you these so veritable
stories, hid myself under a burdock-leaf, which was not much less in
largeness than the arch of the bridge of Montrible, but when I saw
them thus covered, I went towards them to shelter myself likewise;
which I could not do, for that they were so, as the saying is, At
the yard's end there is no cloth left. Then, as well as I could, I
got upon it, and went along full two leagues upon his tongue, and so
long marched that at last I came into his mouth. But, O gods and
goddesses! what did I see there? Jupiter confound me with his
trisulc lightning if I lie! I walked there as they do in Sophia (at)
Constantinople, and saw there great rocks, like the mountains in
Denmark—I believe that those were his teeth. I saw also fair
meadows, large forests, great and strong cities not a jot less than
Lyons or Poictiers. The first man I met with there was a good honest
fellow planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked
him, My friend, what dost thou make here? I plant coleworts, said
he. But how, and wherewith? said I. Ha, sir, said he, everyone
cannot have his ballocks as heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all
rich. Thus do I get my poor living, and carry them to the market to
sell in the city which is here behind. Jesus! said I, is there here
a new world? Sure, said he, it is never a jot new, but it is
commonly reported that, without this, there is an earth, whereof the
inhabitants enjoy the light of a sun and a moon, and that it is full
of and replenished with very good commodities; but yet this is more
ancient than that. Yea but, said I, my friend, what is the name of
that city whither thou carriest thy coleworts to sell? It is called
Aspharage, said he, and all the indwellers are Christians, very
honest men, and will make you good cheer. To be brief, I resolved to
go thither. Now, in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in
wait to catch pigeons, of whom I asked, My friend, from whence come
these pigeons? Sir, said he, they come from the other world. Then I
thought that, when Pantagruel yawned, the pigeons went into his
mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it had been a pigeon-house.
Then I went into the city, which I found fair, very strong, and
seated in a good air; but at my entry the guard demanded of me my
pass or ticket. Whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, My
masters, is there any danger of the plague here? O Lord! said they,
they die hard by here so fast that the cart runs about the streets.
Good God! said I, and where? Whereunto they answered that it was in
Larynx and Pharynx, which are two great cities such as Rouen and
Nantes, rich and of great trading. And the cause of the plague was
by a stinking and infectious exhalation which lately vapoured out of
the abysms, whereof there have died above two and twenty hundred and
threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this sevennight. Then
I considered, calculated, and found that it was a rank and unsavoury
breathing which came out of Pantagruel's stomach when he did eat so
much garlic, as we have aforesaid.
Parting from thence, I passed amongst the rocks, which were his
teeth, and never left walking till I got up on one of them; and
there I found the pleasantest places in the world, great large
tennis-courts, fair galleries, sweet meadows, store of vines, and an
infinite number of banqueting summer outhouses in the fields, after
the Italian fashion, full of pleasure and delight, where I stayed
full four months, and never made better cheer in my life as then.
After that I went down by the hinder teeth to come to the chaps. But
in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forest that is in the
territory towards the ears. Then, after a little further travelling,
I fell upon a pretty petty village—truly I have forgot the name of
it—where I was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain money to
live by. Can you tell how? By sleeping. For there they hire men by
the day to sleep, and they get by it sixpence a day, but they that
can snort hard get at least ninepence. How I had been robbed in the
valley I informed the senators, who told me that, in very truth, the
people of that side were bad livers and naturally thievish, whereby
I perceived well that, as we have with us the countries Cisalpine
and Transalpine, that is, behither and beyond the mountains, so have
they there the countries Cidentine and Tradentine, that is, behither
and beyond the teeth. But it is far better living on this side, and
the air is purer. Then I began to think that it is very true which
is commonly said, that the one half of the world knoweth not how the
other half liveth; seeing none before myself had ever written of
that country, wherein are above five-and-twenty kingdoms inhabited,
besides deserts, and a great arm of the sea. Concerning which
purpose I have composed a great book, entitled, The History of the
Throttias, because they dwell in the throat of my master Pantagruel.
At last I was willing to return, and, passing by his beard, I
cast myself upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the
ground, and fell before him. As soon as I was perceived by him, he
asked me, Whence comest thou, Alcofribas? I answered him, Out of
your mouth, my lord. And how long hast thou been there? said he.
Since the time, said I, that you went against the Almirods. That is
about six months ago, said he. And wherewith didst thou live? What
didst thou drink? I answered, My lord, of the same that you did, and
of the daintiest morsels that passed through your throat I took
toll. Yea but, said he, where didst thou shite? In your throat, my
lord, said I. Ha, ha! thou art a merry fellow, said he. We have with
the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes; I will give
thee the Chastelleine, or Lairdship of Salmigondin. Gramercy, my
lord, said I, you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you.
Chapter 2.XXXIII.—How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how
he was recovered.
A while after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an
obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and,
because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which
tormented him more than you would believe. His physicians
nevertheless helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and
diuretic drugs made him piss away his pain. His urine was so hot
that since that time it is not yet cold, and you have of it in
divers places of France, according to the course that it took, and
they are called the hot baths, as—
At Coderets.
At Limous.
At Dast.
At Ballervie (Balleruc).
At Neric.
At Bourbonansie, and elsewhere in Italy.
At Mongros.
At Appone.
At Sancto Petro de Padua.
At St. Helen.
At Casa Nuova.
At St. Bartholomew, in the county of Boulogne.
At the Porrette, and a thousand other places.
And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish philosophers and
physicians, who spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the
said waters cometh, whether it be by reason of borax, or sulphur, or
alum, or saltpetre, that is within the mine. For they do nothing but
dote, and better were it for them to rub their arse against a
thistle than to waste away their time thus in disputing of that
whereof they know not the original; for the resolution is easy,
neither need we to inquire any further than that the said baths came
by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel.
Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal
disease. I let pass how for a minorative or gentle potion he took
four hundred pound weight of colophoniac scammony, six score and
eighteen cartloads of cassia, an eleven thousand and nine hundred
pound weight of rhubarb, besides other confuse jumblings of sundry
drugs. You must understand that by the advice of the physicians it
was ordained that what did offend his stomach should be taken away;
and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper, each
whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St.
Peter's needle at Rome, and in such sort that they did open in the
midst and shut with a spring. Into one of them entered one of his
men carrying a lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel
swallowed him down like a little pill. Into seven others went seven
country-fellows, having every one of them a shovel on his neck. Into
nine others entered nine wood-carriers, having each of them a basket
hung at his neck, and so were they swallowed down like pills. When
they were in his stomach, every one undid his spring, and came out
of their cabins. The first whereof was he that carried the lantern,
and so they fell more than half a league into a most horrible gulf,
more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis, or the marshes
of the Camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbona,
whereof Strabo maketh mention. And had it not been that they had
very well antidoted their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, which is
called the noddle, they had been altogether suffocated and choked
with these detestable vapours. O what a perfume! O what an
evaporation wherewith to bewray the masks or mufflers of young mangy
queans. After that, with groping and smelling they came near to the
faecal matter and the corrupted humours. Finally, they found a
montjoy or heap of ordure and filth. Then fell the pioneers to work
to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the baskets;
and when all was cleansed every one retired himself into his ball.
This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily
brought them out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a
fart in yours. But, when they came merrily out of their pills, I
thought upon the Grecians coming out of the Trojan horse. By this
means was he healed and brought unto his former state and
convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or rather copper balls,
you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy Cross Church.
Chapter 2.XXXIV.—The conclusion of this present book, and the
excuse of the author.
Now, my masters, you have heard a beginning of the horrific
history of my lord and master Pantagruel. Here will I make an end of
the first book. My head aches a little, and I perceive that the
registers of my brain are somewhat jumbled and disordered with this
Septembral juice. You shall have the rest of the history at
Frankfort mart next coming, and there shall you see how Panurge was
married and made a cuckold within a month after his wedding; how
Pantagruel found out the philosopher's stone, the manner how he
found it, and the way how to use it; how he passed over the Caspian
mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated the
Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Pearls; how he married the
daughter of the King of India, called Presthan; how he fought
against the devil and burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the
great black chamber, threw Proserpina into the fire, broke five
teeth to Lucifer, and the horn that was in his arse; how he visited
the regions of the moon to know whether indeed the moon were not
entire and whole, or if the women had three quarters of it in their
heads, and a thousand other little merriments all veritable. These
are brave things truly. Good night, gentlemen. Perdonate mi, and
think not so much upon my faults that you forget your own.
If you say to me, Master, it would seem that you were not very
wise in writing to us these flimflam stories and pleasant fooleries;
I answer you, that you are not much wiser to spend your time in
reading them. Nevertheless, if you read them to make yourselves
merry, as in manner of pastime I wrote them, you and I both are far
more worthy of pardon than a great rabble of squint-minded fellows,
dissembling and counterfeit saints, demure lookers, hypocrites,
pretended zealots, tough friars, buskin-monks, and other such sects
of men, who disguise themselves like masquers to deceive the world.
For, whilst they give the common people to understand that they are
busied about nothing but contemplation and devotion in fastings and
maceration of their sensuality—and that only to sustain and aliment
the small frailty of their humanity—it is so far otherwise that, on
the contrary, God knows what cheer they make; Et Curios simulant,
sed Bacchanalia vivunt. You may read it in great letters in the
colouring of their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun,
unless it be when they perfume themselves with sulphur. As for their
study, it is wholly taken up in reading of Pantagruelian books, not
so much to pass the time merrily as to hurt someone or other
mischievously, to wit, in articling, sole-articling, wry-neckifying,
buttock-stirring, ballocking, and diabliculating, that is,
calumniating. Wherein they are like unto the poor rogues of a
village that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the ordure and
filth of little children, in the season of cherries and guinds, and
that only to find the kernels, that they may sell them to the
druggists to make thereof pomander oil. Fly from these men, abhor
and hate them as much as I do, and upon my faith you will find
yourselves the better for it. And if you desire to be good
Pantagruelists, that is to say, to live in peace, joy, health,
making yourselves always merry, never trust those men that always
peep out at one hole.
End of Book II.
